The New Shopping Queen
Ted: "Jen, Andy, thanks both of you for volunteering to be the new Shopping Queen. It's a competitive process, so Ken's going to ask you a few questions to help us choose the best person for the role."
Ken: "Andy, I'll start with you. Why do you think you'd be the best Shopping Queen?"
Andy: "Well I'm a price-watch geek, I have an app that compares prices across every major food outlet, and Budgens, my work's Big Local Employer Shopping Discount card entitles me to 10% off all groceries, my student card entitles me to 12% off all domestic goods and cutlery, and by getting my hair cut a Giseppies' I'm entitled to 15% off all hair care products and 12% off bunion cream. I have loyalty cards with all the major food outlets, and Budgens. Overall I can guarantee you at least 11% off the cost of your shop."
Ted: "That's pretty impressive Andy. I'd be measuring up for that crown if I were you. Jen, can you beat that."
Jen: "Er yes, I can do better than that."
Ted: "How much better?"
Jen: "I'll get everything half price."
Andy: "What! How? You're just making it up. There's not any way you can get 50% off a shop, the store would be making a loss. Even Gareth Southgate only gets a 25% discount, and he's Gareth Southgate."
Ted: "Sounds to me like you're a bit jealous Andy. It's looking like Jen is our new Shopping Queen. Unless you can beat 50% off."
Andy: "Of course I can't beat 50% off. She's making it up just to get elected, nobody can get that much discount."
Ted: "So you're giving up? Jen can be the new Shopping Queen."
Andy: "I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll put everything on my credit card, so you'll pay nothing at all 'til the end of the month, the right side of payday. Then, by paying off my debts in good time, I'll help improve my credit rating, potentially lowering my mortgage payments, which, in the long term, could help to save me thousands of pounds."
Ken: "The long term view, Andy, very sensible. Most Shopping Queens don't think beyond the next week's grocery list."
Andy: "And of course I'll still get the 11% discount. Guaranteed."
Ted: "I have to say Andy, that the potential to save thousands in the long term is very attractive."
Ken: "And look, he's got a coupon for 10p off Lenor!"
Jen: "I'll get you everything for nothing!"
Jen: "For free. No charge."
Andy: "Oh for goodness sake, now she's being ridiculous. Shops don't just give you your shopping for nothing."
Ken: "To be fair, you were promising us thousands of pounds."
Andy: "Of potential savings, in the long-term, and I clearly described how I would achieve it through diligent credit management. I didn't just say 'I'll get you free things'."
Ken: "I say let's go for the free stuff."
Ted: "I agree. Jen, you are the new Shopping Queen."
Next scene, Jen is at the checkout till with a basket of shopping.
Shop assistant: "And a bottle of Lenor. That comes to 42 pounds and 63 new pence. Unless you have any vouchers?"
Jen: "No, I don't bother with vouchers."
Shop assistant: "Or loyalty card reward coupons."
Jen: "No, not worth the effort."
Shop assistant: "Student discount?"
Jen: "I never even went to school."
Shop assistant:"Groupon? Giseppies' hair tokens? You're not Gareth Southgate are you?"
Jen "No, No, no. I can't be bothered messing around with vouchers and discounts, just to save a few pence."
Shop assistant: "Right, that's £42.63 then. I don't think I've had a customer pay the full price before."
Jen: "Okay. Except, can I have it for free?"
Shop assistant: "What, the Lenor?"
Jen: No, not just the Lenor. Everything in the basket."
Shop assistant: "Of course you can't, we're a supermarket, not a food bank. You have to pay for things."
Jen: "Ah, right. I see. Just wait a moment, I need to talk to my people."
Jen leaves her shopping and walks over to Ted and Ken, who are waiting nearby.
Ted: "Did you get the free stuff?"
Jen: "Yes. Except it wasn't free. It comes to £42.63."
Andy: £42.63! I'd get that same shop for £37.89."
Ken: "We don't want it for "37.89. If we did we would've made you Queen. We want it for nothing. Now Jen, got back and get it for free."
Jen: "For free. Right. Let me try."
Jen walks back to the shop assistant.
Shop assistant:"Did you talk to your friends?"
Jen: "Yes I did."
Shop assistant: "And are you ready to pay? The full £42.63, as you don't bother with discounts."
Jen: "Yes. Except, could I have it for nothing?"
Shop assistant: "No, I told you, we're a shop, we don't give stuff away."
Jen: "What if I just walked out without paying?"
Shop assistant: "You wouldn't want me to involve the police would you?"
Jen: "Good god know, what does Sting have to do with this? Let me just confer with my colleagues just one more time."
Jen walks back over to Ted and Ken
Jen: "Well negotiations are going brilliantly."
Ken: "Did you get the free stuff?"
Jen: "No, they still want me to pay."
Jen: "No, the full £42.63."
Andy: "So in what way are negotiations going brilliantly?"
Jen: "Well we have a deal in place, which is more than you've achieved. Which means that all I have to do is negotiate a new deal, which is completely different from the current one."
"Andy: "I could lent you my vouchers if you want a discount?"
Ken: "We don't want your vouchers Andy. This is all your fault."
Andy: "My fault?"
Ken: "All this talk of negotiation 1% off here, 2% off there. We need to be clear, we want all the shopping for nothing. Don't let them walk all over us, they're being totally unreasonable. Jen, just tell them, clear and simple, we'll have all the shopping but won't pay anything for it. And if they question it just tell them you'd agreed it with me in advance."
Ted: "And me."
Jen: "Right, I want everything in the basket, no charge, as I'd previously agreed with my friends without consulting you about it. That's a simple, clear request, I don't see how they can refuse."
Jen's phone rings
Jen (on phone): "Hello. Yes, that's me. I'd love to. It'd be an honour. (pause) No, that sounds reasonable, of course they'll back down." (hangs up phone)
Jen (to Ken and Ted): "Sorry boys I've got to go, I've got a better offer. Andy, you can be Shopping Queen after all."
Ken: "A better offer?"
Jen: "That was Theresa May. She wants me to be the new Brexit Secretary. I have to run, negotiations are at a crucial stage."