Journal 12/30/04

Well, today is my third today without any drugs or alcohol. Before,
I mostly just had a real regular alcohol and weed habit. It's been a
bit of a struggle for me; I found myself putting it into an erotic
story I'm writing. I left it in. And I've been listening to The
Grateful Dead and Sublime, two bands I love when I'm high. But I don't
feel very tempted; I feel pretty firm about it.
And my health is fine. That's always a blessing. It's good when you're
healthy to realize how wonderful it is and do what you can to keep it
that way. Me, when I get sick, it is terrible. I get a sore throat,
then a fever, then a cold, then a cough that lasts forever. And it
happens all too much. These days, the alcohol doesn't help.
Right now, I'm waiting for Kitty's girlfriend. She'll drive me to
Medford where I'm helping this lesbian couple have a baby. The other
night I did it with Kitty. The butch girl is very nice. For some
reason, though, she likes to sit in and mess around just with Kitty. It
makes me a little self conscious. Last night, we were watching lesbian
porn, which just didn't do it for me. In order to come for the second
time, I had to get online and look up some really heinous erotica.
We've targeted it on both sides of her tested ovulation so there's a
pretty good chance a child will come out of this. I'm not obligated to
but I hope someday I can contribute financially to the child's
upbringing. I'm kind of hoping it will give me a hope, a reason to
fight on in my darkest hours. I haven't told my parents and I know they
wouldn't approve.
Well, the day after tommorow is omellete day with my Mom. I'm looking
forward to it. But I'm not going to look forward too much because I've
been disappointed too much in this world. No, about that and everything
else, I'm going to remain calm and cautious.
Financially, I'm okay right now, I guess. My battery died today for
the second time so I replaced it. I hope my parents will re-imburse me
for it. I may have payed too much. But they're usually good about that
kind of thing, especially since I saved the receipt. God, I wish I had
a girlfriend. You know, my weirdo brother said the other day that
humans are just like dogs and all they do is chase after the females.
And then we said, "But what females we have to chase after!" Well, I
think he's wrong, at least about the upper levels of humanity,
including myself in that way. I am a bit perverted and highly sexual
but I do do more than chase after females. I'm also passionate about
literature, art, wisdom, even spirituality(to the extent that I
understand it.) Human beings do occupy various chakras and the lower
chakras have way too much power.
Allright, now I just really have to concentrate on not using. It'll
help clear out my mind and make me more successful, thus making myself
happier and thus calmer and thus more in harmony with the universe.
It'll help me get money and a girl, express my creative impulses. I can
achieve so much more pleasure by not using!