THERE ARE REPORTS IN THE MEDIA THAT SO CALLED 'HEALTH FOODS' ARE GIVING SOME CAUSE FOR CONCERN. APPARENTLY AN EXCESS OF POLYUNSATURATES CAN CAUSE HALLUCINATIONS AND STALE MUESLI HAS BEEN FOUND TO CONTAIN TRACE ELEMENTS OF LYSERGIC ACID. LET'S GO AND EXPAND OUR MINDS AND SCORE SOME GRUB.
'Murder in the court!, murder in the court!' squawked Polly, Judge Coruscatums parrot as it flew around the court.
"No no no, order in the court, order in the court shouted the judge at his errant bird. Polly cackled, seeming to laugh hysterically.
"Alright, let's get on with the business of this chamber barked his Lordship. This prompted his cat Nosferatu to open one eye and fix it upon the bird. He knew the business he'd like to attend to. His claws extended automatically, as he ran them slowly down his masters oak panelled desk.
"Alright Officer Grimble intoned the Judge in a sepulchral manner.
"Can you relate the events of Saturday July the 13th for the benefit of this court.
Officer Grimble rose unsteadily to his feet, took his notebook from his pocket and began to recite.
"Hi was proceeding h'in an easterly direction h'on the h'eevening of the 13th of July, going about my duty ” which is ” the h'apprension of hobbledehoys, slubberdegullions, ne'er do wells and peoples h'of an indeterminate skin colour, when a call came over the radio that there were people seemingly cavorting around and generally enjoying themselves hi'n a most unseemly manner; apparently to Grateful Dead records played at a most intemperate volume. This ” uh ” party, h'emanated from the grounds of 'Our Lady of the Consecration's home for elderly female destitutes.
"What's that, what's e say!? shouted Mrs. Frogmorton (who was one of the defendants) as she jumped up, ear trumpet firmly in place.
"I'm not a bleeding prostitute!, I'll 'ave yer guts for garters yer snivelling lackey of imperialism!.
At this she commenced a fit of coughing that was so severe, her false teeth, not noted for their tenacity, were projected from her mouth at an untoward velocity. They connected with the stenographers pate knocking him unconscious. His toupee flew forward and landed at the feet of Nosferatu who commenced a frenzy of spitting and squalling so severe, he attacked the Advocate for the Prosecution, in his Feline dementia. (This caused a hubbub, the like never seen since the case of 'Regina V. the Oxford Morris dancers glee club', Nosferatu on that occasion took an inclination of a sexual nature to the forewomans' fox fur, and attempted coitus maximus while it was still draped around her personage).
At the current melee the Judge awoke and began to demand order, banging his gavel down on to what he thought was his block. Unfortunately he missed and hit his ashtray instead, sending shards of antique porcelain flying across the courtroom, severely injuring several witnesses and an officer of the court. The Havana cigar that had been smouldering therein, was projected high into the air with a few small embers falling onto Nosferatu's tail and a large ember fell onto the judges wig. Finally ambulances were called and order was restored.
"Now officer Grimble ” please continue said the Judge.
"Thankinyew m'lud” well,” when I arrived at the aforementioned premises I found what can only be described as scenes of 'Rabelaisian' debauchery well beyond my 'umble parameters of comprehension.
"Yes, yes, go on go on! ordered the Judge loosening his suspender belt hidden under his raiments, "We haven't got all day you know.
Tiny beads of sweet could just be discerned on his forehead, he licked his lips nervously. "Well m'lud, all the ” ahem ladies were of a dishevelled appearance and partially clothed, "Yes yes! gurgled the judge, barely able to control himself, his eyes taking on a maniacal glint, "Carry on carry on!. "Well m'lud, on hentering the premises I found Miss Harmsworthy and Mrs Throttlewell liberally coating one another with embalming fluid h'in the chair lift. Mrs. Hurlingham was 'anging hupside down in her Zimmer frame from a chandelier singin' Rule Brittania and Miss Alice Aforethought was sitting hon Mrs. Mugworts face while Miss De Sade attempted forcible h'entry of her nether regions with her false leg. At this, Judge Coruscatum creamed his silk lined colostomy bag and had to call a fifteen minute recess to adjust his particulars. After the recess the officer continued. "H'upon entering the region of the kitchen, hi was accosted by Miss Linklater, who with glazed eye and slovenly expression, tried to proposition me. 'Hey there big boy!, is that a cucumber in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? she said listing heavily. "Don't you mean lisping heavily? Interjected the judge. "No your estimableness, she was definitely listing - to starboard if my memory serves me correctly replied the officer. "And then what happened?! said Judge Coruscatum barely able to contain himself.
