Pedigree

“Dave, what a surprise seeing you here.”  

It was JohnJohn. He sat down in the chair opposite without waiting for me to invite him. 

“Not really, John, I’ve been coming to this cafe every day for twenty years. Everyone knows to find me here.” 

“Yeah, that’s right. We used to meet in here back in the day. When we were planning a job.” 

“I’m finished with those days,” I reminded him. “After my last spell inside I let Maddock know I was going straight.” 

“I know that, Dave. I remember your saying.” 

“So then, why are you here?” 

“Me? I’m just here for a cup of fine China tea.” 

“You’ve not ordered tea.” 

“I’m taking my time, Dave. Letting it brew.  Besides, I was distracted by the sight of an old friend. So, I hear you’ve got a legitimate sideline. Cat sitting.” 

“It’s not a sideline it’s a full-time job. I took a course. I sit pedigree cats – you have to be qualified for that, you know, it’s all about nutrition, exercise, basic medical skills.  I'm looking after a cat that’s worth thousands.” 

JohnJohn grinned. 

“Really?” he said. 

“No. I’m not doing that.” I said. 

“Not doing what, Dave? I’ve not asked you to do anything.” 

“I’m not stealing one of the cats I’m sitting.” 

“What, like the Birman you’re sitting at the moment? Tomaz.” 

I gave him a hard stare.  

“I’m not stealing Tomaz,” I said. 

“We’re not asking you to, Dave. Are you mad. These cats are all chipped. The cops would find us in minutes.” 

“So why are you here? And don’t say the tea.” 

“Madock’s got a cat,” he said. 

“He wants me to sit for him?”   

“No, you misunderstand me Dave,” he said. “He wants to breed.” 

I said nothing for a while, taking in the implications. 

“What breed of cat does Maddock have?” I said. 

“A Birman, Dave.  Female.” 

“I see.  He wants to bring it round to the house I’m sitting.” 

“Oh dear, Dave. You really don’t get it, do you. Of course he doesn’t want to bring the cat round.  It’s a valuable cat, he’s not going to drive round town taking the cat on dates.” 

“So what ...” 

“He wants you to collect a vial of cat sperm.  Here ...” he placed a padded envelope on the table.  I gingerly opened the package and took out a small test-tube, emblazoned with the words ‘Kitty Sperm’. 

“Kitty Sperm,” I said.  “How am I supposed to fill this?” 

“I don’t really care, Dave, just get a sample. Show it some cat porn if you have to.” 

“Cat porn!” 

“I don’t know Dave, I’m just passing on orders.” 

“I’m retired. I don’t take orders.” 

“You never retire, Dave, you know that. And you were adamant that you didn’t want to steal the cat, well, this is the alternative.  Let me know when you’ve got the sample.  Keep it frozen until I can collect it.” 

“Frozen?” 

“Stick it in the freezer. You have a freezer Dave?” 

“I keep food in it. I don’t have a second freezer just for cat spunk.” 

“It’s in a vial, Dave, I’m not asking you to pour it on your peas.” 

JohnJohn left without ordering tea. I was left with a vile for cat sperm and the knowledge that I had no choice. Maddock didn’t make requests, he gave orders. 

I won’t gross you out with the details of how I collected the sample, it wasn’t just a matter of sitting the cat in front of the TV and watching cat porn. Frankly, I never want to revisit that particular memory. 

I was still only a few hours into my shift, so I put the sample in the family’s freezer, at the back, so they wouldn't be staring at the Kitty Sperm logo if they happened to return and open the freezer.  

It was lucky I did, as the cat’s owner, Mrs Orion, returned home unexpectedly.  At the time I was busy preparing Tomaz’s luncheon treat, a bowl of offal tastings, scrambled quals egg and shredded scallop.” 

“Oh hello,” she said. “How is Tomaz?”  

“Good,” I said. “He seems happy today.” 

“Has he done his exercises?” 

“We’ve had a form of exercise session, yes,” I said.  

I heard her rattling around in the freezer, but was afraid to stare too hard at her. I fed the cat, with a bowl of meet broth, terrified that at any moment I’d hear a shriek as Mrs Orion found the hidden vial. 

“Ah, look at him, he loves his food,” Mrs Orion  said. “He seems to be thriving under your care. I’ll see you later Tomaz,” she said, ruffling his head. 

“Are you off?” I said. 

“Yes, I’ve got what I came for.” 

After she left, I checked the freezer, the Kitty Sperm vile was where I had left it, at the back of the freezer.   

The rest of the day passed without incident, and I left the house with Tomaz’s vial.  I met with JohnJohn in the cafe, as arranged. 

“Any problems?” he said. 

“No,” I said, shutting the details from my mind. “It was all straightforward. I’ll spare you the details.” 

JohnJohn nodded. 

“So that’s it now,” I said. “I’m done with you and Maddock. I’m not going through that again.” 

“I’ll let you know Dave,” JohnJohn said, driving off. 

I carried on my life without incident. However, a few days later I went to the freezer for some frozen kidneys,  and was surprised to find a vial of Kitty Sperm, with the same smiling cat logo I recognised from my earlier encounter.  

Mrs Orion’s son was home at the time and saw me with the vial. 

“What’s this? “ I asked him. 

“Oh, a side project, mum’s breeding.” 

“You keep it in the freezer with food?” 

“Why not, it’s not as if we’re pouring it over the peas.” 

“So this is Tomaz’s ...” I left the sentence unfinished, as there are only so many things you might find in a vial of Kitty Sperm. 

“No, no nothing to do with Tomaz, she’s helping out a couple of friends with Russian Blues. Both perfect breeds. She’s playing a sort of cat cupid." 

“Right,” I said. “And how long’s she been doing this?” 

“Oh a couple of weeks now. There’s always a vial of Kitty Sperm in the freezer these.  She usually hides it at the back, can be a bit of shock when you see it for the first time.” 

I googled cat pregnancies.  Nine weeks it said. Which means if anything went wrong, it would be a couple of months before I found out. 

A couple of months later JohnJohn walked into the cafe while I was there. 

“You still coming here Dave, he said. I thought you’d be too busy wanking off random cats.” 

He sat opposite me. 

“Turns out the specimen you gave me wasn’t from another Birman, it was a Blue Russian.” 

“I can explain”, I said.  “I didn’t know, but the owners breeding Blue Russians. I must have picked up the wrong vial by mistake.” A horrible thought crossed my mind. “Do you need me to get another sample from Tomaz.” 

“Don’t worry,” he said. “He’s sold off the entire litter, people are going crazy for them. Blue Birmans he’s calling them. We’re gonna need more.” 

“More? But how?” 

“Find a way, Dave. Just find a way.”