Pathetic

I can now empathise with Kurt Cobain, referring to when he talkes
about Boddah- the child he once was and his only true friend.

I just have to listen to one song an i want to burst out crying. Just
hearing my childhood memories makes me visionise my past happiness and
care free attitude to life. Even now just writing these few words,
tears are welling up in my eyes. I just want to be that happy dancing
child I once was. When we were all happy, when my parents were in love,
when I didnt have these fucking hormones, when everything was so
simple.

Why can't I still be like that. I knows theres no point wishing i was
back there coz I've matured too much, learnt too much and seen too many
horrible things to retrieve the attitude I once had. Now I've become
this paranoid insecure freak who's too scared to get out of bed every
morning in fear of what terrible things will happen in the day, who's
too scared to open her eyes to face the harsh pattern of everyday
reality.

In a way everyones similar to Kurt. Each of us has a child inside of us
who we depend on in a way. Who we depend on to help us to be who we
are. I know i still have this happiness inside me but it's like a wound
thats fast healing up and I am finding it harder and harder to reach
this happiness everday.

It's all bottling up inside me and i have absolutely no way of letting
it out coz everytime i try and cry it just comes out silent and dry.
The tears just don't seem to want to leave my soul. And this puddle of
misery just doesnt want to leave me.

So here I am 14 years old, a nervous, paranoid insecure emotional
fuck-wit. And trust me, there are plenty more out there like me and
worse than me. What hope do I have for the future if this is what state
I'm in at 14? What possible hope can there be for the future of this
country. Each and everyone of us turns everything into a
melodrama.

Love, (yeah right) I've given up on love. I'm Numbed now to any
feelings. I can no longer feel any kind of compassion running through
my blood and I'm just becoming another robot programmed to work and not
feel. I've bin cut off. I can't feel love, I can't feel hate, I can't
feel accomplishment, i can't even feel fucking SAD, so what am I
feeling?

I honestly don't know but its bin hanging over me for a fucking long
time- i can tell you.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would notice if I escaped for a while and
met up with them all in heaven. Would I actually make a difference to
any of their lives? The only place I actually feel free nowadays is in
my dreams. They arw the only place where I am happy, Free and where I
can escape my saddening reality.

If only dreams were reality,
If only love were true,
If only I could not feel like I do.
If only I were free..........