Dr Spoke and Dr Kelvin Save the World! - Part Four: ‘Traveling Through Time’

 

CAST

Dan AB : Dr SPOKE

Dan H : Dr KELVIN

 

SPOKE : Today, Dr Kelvin, we are going to achieve what no scientist of the modern age has achieved - open brackets, to our knowledge, close brackets - to whit... we shall travel through time!

KELVIN : Most splendid, Dr Spoke! But first may I finish this game of Minion Rush on my iPad?

SPOKE : No, you may not.

KELVIN : Spoilsport. [ puts away iPad ]

SPOKE : Do you have the time, Dr Kelvin?

KELVIN : Minion Rush time?

SPOKE : Try again, Dr Kelvin...

KELVIN: [ looks at his pocket watch ] A quarter past two of the afternoon clock.

SPOKE : Very good, Dr Kelvin! Now wait...

KELVIN: What?

SPOKE : Wait.

KELVIN: Oh...

[ ad lib KELVIN and SPOKE doing pointless, silly and hopefully amusing things for the duration of 60 seconds ]

SPOKE : There!

KELVIN : 'There' what, Dr Spoke?

SPOKE : What is the time, Dr Kelvin?

KELVIN : [ consults pocket watch ] Sixteen minutes past two of the afternoon clock.

SPOKE : We have travelled forward in time!

KELVIN : Astounding!

SPOKE : Now stand very still...

KELVIN : What?

SPOKE : Stand very, very still. Completely without movement. Like Musical Statues.

KELVIN : [ adopts a silly pose ] Like this, Dr Spoke?

SPOKE : Yes. But don't talk. And hold your breath.

[ KELVIN takes a deep breath, holds it - while SPOKE also adopts a silly pose and holds his breath. They remain this way for a few seconds, before KELVIN lets out a breath and collapses to his knees ]

SPOKE : There!

KELVIN : [ catching his breath, with his hands on his knees ] 'There,' Dr Spoke?

SPOKE : We have frozen time!

KELVIN : Astonishing!

SPOKE : Are you okay, Dr Kelvin?

KELVIN : [ still has his hands on his knees ] The stopping of time has quite taken it out of me.

SPOKE : Speaking of 'taking,' would you like me to take you back to a moment in your past?

KELVIN : You mean travel backwards in time, Dr Spoke?

SPOKE : Yes, Dr Kelvin!

KELVIN : I think so, Dr Spoke.

SPOKE : Do you have a diary?

KELVIN : One moment...

SPOKE : But which moment?

[ Both look at the audience and laugh in a highly contrived manner ]

SPOKE : But seriously, Dr Kelvin...

[ KELVIN retrieves a highly feminine-looking handbag from a previously unmentioned cardboard box, then retrieves a diary from said handbag ]

KELVIN : The Secret Diary of Julius Raminsky Kelvin, age 43-and-a-third.

SPOKE : Splendid, Dr Kelvin! Now turn back to the entry of the twelfth of July, 2013 - [ KELVIN does so ] - and read!

KELVIN : [ reads from the diary ] 7.26am... woke up, extracted cat from face and fell out of bed... groaned, got up, went downstairs and had a breakfast consisting of three fried tomatoes and a sausage... wife came in... got told off for leaving greasy, unwashed frying pan on the side... watched recorded highlights of Celebrity Big Brother...

SPOKE : How long is the diary entry, Dr Kelvin?

KELVIN : [ flicks through ] Only 9 pages, Dr Spoke.

SPOKE : Could you just give me the highlights?

KELVIN : Okay, Dr Spoke... [ continues reading ]... Helped Dr Spoke invent a faster-than-light stair lift... went home... had a chicken and Marmite sandwich... went to bed.

SPOKE : Is that it?

KELVIN : Yes.

SPOKE : There!

KELVIN : 'There,' Dr Spoke? 

SPOKE : You have traveled backwards in time!

KELVIN : Have I told you you are a genius, Dr Spoke?

SPOKE : Not recently, Dr Kelvin.

KELVIN : May I tell you now, Dr Spoke?

SPOKE : You may, Dr Kelvin.

KELVIN : You are a genius, Dr Spoke!

SPOKE : Why thank you, Dr Kelvin!

KELVIN : You are most welcome, Dr Spoke! So what's on telly tonight?

SPOKE : Eastenders, followed by the final of X-Factor.

KELVIN : Most splendid, Dr Spoke! Most splendid indeed!

[ exuent ]