L - Just a Little Life

I've been angry since the day before I was born. And, now I know
why, I have no one to share with. It was just a little life, a spark
among the billions, burning too quickly, chewing up the sky. There was
no one watching, to be dazzled by your brightness. Isn't that the
cruellest trick, no one saw your fall?

I miss you daily, even though I never knew you. You never spoke to me
and murmured words of kindness or punched my arm while we kicked a
ball. You never had the chance to run, to win the race, or fight a war.
I will always wonder, round the hole you left, the chasms in my
home.

It could have been different, in so many different ways. Better, worse,
different in a thousands moments. You could be here, pining for me, or
feeling nothing at all. But it wasn't like that.

Now I have this Polaroid to remember you by, black-and-white evidence
of your grainy existence. It's hard to tell, even, if you're a girl or
a boy. Fish fingers and lizard's feet embalmed in time, maybe in a jar
somewhere. I'd like that, to see your smooth head, to look into those
eyes, to know that they a mine, or mostly mine. To see if I can read
your fortune, tell what you might have become. Or just to say hello
from dad, hello from mum.

I hope I don't disappoint you. I wouldn't want to let you down, or make
you think I squandered what could have been yours. The other half
lives, and well. Surrounded in an attic, in a box I was never meant to
unlock.