What's Simple Is True

I sat there, once again searching my heart for one sweet memory and
finding only shattered moments. The pit in my stomach grew larger with
every memory. I felt as if my heart had been beaten and torn and chewed
and ripped far too many times. So sitting there didn't change one thing
about my life, it never had done and it never would. That was the story
of my life, nothing changed, nobody cared, nobody ever had, I knew that
much. So wearily I picked up my university work and dragged myself over
to the computer making myself finish assignments and once again I found
myself throwing myself into my work in an attempt to forget the
heartache. I connected to the Internet and loaded up my work, sighed
and began to type. It must have been an hour gone when I received an
e-mail. As it loaded up my mouth got dry and my palms grew sweaty; it
was from Josh Williams.

Staring at his photo on the side was enough to make the memories I had
tried so hard to forget come flooding back and hit me harder than ever.
My eyes brimmed with tears and my face crumbled into my hands, running
a hand through my l hair I urged myself to read the e-mail from the one
man who broke my world in two. As I scrolled down the page I broke into
the silence and read the e-mail aloud
"Kerry, I miss you. Josh 07967354781"
The words rang like alarm bells in my ears and sitting reading the
e-mail over and over made my heart break and groan more than it ever
had done. Time after Time I had replayed the whole thing in my mind,
the hurt, the deceit, hoping to find one thing to answer the question I
had so often asked, only to console myself by thinking, 'the truth
hurts.' And so our story truly begins.

People always talk about how love is so great, or how love hurts. What
about the feeling in the beginning, middle and end? I first met Josh in
a rather unfortunate way, a faulty lift on the 10th floor. I entered
the lift thinking I was alone not noticing a tall figure in the corner.
The lift began to move at its slow soothing pace when a shudder ran
through the entire lift and it came to a grinding halt. " Bloody Hell"
I exclaimed in sheer horror and disbelief. I looked around in the
desperation, double taking at the shadowy figure in the corner.
" We could be stuck here for a while," he said coming out of the
darkness and sitting on the lift floor. I stood there with my mouth
hanging open, as he beckoned me to join him on the cold, threadbare
carpet of the lift. Polite conversation was made, the exchanging of
names took place (his being Josh) and various other chats including the
weather was discussed, but soon it changed into a free flowing chat.
Being alone with him for only 30 minutes made me dizzy and tingle all
over, it was a sensation that took over my entire body. Josh made me
feel as though I didn't need to put up a guard as I had done in the
past. The lift began to rumble and move at its slow pace once again, a
look of disappointment washed over my face, which Josh noticed and he
smiled a slow reassuring smile, which made the sensation buzz and
tingle all over again. As the lift pulled up to the Ground Floor, we
both stepped, blinking, into the sunlight. I turned to him and Josh
stepped forward, " Well goodbye&;#8230;" I said and turned on my
heel, strutting out into the street, cursing myself for being such a
coward. Hearing the sound of Josh shouting my name I stopped, my heart
beating. "Wait there, I was wondering if, um you would like to meet up,
purely to discuss how our lives will be scarred for ever by being stuck
in a lift?"
Laughing I agreed, gave him my phone number and a date was soon agreed.
Watching him walk away his gold chain and watch sparkling in the golden
light, I thought I was onto a good thing&;#8230; but I couldn't have
been more wrong. Our first date came and went along with eight others,
before finally we were a couple. It was more than anything I could've
ever wished for; HE was more than anything I could've ever wished for.
I had fallen in love with him; it was as simple and as complicated as
that. The weeks that passed felt like hours, and the months that
followed simply flew by, making me feel the only thing in focus was
Josh and me.

Waking up, reaching for him and finding him gone made everything so
clear, the argument I had thought was a nightmare was not, It had
happened and now he had gone. Angry tears mixed with frustration and
confusion spilled down my cheeks.
" All because I didn't want him to go on a sodding business trip!" I
whispered into the heartbreaking silence&;#8230;" well if this
BUSINESS is more important than being with me, he knows where he can
shove this relationship " I said this a little louder, knowing I was
lying but letting my stubbornness ignore this minor detail. The door
slammed, I jumped (under the covers in fact) then I realised what I was
doing and that I was a mature adult and I pretended to be asleep
instead. I heard his footsteps on the wooden floor, cross over to where
I was sleeping, then I felt his weight sitting on the edge of the bed,
and I must have sighed too loud, or moved too far away from him because
he sighed and said wearily " Kerry&;#8230;I know you're
awake&;#8230;"
I sat up and did what must have been a very unconvincing stretch
because he raised an excusing eyebrow.
" So&;#8230;" he croaked out
" So&;#8230;have you got a reason for last night?" I said
defiantly
He took a deep breath and paused, then began, "The reason why? Well,
there's really only one. For the first time in my life, I'm torn
between recognizing something and just letting go. I don't want to let
go at all, but I don't want to ignore the old tale of nothing ever
being truly yours until you let go of it and it comes right back to
you, and you're that one thing, you are that one thing that I need to
make my life more complete and whole than you have already made
it"
He finished that last sentence, looked at me then quickly looked at the
floor, tracing a pattern on the wooden floor with his big toe; it was
as though he had rehearsed it, like it was an act. Then the phone rang,
breaking the spell that had been cast over us. He answered it, his back
turned to me. He gave only one word answers, No, Yes, and various other
forms, just like he always did do. I was just being paranoid I thought,
so I stayed in bed, watching big raindrops fall down the side of the
window, feeling warm and safe in my bed knowing everything was just
fine, until the next business trip which was consequently next
week.

