Bits and pieces

The Cloak of Invisibility is priceless, worth countless billions. I can’t believe I’ve lost it, I only put it down for a minute. I’ve looked everywhere, but …

but to be honest I can’t find anything since I had that rose-tinted laser eye surgery. I keep thinking I’ve found it, only to realise that my eyes are deceiving me.

I should stop buying these things, but the ads are so convincing. Every advert I watch shows these happy people, smiling and laughing as they enjoy the latest consumer products. It’s why I became an actor, it all looked such fun. Little did I know the suffering actors go through to feign happiness. Yesterday, for example, I had to shoot the same scene 473 times. I was playing the happy, smiling man enjoying a beer in a trendy bar – I almost died of alcohol poisoning. Worst is the false smiling, I’ve permanently disfigured my face. When I cease smiling now you can literally hear my cheek bones cracking, so unused is my face to a non-smiling expression.

No, my life is miserable. I thought about starting all over again. I even invested in a time machine, but unfortunately it was faulty, and wouldn’t go back in time. I took it back to the shop, but didn’t get my money back. “We don’t do refunds,” the assistant said, “It’s not necessary, all you need to do is go back in time and stop yourself buying it in the first place.” “But it’s faulty,” I reminded her, “It doesn’t go back in time.”  The assistant was puzzled momentarily, but then switched to confident sales-pitch mode. “I know exactly what you need, one of our time machines.”

They say that elephants never forget, but when did an elephant last send you a birthday card?

The opinion pollster wanted to know my opinion of opinion polls. I told him that I refused to take part in opinion polls, as they distort complex, reasoned ideas into bland, pointless soundbites.  He thanked me for taking part in the poll – it turns out that 73% of respondents agreed with me.

My doctor says I’ll never work again. I regret sending him my CV now. Critics!

The problem with our electoral system is that the only people who ever stand for election are the last people on earth you’d want to vote for, which is why I’ve decided to stand for election this year – nobody would ever want to vote for me.

I hate modern literature. These writers that plonk eight or nine paragraphs together and call it a ‘story’!