5.15: The Wom Show – Barry Wom opens a hairdressers
6.00 – 7.00: Squirrels in the Wirral – In an attempt to make wildlife sound interesting by means of rhyme, Chris Packham visits the Wirral peninsular. (Next week: Yaks in Iraq).
7.00 - 8.00 Whitehouse and Mortimer go shitting – Paul Whitehouse and Bob Mortimer share amusing anecdotes and wry observations as they take a dump in adjoining toilet cubicles
8.00 – 9.00 Panorama: Are Ballet Shoes too tight – The Panorama team ignore the cost of living crisis, out of control inflation, record NHS waiting lists, collapsing schools and poo-polluted rivers and instead focus on the pressing issue of Matilda’s overly tight ballet shoes
9.00 - 10.00 Naked Question Time on Pogo Sticks – Fiona Bruce presents the BBC’s latest attempt to distract from the total fucking shitshow that is British politics today. With an all-nude panel of pogoists, including Anne Widicombe, Nigel Farage, Wes Streeting and Samantha Fox
6.00 - 6.30 Just buy a new one – Jed and Amelia discover that they could save £250 if they just buy a new kettle instead of taking it to the old geezer in the repair shop
6.30 - 7.00: 147, the faster ever- Steve Davies presents a celebration of Ronnie O’Sullivan’s record-breaking 5-minute 147, the faster ever, with an average of 7 balls pocketed every minute by the king of the baize.
7.00 - 8.00: 47, the fastest ever – Steve Davies presents a celebration of the 47 day Liz Truss government, where a record breaking £7 billion was pocketed by the rich friends of Truss and her cronies every minute
8.00 - 9.00: Title tbc – With a record number of TV channels and TV shows, Bradley Walsh investigates the problem of finding titles for all of them
9.00 – 9,05 Would I Lie to You – A party Political Broadcast by Sir Keir Starmer
9.05 - 11.00: My God’s better than your god – The Reverend Peter Principal and Rabbi Robbie Microbe shout at each other.
6.00 - 7.00: My Duck, Your Dad – Preston Homegrave is shocked to discover that what he thought was the family’s pet duck is really his father
7.00 - 8.00: On the Slab – Mortician Keith Hummingbird has to prepare the corpse of a local celebrity brutally mutilated in a robing accident
8.00 – 9.00 On the Slab Royal Special – A year on from the Queen’s death we revisit mortician Keith Hummingbird as he prepares the monarch’s corpse for a state funeral
9.00 – 10.00 On the Slab – A fatal coach crash means that mortician Iris Butteridge has to work flat out. But will new ‘apprentice mortician’ Ramesh Ramanathan be more of a help or a hindrance?
7.00 - 8.00 Goats, Goats, Goats – Steve discovers that his pet goat, Algeron, is actually a hamster
8.00 - 9.00 When Ducks Attack
10.00-11.00 My Burrito Wedding Dress - no preview available.
11.00 - 12.00: Goggle Watch – Porn Special. Members of the public are filmed watching 80s porn classic Debbie Does Dallas
6.00 - 7.00 Posh People buy Peterborough – With house prices collapsing due to high mortgage rates and the financial crisis, city banker Nigel and his horse-wife Tiffany discover that they can now afford to buy an entire city
7.00 - 8.00 Jamie Oliver’s Stick it in the Microwave
8.00 - 9.00 Dead Dates – Davina McColl wheels the corpses in the dating show for the dead. The Wolfgrade family from Derbyshire must choose a ‘date’ for their recently deceased father, as a death-long companion to share the exorbitant cost of a grave
9.00 - 10.00 Crime Number Assigners- Rookie cop Grace Underling takes over an hour to assign a crime number to a rape victim. With the budget under pressure and an hour of police time already lost on the case, boss Bill Trumpet makes the tough decision not to bother investigating the crime.
6.00 – 6.45 Me and My Shed – Sheryl Crow describes how she converted a former outside toilet into her ‘shed’ – a state of the art recording studio (R)
6.45- 7.30 Me and My Shed – Sue Perkins makes suggestive comments about her garden hose
7.30-8.15 Me and My Shed – Richard Osman explains that he is too tall to get into his shed
8.15-9.00 Me and My Shed – Sheryl Crow describes how she converted her recording studio/shed back into an outside toilet when her music career went tits up
9.00 - 10.00 Susan Calman Irons with – tonight Susan Calman irons shirts with socialite and TV personality Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
10.00 - 11.00 Pintwatch – Arthur asks Gary to watch his pint while he goes to the loo
Happy Island TV
6.00 - 7.00 Happy Island Sea Bass: the new tank – the sea bass move into a new tank
7.00 - 8.00 Happy Island Sea Bass: record ratings – The sea bass are delighted when a record number of viewers tune into the channel, but will the newfound fame go to Chucky’s head?
8.00 - 9.00 Happy Island Sea Bass: the new arrival– the unexpected arrival of a bream causes consternation amongst the loveable sea bass
9.00 - 10.00 Happy Island Sea Bass: Celebrity Bass Watch – It’s Michael Van Gerwen’s turn to watch the sea bass
10.00 - 11.00 Happy Island Sea Bass: Drum and Bass – Chucky decides to host a rave, but will the other bass approve
6.00 - 7.00 Leftie Transvestite Muslims are stealing my socks – Laurence Fox opens his sock drawer to find that seven of his socks are without their pair. Has he just ‘lost’ the other socks, or is there a more sinister explanation.
7.00 - 8.00 Global Annihilation – would it be such a bad thing? With climate change now almost certain to destroy human civilisation, Andrew Lloyd Webber asks whether that would be such a bad thing. With Piers Morgan, Nigel Farage and the four horsemen of the apocalypse
8.00 - 9.00 Jacob Rees Mogg Interviews Jacob Rees Mogg GB New journalist Jacob Rees Mogg holds government Minister Jacob Rees Mogg to account using state of the art interview techniques and an antique mirror
9.00 - 10.00 Are ducks real?
10.00 - 11.00 Fat, red-faced old man shouting a lot