Why I decided to become a Scotsman

Wunna woke ap the-smorrnin’, fah sum rees’nah’d-ah scorrtish-acksen annae tohtelly muhsterfaiyte-mah. Ah tohtally brode wun laiyk ya gettan warrken-cluss glasgae, ahbat-laiyk andee-gray. Aahv-upser-loohtlae naw canneirckshun wa-scorrtlen, ah hahdlay-eyven beernn thar, ahm jussa po-osh cont luv'nen ascer-en barkshar hoo werks-enna suhtta-assa-broh-ker. I startna speakn frawm tha gettgoh an ma wayf didnae unnerstan wun bitta-wat awa-ssayin. Shay loookd att mee laiyk ae war kwir-ar-sumnae. I war dah-strawrt. 

I didnae no watta doo so ah decaiydeta goo-te-da dorcter tae check marsself-oot. Onna-weey tharra startetee no-tus tahngs abooht thawerl-oohtsaiyde-ma, thaha nairver yoos’ta seein, thaha-nooh no’-us bafawr. Laiyk wott-eh loook’d laiyke ferr eggs-armpul. Ah startetee maiyk obsai-vaiyshens onnae. Farra tarpp’col scaswtsmah arr becayme vurry sarrnnsay-tuv. Laiyke: thar wassa wee ackstrayn’yuss drazzleen-t’ya-aihr annae was arther-waiyse almost byoocollic, anno mutch traff’uh. Eevna-uff arwa usin’ vocablarree a workinclass scawtsmanah nuvver’d known, an cud’nevvar-spaylte. Ah wer wairin ma green coat tha ar laiyk ta war so ah was nawt coal’d.

Wunna gaw te-ah doctor, shee cudnae understand woh ah wer sayin eethar so ah-harta wraiy-et doon mar-wards awn har nooh-putt. Ah wro tha ah ha wokn up with thuss rutchet scawt-ish-acksen anah didnae no hoo-en-waiy. I wannenneee now whan ard be backk tae narmal, wannar cud gaw backnae warke.

Evanee-wann-ar wroohte doohn mar wards’ahn har-put, she stull cudnee’understan warwa wraiyytin, alees-aht-farsglunns, anshee hud ta ree-tittuh cuppla taiyms tae-getta-sairns. It was ahmbarasin. Arr startata-nee thahnkn shae thowt arwar puddnee-on, but ahwarn. Evaaayn-shully sha mahn’j’tae gay ma meen’n, anna pur wom’n didnae no wahta doo.

Thar were n-orkwerd saiylence. Tharn she startaene speakn. Shay tol-ma -- thus us goohn soond sullee -- bah off-fern thees thungs carn-byeeunn-arr-maiyns. Shae sahd thaar-er bahs-waiy-tae faiynt-oot whatts ahn-ar-maiyns us tae raity’t-doon. Than, maiybe, ah cudnae gair-sm cluhrr-tee awn-ut. Maiybee ard faiynd’oot waiy-aysah speakn laiyke a cohnt. She didnae say cohnt tho, I’m sayin-aht. Cohnt.

Buh’t war ohbveeyus sha didnae no wha she war talk’n abowt. Stull-ar dahd war shae towl me. Ah starttatene wraiyt doon mar thorts an thus ahs woot thay’ar, wortyar-reed’n raaiyt noo heeyar.

Ah noo-ar-rahlaiyse thars-ap-serlootly naw reesin’ farmee’ta wraiyt ar tork’n ass stewput-ucksen. Utherthantha-ar doohn feell fowlks-er gohhna paaiy me marctha-taiyshyan ahh-ffar speekan-mar normal voiyse. Ba waiy-scorrtts? Wohtar-bee wron’ wuth aiyrish furr’sumpl? Arr-waylsh? Ah’donnoh. Pupsya can wraiyte eeen mar compleet shaiyte ahn scawts ahnna kaiyna looks-arraiyte ya knnow?

Soar-hawp-yae can guv mae sum a-teynnshan, cawse thass garna maiyk ma harppeh. Ann-also, causs-us mutch-assa-laiyke-raiyten-enna, causs-ass acksher-llee kwaiyte fahn, ass-arlsoh rarthar taiyrin, so plaiyse lahsen’ta-mee, paya-tehnshun incayse arrjus rahns-ootar speet.