The phone rang several times throughout the next day and when I
answered whoever it was hung up, so basically if they were trying to do
my head in they were succeeding, but I couldn't complain because it was
Josh's phone&;#8230;which really made me worry more because whoever
it was wanted Josh and didn't want me. So after the eighth ring the
'mystery' caller decided to stop pressing 141 before calling and I
finally got a number, a mobile number. It's amazing how a person can
obsess over something so much that they feel like they are on the brink
of insanity (and that's just after an hour) so seeing his mobile lying
there, taunting me, made me snatch it up and try and work out how to
turn the blasted thing on. I finally got into the mobile, and made my
way to the phone book, I went through each number carefully, and had
only got to number 25 when one matched, a perfect match Each number was
correct, I should know, I had checked it 14 times (just to be on the
safe side), It wasn't the fact that someone had rung me eight times
constantly, Josh had cheated on me before and I had taken him back it
was just the fact it was a woman, a woman named Ellie; Ellie
Bradshaw.

I only knew Ellie briefly, but what I knew I disliked. She was a
career-minded bitch, who would do anything to get what she wanted, when
she wanted, Her work was her life. I first met her at Josh's awards
ceremony, she won a total of 6 awards, the most a colleague had ever
won at that place of work. She had flirted with Josh the entire night,
and whispered sweet nothings into his ear right in front of my face. I
had left the ceremony absolutely fuming; jealousy had overcome me for
the first time in our relationship. I met her on several other
occasions, and left feeling the same way as when I had first met her,
as though somebody had slapped me across the face. So that was how I
met her, and that was why I wasn't particularly pleased about her
phoning my temporary home in a teenage crush manner. I picked up the
phone and began to punch in her number, each punch made me madder. Then
I stopped and my reviewed my situation and realised if I went storming
in making accusations I wouldn't find anything out, what I wanted was
the cold, hard truth&;#8230;and the only way to do that was
evidence. I was awoken from my deep thoughts by his mobile beeping
furiously. I looked at it curiously, a sensation burning in my stomach.
Well I have nothing to lose I thought picked up the phone, pressed a
few random buttons, just managing to bring a text message onto the once
blank screen. It read: Why is that 'cling on' answering your phone?
Forget about her and concentrate on last night&;#8230;all my love
Ellie xxx
I dropped the phone horrified by what I had read, but also by how
stupid I had been to ignore the signs&;#8230;everything had been so
simple. I walked slowly round the room filling my arms with belongings,
then threw them down onto the sofa, realising I had wasted a year and a
half of my life on a relationship without trust. Before long I had
removed every item of mine into boxes and suitcases, and dialled for a
taxi. It felt sad leaving behind a life I had grown to love and the man
I would've trusted with my life. That very same hour I left, leaving
not a note of explanation but the phone with the guilty text message.
It explained everything. I took one look at the empty shelves and
walked out of the room, not crying.

So that brings us back to the beginning of my story of having loved and
lost. I deleted his email, along with his voicemails and text messages.
Leaving me with questions that I didn't want the answers to. The very
thought of having him to explain everything made me shiver, I knew it
would make me weak, make me need him again if I saw him. So all I can
do is get back to my own little world, of forgetting him and
concentrating on everything else. I hope my next relationship is
successful and doesn't make me feel like I need to run away, like I did
with Josh. I had given him so much love, enough for the both of us but
I'll learn to cope. Each day is a new one, and eventually I will find
someone else, someone who I am capable of loving and who is capable of
loving me. Crying helps, but now I'm living in the University halls it
isn't always easy. I simply turn up the music and curl up on the
windowsill, and open up the window. The wind flows all around me as I
say his name and watch the tears drop down to the concrete below, but
the crying has to end sometime and getting this whole story out has
helped and made me realise that at one point we think a relationship
will last forever, but it won't, because well, forever is a long
time.