The Ballad of Liz and James - 2

Have you ever heard that quote describing the UK and the US as “two
nations divided by a common language?” No? I wish I hadn’t either. I
could tell from her eyes she was about to call the police.

So there we were, The Girlfriend and I, in the Visitor Center on E
Fourth Street in Austin, Texas, because I’d had this bright idea. I’d been clearing
out the attic back in Oxford and I’d come across some old royal
commemorative coins, you know, births, deaths and marriages, that
sort of thing. The sort of tat that people buy intending to treasure
but which never become worth anything because everybody else bought
them as well. I was about to throw them out when I remembered how
Americans stayed up all night to watch Harry marry Megan, how they
would queue for hours for a tour of Buckingham Palace, how they loved
all the royal pomp and pageantry. (Colonials eh? Dontcha luv ‘em?)
But that was it! Of course! Next time I was visiting The Girlfriend
I’d pass these coins off to some unsuspecting yank and make a few
bucks! The Empire Strikes Back! That evening I watched back-to-back
episodes of “Pawn Stars”.

We’d been walking down E Fourth Street when I saw the Visitor
Center. I had the coins in my pocket so I dragged The Girlfriend
inside. I marched up to the desk where a slightly built elderly lady
smiled at me sweetly.

“Yes sir, how can I help you?”

“Good morning! Can you tell me where the nearest pawn shop is
please?”

I wasn’t expecting her response. The elderly lady stared at me
silently for a good ten seconds with her jaw just above the desktop.
She then turned to The Girlfriend with an expression that managed to
say “WTF?”, “What’s wrong with him?” and “Why are you
with him?” all at the same time. The Girlfriend came to my rescue.

“He means PAWN not PORN! He’s looking for a PAWN SHOP not a PORN
SHOP!” Then “He’s English” as if that explained everything.

I’m not making this up. I swear to you that in England pawn and
porn are pronounced identically. Don’t believe me? Look in a
phonetic dictionary like I had to do to convince The Girlfriend.
Since that episode The Girlfriend has taken it upon herself to give
me regular lessons in Texan elocution.

“Say PAWN!”

“Pawn.”

“Good. Now say PORN!”

“Porn.”

I play along, but to be honest I’m saying the same word each time.
When The Girlfriend says “pawn” and “porn” I can’t even
hear the difference, so how am I ever going to be able to say the
difference. And here’s a helpful tip to my American friends. If
ever you find yourself in the UK don’t ever under any circumstances
compliment a woman on her “fanny pack”. Just don’t. Don’t
ask, just don’t. I’ve warned you.

James