If Thou Would Not Love Me, Holy Spirit

If Thou would not love me,
what is it about me that i should change?
i suppose Thee
are like a Mother to the Son and Father
the Virgin spiritualized be.

I long and long for thee
for distances unbound.
i would prefer to be with Thee
above all Manhood.

Where are you and why have you left me?
Is it so impossible to find time for some afternoon Tea?
where is thy pleroma
and poetic Fecundity?

Oh, I know, I must have the Passion of Matthew
or the Passion of Saul/Paul,
I must learn to take joy in suffering
and burn out my sins and burn out my self,
i must love Christ first no matter how much it pains me
not being able to express myself with dexterity.

But I keep on giving up
my fasting only lasts three hours
i have cravings up and down the ladder
for alcohol, chinese food, and other pleasures
i keep and keep deserting you
bad husband i am.
am i just fucked up
or royally screwed
or is it that relativism
and seeing the good and bad in everything
has killed all my convictions?

HS, please come back to me
let me be convinced of the reality of God
and his pure energy flowing into Life
through the Logos Spermatikos
marking us as children of his much too graceful
Yes.