Break the Child: Chapter Thirty-eight: He's Here

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Oh, my Goodness, he’s here. My baby brother has been born and he’s the only good thig in my whole entire life, because—you see—my mum’s gone.

I’ve got so much to say but I’m emotional and I can only sit up for short periods because it turns out that, as well as my fractured skull, I’ve got two broken ribs and they hurt a lot—oh man, they hurt more than my broken head.

My dad doesn’t know which way is up.

And I can’t tell him that it’s that way, because that’s a phrase I heard him say to Auntie Linda.

‘I don’t know which way is up, Linda.’

‘I know which way is up because I can see it, but I don’t know what’s going to happen to us because apart from little Andy—who is totally, absolutely, marshmallows gorgeous—everything has changed, and I miss my Mum so much.

But stop making me go ahead of myself and let me tell it.

I was in the bed and I wouldn’t go to sleep like they told me to. And I wouldn’t lie back and relax and wait for my dad to come with news. The doctor threatened to sedate me if I didn’t do as I was told, but he said it in a nice way and I cried a whole lot and begged him like I’ve never begged for anything before to let me be there outside the delivery room—like they promised me—while my brother was born.  Only it’s turned out not to be a delivery room—it’s an operating theatre because she had to have a Caesarean due to the dementia.

The doctor spoke to Janet, the Social Worker, and I heard her say something about a protection order. They were supposed to be whispering but they weren’t very good at it. If Sal and I were talking a secret we’d make sure nobody could hear and we might even talk in code, because we made one up when we were about twelve. I heard Janet say that my Mum is not allowed near me. She said a feet number, but I can’t remember that and don’t even know what it means.

I cried and cried, and Janet talked about safeguarding and best interests, but I saw the doctor wag his finger at her. He’s like a big man and he’s a special doctor for children and he talks to everybody as though they are all children—even me. It would be funny seeing him wagging his finger at Janet if I wasn’t so sad.

‘Now young Katie, I believe  a promise was made—and we at St Joseph’s take promises very seriously, very seriously indeed. So, I think we’d better make sure we keep this promise. I think it would be okay for you to sit in a wheelchair in a special room by the operating theatres until you can see your brother.’

‘What about my mum, Doctor. I have to see her. I just have to—she will think this is all her fault and I have to tell her it’s alright and that I know it wasn’t her properly and that I still love her.’

‘Yes, my dear, I can see your predicament. Now you must understand that this is a new environment for your mummy, and she’s very confused and we’ve had to give her a lot of medicine to keep her calm. I think, as long as you understand that she’ll be very sleepy and you won’t be frightened by that, it would be alright for you to see her—just for a couple of minutes—before we get her ready to take down. How’s that?’

My dad came to get me, and a nurse came with us. The ward was very noisy, not like the Children’s ward that was pretty quiet really, apart from people laughing and stuff. Mum’s ward was scary and an old lady with her dressing gown on back to front shuffled passed us holding a doll as though it was her baby. Somewhere a few rooms down, somebody was screaming, and I heard a lot of swearwords. I knew it was the right ward on account of the dressing gown. Mum puts her clothes on back to front all the time.  

They wheeled me into Mum’s room, and I was very frightened, but dad squeezed my hand and told me everything was alright. There were two men standing either side of her bed, right up close and they had on black trousers and grey shirts with a badge that said Security.

Mum had a bandage around her head and I looked at her big stomach that was like a huge balloon under the pink blanket with airholes in it, and I thought that it was the last time I was ever going to see it—I didn’t know then that it was the last time I’d see my mum. So, I wasn’t as sad as I am now.

Dad smoothed her hair back from her forehead, it was all sweaty and he gave her a kiss where her hair had been. But I wasn’t allowed to, one of the men put his hand out.

‘Not too close, Sir.’

Dad sat in the chair beside her and he put his hand over her wrist, loving like, but I think it was so that if Mum hit out at me she wouldn’t be able to reach.

