The Giant

 

Pre-season

 

We have a giant on our team!

 

The new number 46. He is huge, Coach says he’s seven foot seven and 25 stone, he’s build like a house, but he can’t half shift it, he’s the quickest runner I’ve ever seen, those long legs at full stretch mean he can cover the field in no time. We trained together for an hour this afternoon and he’s like having an extra three men in your team – impossible to get past and just as hard to stop – it took six of us to tackle him.

 

We’re so going to win the league this year. Just having him in the side lifted everyone else’s performance, he’s a real confidence booster.

 

Week One

 

A strange decision by Coach not to play the giant. He argued that the rest of the team was playing so well in practice that we didn’t need to play the giant and that all the opposition scouts and spotters would be here for the first game and he didn’t want to give them an early chance to work out a way of countering the giant’s game.

 

I have to say these arguments didn’t cut it with me, fine if we were playing any other team, but Bushy are tough, we’ve never beaten them, they’re clear favourites to go up, and if we needed the giant for just one game this season it was this one.

Alas, I proved right. We actually played much better than I’d expected, but Bushy were too strong for us and pinched a winner three minutes from the end.

 

Week Two

 

Stranger and stranger. Coach decided not to play the giant again this week. It’s all very well arguing that we’re a good enough team without him. Yes we’re fantastic in practice, but that’s because the giant lifts our game. Without him on the pitch we soon lost confidence and were quite easily beaten by Brompton Heights, a team that will finish mid-table at best.

 

At least the Coach acknowledged his mistake and guaranteed that the giant will play next week.

 

Week Three

 

The giant was in fine form in training and twice sprinted the full length of the pitch in under a minute. The guy is phenomenal, there’s not a team in the world that could stop him, let alone in our league. Despite our pointless start to the season we’re all feeling confident, and promotion would mean a significant boost to our salaries.

 

Alas, just before the match was due to start Coach announced that the giant had picked up an injury. A hasty change to the planned team meant that half of us were playing out of position, myself included, and we managed to lose to newly promoted Iggleston Nearlies, their first ever win at this level.

 

Weeks Four, Five and Six

 

Our first points, with a win against Bunston Blasters, failed to lift us from the floor of the table, where we rigidly remain two weeks later, thanks to humiliating defeats against Nobbleston Nobblers and the Men from Dungleton. The giant, meanwhile, continues to recuperate from his mystery condition. He hasn’t been seen in training for nearly a month now, but he was seen grooving away at the Fandizzy Night Club by Andulus Houston, twin brother of our number 73, Ondulous Houston.

 

When Ondulous mentioned this to Coach he was met with a furious blast of words and his name was noticeably absent from the team sheet at the start of the Nobblers Game.

 

Week Seven

 

A great week. Giant is ‘approaching full fitness’ and rejoined the team for three of our training sessions this week. He was even strong enough to fling Ondulous Houston three quarters of the length of the pitch for ‘squealing on him’.  Though he’s still not match fit, his readiness to return lifted the team’s spirits and we enjoyed our second win of the season, against Kirkson Others, with yours truly winning the man of the match award and the Tonker Toys voucher that comes with it. It’s straight down the toyshop for me tomorrow morning.

 

Week Eight

 

Disaster. The giant slipped whilst trying out the roller skates I bought at Tonker Toys. He’s definitely injured this time, likely to be out for six to eight weeks and unlikely to be spotted at the discotheque. Coach says I’m to be banned from the toyshop for my part in the debacle.

 

The news shattered team morale and we were consequently humiliated by Royston Etiquettes. A third of the way through the season and our hopes of promotion are all but vanished. Indeed, avoiding relegation is now a serious concern.

 

Weeks Nine to Thirteen

 

Garbage, garbage, garbage. The team has forgotten how to play. Humiliated in all our games, even the Pollyton Pirates beat us hands down. We look a long, long way from the team we were at the start of the season.

 

Week Fourteen

The giant hobbled his way through ten minutes of training. Still, his magic touch seemed to work, for we manage to snatch a rare win, against Braithwaite’s Team.

 

Week Fifteen

A draw. Our first of the season, achieved thanks to yours truly, in the final minute of the game. No man of the match award for my heroics, however, the toyshop ban is being implemented with a rod of iron by Coach.

 

No sign of the giant, either at training or at the match.

 

Weeks Sixteen, Seventeen and Eighteen

 

After Ondulous Houston’s surprise sacking, soon after he raised the issue of the giant’s absence with Coach, the dressing room has carefully avoided the issue, though the team’s performance continues to reflect  the impact of his absence. We lost against the Morriston Meerkats and the Totteridge Tossers and even today’s match, against a Drumbridge side forced to play three boys from their under sixteen squad they were so riddled with injuries and illness, we contrived to give away a foul in the last minute of play and hand them the match.

 

Even worse news. After the match, hearing of our being outperformed by children, Tonker Toys have switched their sponsorship of the man of the match award to Drumbridge.

 

Week Nineteen

 

Coach has had a novel idea as to how to end our appalling run. Hypnosis. The entire squad were called into his office for a one-on-one session with the Great Hypnaldi. We joshed about it in the dressing room afterwards, but amazingly it seems to have made a difference. In today’s game, against top of the league Bragnazzzia, we won effortlessly. I ran like I had a rocket up my arse, I haven’t been that quick since before my hamstring injury eleven years ago, and I wasn’t alone in playing like I was ten years younger.

 

Perhaps we will still avoid relegation.

 

Weeks Twenty, Twenty-one and Twenty-two

 

We could actually avoid relegation. The hypnotherapy sessions continue to work, all the team’s bitterness and squabbles are forgotten. Literally. Not a man of us can remember why Ondulous Houston left. It shows what an insignificant row that must have been.

 

On the pitch we played with a new focus and determination. This week we won our fourth consecutive game, another tight, gritty battle against the Ottersley Otters that frankly we didn’t deserve to win. One more win out of the next two games and we’re safe.

 

Week Twenty-Three

 

The coach arrived at the ground today by helicopter. His own, private chopper.

 

Quite where he got the money nobody knows, there’s speculation that he must have sold one or more of our players, but frankly none of our team would fetch much on the transfer market at the moment.

 

Another oddity in the dressing room. Hercules found a number 46 shirt in one of the old lockers that’s the size of a tent. When we asked Coach about it he flew into a rage for no apparent reason and Hercules was told he wouldn’t be playing today.

 

The absence of Hercules left us exposed and we lost against the Dulux Paint Team. To make it worst, the Thundersley Thunderpants won their game, meaning we have to win our last game of the season to stay up.

 

Week Twenty-Four

 

Disaster. The Pickleston Poachers have a giant on their team!

 

Their new number 46. He is huge, about seven foot seven and build like a house, but he can’t half shift it, he’s the quickest runner I’ve ever seen, those long legs at full stretch mean he can cover the field in no time. He’s like playing against a team with three extra men in it – impossible to get past and just as hard to stop – it took six of us to tackle him.

 

We were slaughtered and are relegated for the first time in our history.

 

Still, we can hardly complain. Any side with a giant like that playing for them is going to win every game. The Poachers are pretty much guaranteed promotion next year and I look forward to seeing the giant playing in the big league.