Auntie Edna's Pie

My brother is a junkie he’s got holes all up his arm,
My sister is a prostitute who’s paid to show her charms,
My mum cheats on the benefits
My dad cheats on my mum,
We all live in a bedsit in an inner-city slum
But still I’m strangely happy
And there’s just one reason why –
It’s the taste of steak and kidney
In my Auntie Edna’s Pie.

She’s a rough old bint, My Auntie Ed
She’s had a man or nine,
And she smokes cigars and roll ups
And adds whisky to her wine
But despite her little foibles, and the dirt that fills her flat
She can cook like Gordon Ramsey
(Though she isn’t such a twat)
And the bestest thing she ever cooks,
The nicest of the nice,
Is her pie of steak and kidney
That she serves with pilau rice.

Auntie Edna’s Steak and K: A wonder to behold
It’s the size of Pavarotti with a crust of purest gold,
The steaky bits are 12oz rump, the kidneys are sublime
With a gravy soft, yet subtle with the merest hint of Thyme.
It’s like biting El Dorado, it’s like having sex with Eve
It’s the joy of waiting on Death Row then getting a reprieve
It’s the smell of love, the taste of balm
Pure goodness on a plate
It’s the sloth of sleeping in ‘til 12 then staying up ‘til late
It’s the pie that makes the world ok, that hides my brother’s arms
It’s the pie that blocks the noise out as my sister plies her charms
It’s the pie that hides the scuzzy walls
The pie that numbs the pain
It’s the pie that tastes like heaven
And the pie that keeps me sane,
You can keep your cheap McDonalds
Stick your BK up your hole -
There is only one elixir when you need to mend your soul
It’s got steak in it, and kidney too and crust that makes me cry
It’s the food that puts the world to rights
It’s Auntie Edna’s Pie.