‘Hello Annie, love. Look who I’ve brought to see you. It’s our Katie.’

It’s like he had to explain who I am in case she didn’t know. Mum struggled to get up a bit, but she fell back against the pillows because her eyes were all droopy like that dog with the hat on and a pipe in its mouth.

‘Where’s my purse. Somebody’s stolen my Purse?’

‘Katie, say hello to your mum, darling. It’s okay. I’m here.’

Tears were tripping me up and my mum didn’t even look at me.

‘Hello Mum.’

I couldn’t speak. I was sobbing and trying not to and I had so much that I wanted to say to her, but the words were all choked up so that nothing came out properly.

‘Mum? Everything’s going to be all right. I love you mum.’

And she looked at me. And I was happy for a second until she screwed her face up.

‘That girl looks ridiculous. Has she stolen my money?’

She tried to shout at me but all that came out was a strangled ahh sound that was really loud. She was fighting against my dad to get up and the guards pushed him out of the way and held her down.  My dad wheeled me out of the room and the nurse showed him into the relatives lounge where I was going to wait.

It had two  green leather sofas and a table with magazines and an open box of tissues, some toys for young children and a television, The remote was on the arm of one of the sofas. And there was a waste bin with some tissues in it and an empty crisp packet.

I will never forget that room.

‘Katie, they are going to get Mum ready now and I want you to be happy and think about the baby coming, today is a good day my darling—but we need to have a talk. There’s something I’ve got to tell you and, my love, there’s never going to be a good time to tell you this.’  

‘What is it Dad? Is mum okay. Has something bad happened to the baby?’

‘No, Katie, no they are both fine. In an hour or so we are going to have your brother and you’ll be able to hold him. We have a whole new future to plan.’

‘That’s good, dad. That’s good. I can’t take anymore, bad, please don’t let there be any more bad.’

‘If he’s well, they see no reason for him to stay in here and we can take him home with us today. Isn’t that exciting?’

He didn’t sound excited, he sounded scared.

‘But Darling, I need you to be really brave for me because your Mum isn’t going to be coming home with us.’

‘Oh, is that all, that’s okay dad, we can manage. She has to stay in because of her stitches. Are you sad because she won’t have Andy with her? It’ll be all right, we can show her how to hold him gently when she comes out of hospital. We’ll teach her how again and we’ll never leave her alone with him and we’ll make it all right between us. She’ll be home soon and we have to be careful, that’s all. Don’t be scared, I’ve been reading all about how to look after a baby’

‘Sweetheart because of what happened to you, it isn’t safe for your mum to live with us.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘A judge has decided that your mum has to live somewhere else, oh, but Katie, it’s a lovely place. I went to see it this morning and she will have her own room and everything.’

I can feel tears running down my face but I’m too shocked to know that I’m crying.  How could he have been this morning, it only happened yesterday? He was with Mum this morning.’

‘You can’t let them do that to her dad. She’ll be so frightened. She needs us—and she needs Andy.’

‘Sush, darling shush, it’s okay. Your mum’s going to be well looked after and it’s the right time for her.’

‘Will I be able to visit her?’

‘Not yet my love, maybe when you’re older, but the court thinks that it’s best for now to let her settle and we have to make sure that you and Andy are safe.’

And then they came to get my dad and there was no time to say anything else. Aunty Linda came in to stay with me and it was really quick. I heard my mum screaming, like really screaming. I was scared that they wouldn’t be able to carry on if they couldn’t put her to sleep—but then it was quiet. I thought it would be hours like in a proper labour. I didn’t think you could cut somebody open so quickly.

I heard Andy cry, I’m smiling now and crying at the same time as I write this because he sounded really angry, not like a little, little baby, but a proper bawler.

And then it was only a few minutes and my dad came in with this blue bundle all clean and quiet. And he put my brother in my arms. And it was a happy happy, sad, sad moment.

‘Katie, I’d like you to meet Master Andrew Barnet.’