Searcher 3

I am in the desert again. That woman was horrifying. Meditation? I can't just sit still and do nothing. I need to be moving. Stillness is for statues. Besides, I've tried meditation before. All I think about is my morning coffee and what flavor it's gonna be and how hot that girl is whom I met last night. That woman was horrifying! Two dark holes for eyes! It was like I was staring into the void!

I am walking as fast as I can in the sand. I try not to think. I am still walking so slow. I feel as if I will sink into the sand. I think, "How have I become this way?" I remember when I was young. I fell in love with a girl. I must have been 15 or so. I would have done anything for that girl. I felt a light coming on in the center of my heart. I would talk to her for hours and hours. Everything felt like Magic. What was her name? I can't even remember her name. Was that spirituality? Or was that sublimated sexual desire? The Bible speaks of love. It speaks of the love of God. God loved humans so much he sent his only son to save them from sin. This was the same God who almost destroyed the whole of mankind in a flood because we were evil. Only Noah and his family survived.  Was this love? Was this spirituality? I needed to pray for my enemies, ask forgiveness for my sins, keep the Sabbath, and do good deeds so I could be saved and go to heaven.

He prayed for forgiveness in the middle of the desert. He asked for forgiveness for having taken advantage of men and women, for lying to himself and others, and for being a selfish bastard. He prayed more and more until his inner voice became more and more silent. Was he a wicked man? All the pain that he felt when the girl broke up with him was buried underneath all the pleasures that he had indulged in. Now he began to feel the pain again and it was overwhelming. He felt terrible. He felt that he could not go on. Was it really that girl that was the cause of the pain he felt or was it the pain of life he was feeling?