M journal entry 7/29

Last night, I went and had smoothies with Kyra?, the young Japanese
girl. It was a fairly incredible experience. After I'd gotten ready, I
hung around for a while listening to Jay-Z's "The Curse." I've long
liked Jaz-Z and "The Blueprint" has gotten me through many hard times.
But "The Gift and The Curse" never quite flowed for me. But last night,
I finally got it and it just flowed. I realized that it's far better
than "the blueprint." Jay-Z shares my sense of religious enthusiasm
although he's a Muslim. I don't know what I am. I'm very devoted to the
message of Christ and the inherent morality that it calls for. But I'm
also fascinated by Yogic and Bhuddist ideas and practices. One of Jay-Z
favorite sayings is "Death before dishonour." I very much agree but
only in the highest sense of the word. I don't mean social dishonor; I
mean spiritual dishonor. In a way, these days I realize that I'm really
not afraid anymore. If life were a gambling game, you could say that I
long since broke even and everything from here is profit. I really
don't think I'll live all that much longer. I'm a rather frail
creature. I have fragile health and I'm sensitive for this society. But
I'm making changes in my life so that I'll live as long as I can and
accomplish as much as is possible. About five days ago, I decided not
to drink or smoke any more pot. So far I've kept to this and I feel
very determined. Ideally, I would like to die a heroic death at some
point. I seem to be the right person for such a sacrifice because I do
not think I will live past 35 anyway.
Anyway, I met Kyra for smoothies. We had peach and strawberry
smoothies and then took a walk in Lithia Park. Kyra was better looking
than I expected her to be. She's tall and shapely. She has just a
little bit of padding in the right places, which is something I prefer.
We were sitting next to a wishing well and she asked me if she could
kiss me. We kissed quite a bit and then lay down in the grass and
kissed and held each other. She seemed to like me a lot and I was head
over heels. She's intelligent and into Shakespeare, who I very much
love. When we were making out, she kept telling me to relax. I get
rather tense in situations like that. There's nothing that I'm as
afraid of as a girl.
Today, I've been pounding out data. I'm getting faster but I don't
feel the job will be particularly lucrative. Fortunately, it's a
perfect activity for listening to music. Because it consumes part of my
attention, I'm able to enjoy music in more detail and with less
anxiety. I just borrowed quite a few cds from Eric. These include some
Tom Petty, Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix.