Homo Juvens

The species of Homo Juvens has been the subject of extensive
research in recent years, but it still remains one of our planet's most
mysterious and misunderstood lifeforms. However, as a result of new,
improved technology, scientists have been able to identify and have
attempted to explain some of the key characteristics of this
interesting organism.

There are many varieties of Homo Juvens - mildly spotted, heavily
spotted (also referred to as pizza-faced), big-eared and grunting to
name a few. However, most Homo Juvens appear to share similar
distinctive characteristics:

Lifestyle

At first it was thought that Homo Juvens was a diurnal creature, but on
closer inspection it was found that this is not entirely the case. Homo
Juvens is only partially awake during the daytime and seems to favour
the night, leading scientists to the conclusion it is a nocturnal
creature by nature. In fact it has been discovered that Homo Juvens, if
given a choice, would remain dormant during the day. Indeed, it is
extremely difficult to reawaken Homo Juvens once it has reached its
state of semi-hibernation, and often results in a display of aggressive
behaviour.

Diet

Most Homo Juvens are omnivores, but they do not exhibit the
characteristic varied diet of omnivores. On the contrary, they have a
restricted diet which seems to consist mainly of high-fat, high-sugar
foods, known colloquially among the scientific community as 'junk
food'. A substance that Homo Juvens seems to consume particularly vast
amounts of is a brown solid named chocolate.

Despite their apparent lack of concern for their health, Homo Juvens,
particularly the females, have been known to exhibit characteristics
that show they are worried about their size, particularly the size of
their glutus maximus. However, it has been scientifically proven that
the males of the species prefer to mate with females who do have a
large glutus maximus, so it is not known exactly why the females are so
preoccupied with this feature.

Mating

The mating rituals of Homo Juvens are one of their most bizarre
features. Both sexes spray themselves with scent, the males using more
to mask the scent caused by their excessive perspiration and lack of
washing. The females then paint their faces with various coloured
substances. These normally consist of a red, waxy substance containing
fish scales which they put on their lips, a black sticky substances for
their eyelashes and a powder which can be many colours above their
eyes. These rituals are usually only exhibited by the female of the
species.

Both species then adorn themselves with fabric. However in the female's
case not much fabric seems to be used, so it is not quite certain why
she bothers at all, especially as it seems to get in the way of the
male's actions later in the ritual. Another trait exhibited by the
females is to emphasise the size of their mammary glands, and to
display as much of them as possible. This seems to attract males, who
spend much of the mating ritual staring at the female's mammary glands.
In fact, it has been wondered whether what appears to be the female's
eyes are in fact not genuine eyes, and whether her real eyes are
located on her mammary glands.
Mating rituals vary but many involve loud noise to which Homo Juvens
moves its limbs and torso in strange ways. The ritual includes bodily
contact, often with the lips, but sometimes with the other parts of the
body. Homo Juvens seems to extract pleasure from this experience.

Before partners have been obtained, Homo Juvens act in equally bizarre
ways to secure a mate. One such way is avoiding the desired mate
altogether and exhibiting a colour change of the cheeks when spoken to
by said Homo Juvens. Some Homo Juvens are less reticent and will show
their intentions towards their potential mate by smiling, wearing short
garments on their lower half (this only applies to females) and
laughing hysterically when their potential mate says something remotely
funny. It should be noted that some Homo Juvens laugh hysterically for
no reason, so it can be difficult to distinguish when they are trying
to attract a mate and when they are just laughing for no reason.

Habitat

Most Homo Juvens live in rooms in large brick constructions. The floor
of the room is often invisible as it is covered with debris such as
socks and mouldy food items. Many Homo Juvens appear to pass through a
phase of wanting the walls of their habitat to be black.

Development

Homo Juvens is an extremely unstable and unpredictable species.
Specimens studied have rapid changes in mood and show tendencies to
shut doors very loudly. In the longer term, Homo Juvens experiences
many physical changes in its existence. The males' voices become
deeper, after a period of squeakiness which led to one scientist
wondering if they undergo metamorphosis and turn into mice. Both sexes
grow rapidly, sometimes not in the correct proportions, which led to
the aforementioned scientist wondering if they actually turn into
orang-utans. The growth of hair in strange places also supported this
theory.

After a few years of instability, the lifecycle of Homo Juvens is
complete. It eventually becomes Homo Adolphus, an entirely different
species, and in many ways much, much worse.