I wanted so much for it to be true

It made me so happy
to be free...
after all,
i wanted it so much to be real.

i had friends and they listened,
i belonged,
i really did feel that i belonged.
then the girls came,
and i felt so isolated.

So many young men were
getting it, almost doing it:
it just made me feel so bad
not to be wanted or desired,
i wanted to do it with someone
like me,
but i felt that she was less,
i even felt ashamed.

It then occurred to me
i was shorter than others
weaker than others,
less graceful than others,
it occurred to me
that i was less than others.

i didn't complain though.
i wondered how blacks felt
or why feeling was so important.
After all, thoughts could
change feelings.
All i could think was
how jealous I was so the rebellious ones.

feelings can explode,
an onrush of negativity can destroy a day.
i wondered why do i felt so bad about myself,
about my image,
why did i wish to become like the others?