The one and the other

The One and The Other had an obsession with black magic and tasked themselves with finding the ultimate dark spell, one to waken the dead.

The One and The Other are not, of course, their real names, but such is the nature of the magic they worked it is best that I refer to them only by these aliases. Even their gender and the exact nature of their relationship I leave unsaid, it is enough to know that they were inseparable, never one was seen without the other.

They avoided the society of other dark magicians and cults, instead seeking magic that had been lost and forgotten, sourcing antiquarian books and manuscripts. And they found such books with great ease, as if by magic, in every library or bookstore they entered they would somehow come across a long-forgotten secluded section, containing dusty, abandoned books, which they would peruse for ancient wisdom and spells. Many of the books were written in Latin, but both The One and the Other were fluent in the language, having studied it at GCSE.

They toured the country seeking out these hidden collections. In Oxford they fell upon their greatest treasure, a cupboard, in the cellar of one of the College libraries, locked and forgotten. In a few twists and turns of a hairpin they had it unlocked, and inside was a collection of manuscripts unseen for centuries, so old they pre-dated the printed word, handwritten by clerical scribes in Latin, mostly, a few in ancient Greek. Fortunately, the One had studied Greek at school and had taught the Other the basics.

The One and the Other set up their tent in an unobtrusive corner of Oxford woodland, and spent a summer reading through the forgotten texts.

The books were diverse in nature and in quality. They were plays, poems, histories, political tracts, biographies, and shopping lists, and a book describing in great detail the mechanics of dying wool a sort of greyish brown.

They read day and night for weeks upon weeks, encountering no magic, encountering nothing of consequence, but learning much of the life, dreams and theories of a long-forgotten world.

Against all odds, however, they struck gold. Buried deep inside a nameless book, hand-written in a scribbled mess in a mix of Latin and Greek, was a spell for raising the dead. Only it was more than a mere spell, it contained a prophecy.

The prophecy was within a text that began as a religious history, about how the gods had become obsolete and overshadowed by the one true god and his son. However, the passage went on, both god and his son had suddenly disappeared from the world and ceased to have any involvement in human events, just like the shepherd, Nimus, who having tended his flock dutifully every day for fifty years, suddenly abandoned them.

And so things are destined to continue, the manuscript said, for another two millennia, until such time as two magicians shall cast a spell to bring him back to life and return him to his flock.

The Other, who had been reading the book, called over The One over to check his or her translation.

“Well?” said the Other.

“It’s definitely about Jesus,” said The One, “Christianity is the only religion that has both a one true God and his son.”

“And the ‘two magicians’?”

The One re-read the passage, trying to contain his or her excitement. “It must mean us, two millennia later, that’s now. You know what this means, we’re destined to return Jesus to life. We’re going to be responsible for the second coming.”

The One and the Other read on, not caring that the library was due to close or that they hadn’t eaten. They spent the whole night pouring over the text.

The rest of the passage described the enchantment that the two magicians would employ to bring about the miraculous resurrection. The detail of the spell, however, long eluded them, as many of the curses used to summon spirits, and the long list of ingredients, used language that wasn’t included in the Latin and Greek GCSE lexicon.

They were not helped by the poor handwriting, and strange tendency for the text to switch language mid-sentence. However, they slowly waded through the text, using dictionaries and guesswork, until they had translated the spell in full.

The enchantment would take many months, or years, to achieve, however, as they had none of the 137 ingredients required (the reader will understand why I do not include the spell and its ingredients here, in case a less wise reader than yourself should be tempted to repeat it).

Many of the ingredients could be bought easily and cheaply in shops, on markets and via Amazon. The One said that they shouldn’t buy from Amazon, as they didn’t pay UK taxes, but The Other observed that when the prize of their work is the second coming of Jesus Christ, the tax status of their supplier was hardly relevant.

A few of the ingredients, however, remained elusive. They were rarer and consequently much more expensive to obtain. In order to purchase all the necessary ingredients to resurrect Christ, they would have to do something unheard of in the lives of either The One or of the Other. They would have to find paid employment. The One took a job waiting tables in a restaurant, The Other a job as Base Underling at Tesco.

It so happened that both The One and the Other proved highly competent workers and made the money required much more quickly than anticipated. The One earned vast sums in tips, in some cases customers left more money in gratuity than the actual cost of the meal. The Other rose through the ranks at Tesco at a startling pace, from Base Underling to General Underling to Treated As If Human, to Useful Servant, until finally reaching the dizzy heights of Non-Menial Status, all in under six months.

And so it was that The One and The Other raised the money for the last of the ingredients and were ready to cast the spell.

They chose to carry out the enchantment on Christmas Day. In part, it seemed fitting as it was Jesus’ birthday and, because of the trades they’d entered, it was also the only day they could both get off work.

So, on Christmas Day, The One and The Other rose early and began preparations for the great enchantment. They gathered the ingredients together into a large pot and heated them on gas mark 3 for approximately ten minutes. The kitchen filled with a strange aroma, which The One and The Other took as a sign that the potion was ready. They proceeded to repeat the chants and spells over the fumes emerging from the pot.

The spell completed, they stared at the pot, as if expecting Jesus to step out from it.

“I am here,” said a voice behind them and they spun round to see an elderly man, looking nothing like the Jesus they had seen in pictures, on stain-glass-windows and burnt onto holy toast. Even more strangely, the man was speaking a language they recognised as ancient Greek, although a strongly accented version of the language they struggled to understand.

The One, who had studied Greek, elected to speak. “Welcome oh Jesus, we are honoured that you have returned to us to save mankind a second time.”

The man stared at them for a long time saying nothing.

“Baa.”

The One continued. “What are your plans, Jesus, now that you have returned? Should we fetch kings, Presidents, holy leaders and tell them of your arrival? I could even get Theresa May if you wanted. Or Jeremy Corbyn.”

“Baa.”

The man finally spoke. “My name is Nemus,” he said, “not Jesus.”

“But it was foretold …”

“Baa.”

“Who keeps bleating?” asked The One.

“It’s the sheep,” said The Other.

"Sheep?"

“It’s my flock,” Nemus explained. “I abandoned them once upon a time, but I am back for them now.”

“I see,” said The One.

“I think I understand,” said The Other.

For so delighted had The One and The Other been at the revelation that they were destined to resurrect Jesus, they had read in the prophecy what they wanted to read, not what it actually said, i.e. that they would bring back to life an ancient shepherd and his flock.

Now, you may think that the shepherd would find modern life difficult, speaking as he did a long-forgotten tongue, but it so happened that his sheep were of an extinct variety whose wool was ideally suited to modern manufacturing techniques, and proved extremely valuable. The shepherd consequently thrived, as did his flock.

The One and The Other, meanwhile, gave up their quest for long-lost spells and focused instead upon the careers they had started, the restaurant and grocery trades. Where this would lead them is, of course, another story.