November Severn, and its Queen Swan

Cherry

By Rhiannonw

Tue, 08 Nov 2011
  • 2592 reads
10 comments
 

5/11/11 a bit above Bewdley

Heavy, steady Severn flow
reflecting banks of autumn trees;
steam train chuffs and chugs, and whistles by,
not disturbing ducks, and geese
and swans;
surprise that here and there, there’s still
struggling straggly scattered flowers:
campion, comfrey, daisies, yarrow
– milder air in riverside hollows.
Kingfisher skimming (once I missed it),
but I saw the long-tailed tits –
tree pulsating, evening flits
of chattering group;
and as sunset caught the water,
a swan came ploughing forward,
strong wake following
like reins from snow-white steed
towing gliding stately queen,
wings arched up above its back
– graceful wave from chariot drawn,
and only two to watch, admire.

Certificate U
Poem
Countryside explorations
Nature

Comments

Submitted by Rhiannonw on
Yes, thanks. The swans were rather a bonus surprise at the end! It's good how much good countryside there is near busy, industrial areas, and often quite quiet. We often walk in mid-Wales, and usually pass very few or no-one on the walk. Rh

 

Submitted by jennifer on
Really flows well, a visual feast and a great rhythm. Fab imagery - you've really taken the reader to the scene. My one criticism is that you slightly over-use the comma when sometimes the poem does not need it grammatically - trust that your line breaks and the natural ups and downs of the words will create the rhythm for you and don't try to force it by using too many commas. A lovely piece of writing. J x

 

Submitted by Rhiannonw on
Thank you, Jenny, and for the comment to look at that punctuation. Nice to get the cherries! Rh

 

Submitted by jennifer on
You deserve them! Well done! J x

 

Submitted by Rhiannonw on
Hope I've calmed the punctuation down satisfactorily! Rh

 

Submitted by jennifer on
Better, yes - now one more thing - that first 'and swans' - lose that, it messes with the flow. Then full stop after 'geese', making 'Surprise' a capital, J x

 

Submitted by ScoZen on
I do like your nature tales Rhiannonw. Reminds me to slow up.
ScoZen

Submitted by Rhiannonw on
What a nice comment, thank you! They are partly to remind me what I have seen when I've actually got out for long enough to look around me!

 

Submitted by jeand on

Hi Rhiannon

This was written on my birthday - and I always take note of the weather on that day each year. And usually the trees still have leaves, and there are still a few straggling flowers. I liked the peacefulness of this scene.  Beautifully done.

Jean

Jean Day

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Thank you, Jean, I'm glad you enjoyed the captured visit. That is an interesting idea to remember the differences of weather on a November birthday. It is a month of great variations, and the bright days are very much appreciated and awaited. Rhiannon