SOMETIMES, I think I have the devil in me, this Godforsaken anger inside of me, literally like a volcano. But behind my silent eyes and my sealed lips, I reveal nothing.
Let me tell you something else about myself. I am short; I am Asian; I am.... Angry. Ok, that was actually the same thing. I want to say it over and over again as to impress upon your mind that I am...
I usually spend my free time walking around the school, being angry. Somehow none of my ager shows on my face. Nothing shows on my face, it's like it's a mask. Sometimes, I try to take it off. I wash my face as hard as I can, almost expecting to wash my face away. That would be a fine ending. Wash my face, nose, and lips away. At home, I drink inside of room, nursing my anger. It's hard to tell you what all my anger is all about. There's something about school that I don't like very much. I like to drink though, lots of Vodka. It's my drink of choice. I got a tube of toothpaste next to my vodka. Just in case my parents find out. The funny thing is they haven't found out. I'm 12 years old, but I don't think I am alcoholic. I drink every day, but I stop when I start to feel too... you know. That's the way I like to feel, somewhere between tipsy and initially drunk. I don't like any of the negative feelings like hangovers or sea-sickness which you can sometimes get. But you have to maintain and nurse this feeling and it neutralizes the anger inside of you, at least it does me. But this anger inside of me, that's what I am here to talk about, isn't it? Yes.
First, I feel like I deserve more than what I got. I mean, I know that my parents are my parents, but couldn't I have gotten parents who understood me better? At first, they were so loving of me.
-Oh look, our baby crawls so well. He'll be walking soon.
-He can walk. Let's have a celebration.
-He doesn't seem to like playing with other kids. He just punched another kid.
I really did not mean to punch that little kid. I must have been 4. He was chasing me around for so long, doing what I was doing. I just got sick of him. That's another thing about me. I get sick of people very quickly. I just don't like people. They make me really angry.
But the Vodka. It fixes everything. So I punched a kid. That was years ago. Then again, I punched every other kid who came over too. It became a bit of a problem. I punched girls too. That's when I started to drink Vodka and somehow, I learned to stop punching kids. I think it was a good thing.
That's when my mother started to take me to a child psychologist:
-I like to drink.
-It's a bit early to start drinking, isn't it Charles?
-I'm just so angry.
-What makes you so angry?
-Your face makes me angry.
-Why is that?
-All faces make me angry.
I really don't know what I am saying to my psychologist. Everything is fine now that I can have a drink. All faces look very right and reasonable. The world looks right and righter and righteous. I just don't know what my problem is, but once the effect of the Vodka begins to wear off, this anger mixed with a sense of undying sadness comes into me. It really drags me down and I cannot stand being in this state so I drink once again.