"Well sir, she ' um - began to fondle my truncheon in a most salacious manner. The judge let out an audible moan.
"Well m'lud I 'ad to take pertinent action commensurate with the proceedings in 'and. "And what did you do? dribbled the judge, "I disconnected her pacemaker sir! replied the officer. "Very commendable, you showed great initiative, I'm sure your superiors will see you attain promotion ” please continue.
Officer Grimble cleared his throat and went on.
"well your graceship, after deliverin' this 'coop de grace', I noticed lyin' about me all over the kitchen, substances capable of hallucinogenic properties.
"And what were these prithytell? ejaculated the judge.
"Well your allmightyness - I noted 48 tubs of Flora, 85 packets of Ginseng tea, 34 'undredweight of Sainsbury's industrial grade muesli, um - that' s the unsugared variety; 4 cartons of cigarette papers - I presumed they wanted these for smokin' the muesli - and a hundred and fifty bottles of night nurse.
At this Officer Grimble folded up his notebook and put it back into his tunic pocket allowing himself a smug smile as he did so. It was several minutes before Judge Coruscatum could bring himself to speak, but finally he drew a deep breath and said "Well well well, this is a case of true moral degeneracy, the depravity of which I've not heard the like of since the bar exams beano at Oxford In'37.
The judge at this point became agitated, "It's getting awfully hot in here, couldn't we have a few windows open?.
Suddenly without warning his wig erupted into flames sending sparks in all directions, Pandemonium ensued, with everyone bolting for the exits. Polly,who had been sleeping through most of the proceeding awoke, and began to flap around dementedly squawking "fire! fire! fire!.
Nosferatu was beside himself with hysteria with his tail on fire, screeched and raced up inside the Judges vestments as he tried to escape. This had the effect of sending the judge into a catalyptic frenzy, clawing at his robes and screaming at the top of his voice. In his dementia he tried to get away but caught his suspender belt on the drawer of his desk, catapulting him backwards into a heap on the floor. Luckily this sudden motion had the effect of dislodging the incandescent wig from the top of his head.
By this time a quick witted usher had returned with a fire extinguisher,and proceeded to spray in the general direction of his Lordships desk. With the fire out and the canister emptied, the usher felt well pleased with himself, sure in the knowledge that he'd be in line for promotion. Suddenly from the mountain of foam the judge emerged like some mad spectre, spitting and frothing from every conceivable orifice, dressed only in silk underwear, his fishnet stockings around his ankles and suspender belt flapping. He had a maniacal gleam in his eye.
Wailing like a banshee the usher fled from this Incubus from hell, crossing himself as he ran. He fell into the arms of a policeman outside muttering that he would never touch another choirboy as long as he lived. An ambulance was called and six men in white coats went inside. The scene inside the courtroom was unparalleled. Polly was sitting on the judges head squawking 'it was the cat!, it was the cat!' whilst pecking at his owners follicles. Nosferatu meanwhile, was sitting in a mire of feculant foam having torn apart the Judges colostomy bag, thinking that it was about to attack him. The judge sat cross-legged fingering his bra strap, staring into space and mumbling 'I want my teddy' over and over again. The ambulance men secured him in a straitjacket covering his exotic garb, and led him away.
The case was abandoned and never came to re-trial for lack of evidence. Judge Coruscaturn spent the rest of his days in a home for the terminally unravelled. He never spoke again, save for one sentence he uttered one sunny Sunday afternoon when he was being wheeled along in his wheel chair. For no particular reason he turned around to the nurse and fixing him with gimlet eye, said
"Well at least Polly was unsaturated!.