One Daughter. One Policy

One Child
Unwanted
One daughter
Abandoned
One duty
Forsaken
One policy
Upheld
One Republic
Forsaken
One State
United

Two families
Forever connected
Two mothers
Both cried
One, sorrow
One, joy
Two fathers
Both stoic
One, offers
Tradition
Promises
Patriarchial
One, offers
Comfort
Understanding
Colonial
Two families
Leave the orphanage
One, heavy-hearted
One, euphoric
Two destinies
Briefly intertwined
Two trips
One on train ride
Their village
One on airplane
Eagleland

One daughter
Uprooted
From her home
Her heritage
Her language
Her tradition
Her very name
美 (Měi)
Beauty
New land
New life
New happiness
New name
Celeste
The stars

And she’s happy
She truly is
Thirty years young
Loving parents
Valedictorian
Great job
A doctor
Pediatric
But she left wondering
About the Republic
Why? Why? Why?
…One child?
…The orphanage?
Why her?
How? How? How?
…the food taste?
…did they live?
…do they smell?
And in particular
The questions that
Kept her up
Did they love her?
Was it hard?
Or was it easy?
How did they sleep?
And do they think of her?

Hours and hours
Therapy
Learning about
The culture
The food
The language
The weather
The village
The orphanage
Everything
And yet
Nothing at all

Vacation days
Save up
Talk with parents
Hers and others
With men
With women
Black hair
Black brows
Monolids
With other girls
Like her
Given up
For the Republic
They all give
Different answers
Everything
And yet
Nothing at all

Hours and hours
That felt
Like months
Tossing
And turning
Want to know
Yet afraid
Of the answer
Of the unknown
Of taking the first step
Of not taking it at all
Of homecoming
Of her own existence

But she already knew
That if
She doesn’t come home 回国 (Huí guó)
She will regret it
For as long as she lives.

So she asks
For her birth family
For their contacts
For their names
For their faces
For their voices

Her birth father died
Long after her birth
Her younger brother
The child
That she was given up for
Whose future
That she was exiled for
In Sweden
A music professor
Her birth mother
The woman
She vaguely remembers
Now living alone
A small house
In the middle
Of nowhere

A flight
Booked hastily
Packs lightly
A short notes
Shaky handwriting
“Visiting birth mother”
“Be back soon”

Ain’t it funny?
A whole life wondering
Yet when she is
On the plane
In China
She is too nervous
To enjoy any of it

Treacherous roads
Physically
And emotionally
Stormy sky
Both outside
And inside her head

Alas she arrives
The house
So small
Yet hold such big answers
So quaint
Yet the scariest house
She ever knows
She forces herself
To breathe
To move
To not run away
To knock
Softly
Then louder
A face just like her
But with lines
Of grief?
Of laughter?
Of cruelty?
Opens the door
She wills herself
To say
The Mandarin word
For daughter
女兒 (Nǚ ér)
Her birth mother’s face
Scrunched up
Just like her
When she is confused
And annoyed
Celeste panics
She shouts every word
For daughter
That she knows
In Mandarin
In Wu
In Yue
In Min
In Ping
In Gan
闺女 (guīnǚ)
千金 (qiānjīn)
Her mother’s eyes
Widens
And tears
Begins to fall
Mixed with rainwater
From both women
Separated by grief
By circumstance
By the Republic
By distance
By language
By tradition
Yet stand here
Holding each other
Tightly
Like they know each other
Like they never hurt each other
Like letting go
Would make the other disappear

As she warms up
In the humble home
Her mother sobs
And writes down her story
So Celeste can understand
With her broken Mandarin
Her mother cries every night
For a month
After doing the unspeakable
Yet her husband
“Forced me to make babies”
Her mother faces
Darkens
Like her
When she is hurt beyond believe
A year later
A miscarriage
“It is my punishment”
She said, almost relieve
She looks forlornly
At her belly
Celeste knows because
That what she did too
Another two years later
A son
Her younger brother
志 (Zhi)
Ambition
The joy of the family
Her haunted eyes lit up
Her husband’s family
Threw a party
To celebrate

(Why not me?
Is my birth not worth it?
The celebration?
The looks in your eyes?
The fondling of your jade bracelet?
The shaking of your pen?)
Celeste has to look away

He wasn’t the smartest child
But he is so talented
Her mother lists out
Play four different instruments
Voices of a poet
歌聲 (Gē shēng)
Won a national writing competition
At thirteen
And he is so tall
And handsome

Celeste wants to scream
(I am a doctor
I was the best of my class
I got into Harvard
And I paid off my student loan
Am I not enough?
Would you even care?
Why do you not ask me any questions?
About my life?
About how I found you?
About why I found you?
About me?
Why? Why? Why?)

Alas, her mother sighs
Tragedy strikes
Her brother is found naked
With his classmate
His male classmate

That made the scream in Celeste’s head
Stops in its track

Of course her father beat him
Over and over and over
His head
His back
His butt
(Her mother burst into tears
Celeste is too stunned too comfort her)
To the point that
She did something she never done
Before or since
She shoved her husband
His head hits the floor
And he… And he…
Her mother stops
And hyperventilating
Celeste has to use
The breathing technique she learned
To calm her mother down
She can guess what happens next
A man died. Or near death
A gay son beaten bloody
A wife and mother
Afraid?
Relief?
And she guesses they covered it up.
An accident perhaps?
A drunk mishap?
“What happened to my brother?”
"The guilt is too much for him
So he and his classmate took an offer
To study abroad
For a music program
It was hard for them
Two gays 男同 (nán tóng) in a foreign country
But last I heard they are happy"
Her mother said
Her tears still falling out
But a smile
Slowly returned to her face
Celeste holds her
And the two of them stay like that for a while
Hours and hours
That felt
Like months

Would things have been different
If she was there?
If she had begged?
Would her father have been more gentle?
Or would she be just like him?
Would she join in with the beating?
Would she hold her mother back?
Would she be the one doing the beating instead?
Would it be her brain splattered on the floor?
She would deserve it
She is half his blood after all
Those thoughts sit with her
Long after she had done
Holding her mother
And laying on the straw bed
And likely would be long after she left China

Right now
Celeste didn’t have all the answers
Or even most of them
But she had one at least
Her mother and brother did the best
With what they knew
With what they can
With what they thought they are limited to
That is a start the three of them can work on
They have their whole life ahead of them.
Unlike her sperm donor
Rest in piss.

One Child
Unwanted
One daughter
Resented and then forgave
One duty
Remembered
One policy
Repealed
One Republic
Return 回国 (Huí guó)
One State
United

Two families
Forever connected
Two mothers
Both cried
One, grief
One, joy
Two fathers
Both stoic
One, offers
Cruelty
Homophobia
Sexism
One, offers
Comfort
Understanding
Fatherhood
Two families
Leave the orphanage
One, heavy-hearted
One, euphoric
Two destinies
Forever changed

One daughter
Starting to connect
To her mother
Her heritage
Her language
Her tradition
Her very name
New land
New life
New happiness
New names
Celeste
The stars
美 (Měi)
Beauty

One brother
志 (Zhi)
Ambition
The joy of the family
Not so smart
But talented
And the shame
And the demise 
Of their sperm donor
(Good job!)
And brave
And dared to love
And dared to start over
She will visit him next

And she’s happy
She truly is