Pack up your troubles in your old kit...

Miss Smith took a deep breath before launching herself into the playground.  She knew it was an over-exaggeration but she felt a deep sense of sympathy for those brave soldiers going ‘over the top’ in World War 1.  Playground duty was not one of her favourite occupations.

As a school designated to remain open for the care of children of key workers, St. Griselda’s was by no means at full capacity.  In fact, the playground was virtually deserted except for the odd pair of children playing in a desultory fashion, here and there.  One particularly odd pair, who seemed to be joined together by a scarf, appeared to have set up a makeshift stall in the far corner of the yard.  Miss Smith was just about to investigate this when she was apprehended by a child in floods of tears.

A few minutes later, Miss Smith and the tear-stained child were at the ‘stall’.

“Peregrine!”

“Good morning, Miss Smith” Peregrine responded, civilly.

“Peregrine, Eric here tells me that you have taken £5 from him” Miss Smith glared at the accused whilst Eric choked back sobs at her rear.

“I am devastated that you should so accuse me, Miss Smith.  Anyone would think that I was no more than a common thief, a highwayman if you will”

“If the cap fits, Peregrine” Miss Smith snarled, “now, what about Eric’s £5?”

“I fear that you may have been misinformed, Miss Smith.  The child in your custody, whom I now understand to rejoice under the epithet of ‘Eric’, entered into a commercial transaction some little time ago in which he gave Prudence and I the sum of £5”

“And just what did he get in return for his investment, Peregrine?”

“He procured our V.E. Day Kit, a simple and fun way to decorate your home or class” Peregrine beamed at Miss Smith.

“I see.  Would this be the kit in question?”  Miss Smith emptied a small plastic bag onto the stall, from out of which fell a couple of sheets of paper and a small ball of string.

“Not in its entirety, Miss Smith, but those do appear to be some of the contents” Peregrine agreed.

“The paper, Peregrine, appears to me to be remarkably similar to that used in our photocopier.  The string is simply a number of short lengths tied together, which leads me to believe they are the remnants from our choral speaking project, the Hilaire Belloc poem ‘Henry King “Who chewed bits of string, and was early cut off in Dreadful agonies”  How do you justify charging Eric £5 for this?”

“I think that the concept is the important factor here, Miss.  If we reduce everything to its constituent parts, where then does value lie?  After all, the complete works of Shakespeare are nothing but a few sheets of paper and ink, and yet…”

“Peregrine!” The warning tone in Miss Smith’s voice cut short his soliloquy.

“It took me ages to tie them all together” Prudence announced, sullenly, from the depths of the scarf.

“You see! Apart from anything else, it’s a highly labour-intensive product” Peregrine said, triumphantly.

“My patience is wearing thin, Peregrine. What exactly did Eric get for his £5, hmm?”

“He obtained a kit enabling him to brighten any room, building or edifice with flags of a patriotic nature which contained, to wit, high-quality paper, string, crayons and a link to a site detailing the designs of every flag in the world.  Now, I call that value for money!”

“Crayons?  I see no crayons…” Miss Smith began but was halted in her speech by a furious tugging of her skirt by the partly-hidden and tear-stained Eric.  She bent down to hear what he had to say.

“Eric tells me that you came and took the crayons off him” Miss Smith folded her arms and scowled at Peregrine.  Behind her, and at a safe distance from Peregrine, Eric imitated her pose.

“Ah yes, that would be because Eric failed to read the relevant clause in the terms and conditions of sale” Peregrine produced a piece of paper, about 3 inches square, which he shook to reveal a foot- long scroll of densely-typed text. “This clearly states that, whilst the purchase price gives the purchaser (Eric, in this instance) full title to all elements of said kit, it only confers the loan of the colouring system”

“By which you mean the crayons?”  Miss Smith arched an eyebrow.  Eric tried to do the same but gave the appearance of someone in the grip of a seizure.

“By which I mean, as you correctly identify, the crayons” Peregrine agreed and made a face at Eric, who ducked back behind his protector.

“That’s ‘cos they’re mine and I said I would bite him if he didn’t get them back” said a small female voice from the depths of the scarf.

“Peregrine, this is nothing but a scam!”

“I object in the strongest possible terms…”  Peregrine began but was halted in full flow by one of Miss Smith’s ‘Looks’.

“You will return to Eric, forthwith, his five pounds.  Moreover, if there are any other children here that you have conned…”

Peregrine began to splutter but was glared into silence.

“I use the term advisedly, Peregrine. To continue, if there are any other children you have conned, you will return their monies without delay, do I make myself clear, Peregrine?”

“I don’t think you’re taking the transfer of intellectual property rights into proper consideration here, Miss”

“DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, PEREGRINE?”

“Yes, Miss Smith” Peregrine agreed, gloomily.

“And don’t let me catch you in a repeat of this behaviour, Peregrine”

“I won’t, Miss”

“You won’t what, Peregrine?”

“I won’t let you catch me, Miss” Peregrine smiled sweetly at his tormentor.

“Good, that’s fine then” Miss Smith walked away, with Eric in her wake, but she couldn’t quite shake the uneasy feeling that she had been duped, somehow,

“Right Pru” Peregrine addressed his scarf companion, as he produced four playing cards from his jacket pocket, “the game is ‘Find the Lady’.  You know the drill, you have a couple of goes and win each time, then we start the game properly.  Let’s see how long little Eric can hold on to his dinner money, this time”

You can find a lot more from Peregrine and Prudence in the new collection of stories:

A Dubious Undertaking and other stories