Irrational Fear

It had been the source of what was in essence their first "spat."
Tanya felt that Joe was unreasonable in his expectations that she call
him when she got home late from work. He was, after all, 2500 miles
away and it wasn't like he could do anything for her if she had gotten
stranded. It made more sense, to her, to call her estranged husband;
the man who was divorcing her; who was watching their daughter while
she worked late. When she was about to lose cell-service for the last
few miles of the drive deep into the "sticks", she would let them
know... especially during a severe winter storm like this one... so if
she didn't make it home within half an hour, the search would
begin.

Joe felt it was lunacy to depend on the one that was seeking his
freedom from her to be her would-be savior. He felt it was his place,
and it bristled him no end that he was powerless to do anything... even
though it was highly unlikely that anything would ever need to be
done...

"Joe," she had protested, "I've driven these roads... IN the snow...
since I was 16 years old. That's over half my life and I've only run
into a ditch once!"

"Once is all it takes, Baby," he had argued, "and that's why I
worry..."

"Don't," she had demanded, "I know you care, but I can't worry about
you... when your truck skids in the rain..."

"Apples and oranges," he had countered, "Because if I wreck here in the
Deep South, I will not risk dying from exposure..."

*****

The disagreement had gone on, coming full circle, on two separate
evenings. It had started because of Joe's mixture of that helpless
feeling and being a little jealous that the ex-husband would have the
chance to be the hero should it arise. But the worst part was that
Joe's grasp of the darker side of human nature seemed to be lost on
Tanya. He could see the risk factor of placing your life in the hands
of one who could gain by your death.

In their divorce proceedings, as in many, there were property issues
and child custody issues to be ironed out. Both Tanya and Dave, her
soon-to-be-ex had certain things they wanted out of the settlement.
They could not both have what they wanted. Joe realized that while Dave
might not be a bad guy... or might be a bad guy who didn't have the
balls for murder... he might not pass up a golden opportunity... Joe
prayed that one would never arise, that Tanya would be as good a driver
as she had always been... until he could be there, should she need
him.

*****

"I have a greater interest in you staying alive than anybody else
does," Joe had argued.

"Whatever is going to happen will," she had retorted.

"That's bullshit!" he had shouted, "There has got to be somebody else
who you can call..."

"I'm not dragging somebody else out in the middle of the night when
Dave is at the house already."

The disagreement was going nowhere fast.

Joe had been agitated that while Dave had been aware of her safe return
home that Saturday night he himself had not gotten phone call or
email... until he finally reached her late the next evening. She had
been incensed that he felt like he should expect a call; that she was
not going to be trapped or stalked into communication. His reply was
that if she couldn't satisfy this basic need; he would expedite his
move to her side of the country so he could find out whenever he needed
to... regardless of whether she liked it or if it made financial
sense...

Finally, after several tense hours they agreed that he should try to
keep a more positive outlook... that no news is good news... and that
she should try to at least drop an email saying she made it home on her
late nights out...

Adding to the problems for Joe was the other things that come with such
weather... namely power outages... Tanya would not be able to call or
write with no power or phone. The crux of her problem was that her cell
phone would not work at home... or for those last miles... hence her
need to let someone know when she started up that "god-forsaken
hill."

The area in which she lived was one of the worst in the country for
winter storms. Thus, she was experienced but also continually facing
damn near blizzard conditions. It was nothing to drive in near whiteout
with winds blowing across the highway at over 50 mph. Add to that the
icy roads and the wild animals that tended to bound across the highway
without warning... and Tanya was forced to admit that she found the
drive to be quite stressful... so much so that she had done nothing but
go to bed on the night in question... after navigating the stormy ride
home...

*****

Their love continued to grow. Joe was able to keep his irrational fears
in subjection and Tanya managed to find the energy to let him know she
was safe. Usually they talked far more than just that... After their
phone conversations, they would both sleep and they were convinced that
there was a sweet communing of their spirits in the darkness of the
night... some nights he went to her, others nights she to him...
Frequent flier miles were being racked up in the spirit realm...

The fateful time was nearing that the divorce would be finalized. The
judge was going to rule on all the issues that they could not agree on.
Namely, who got to raise their daughter and who got to keep and live in
their house. It wasn't like it was a paid for property, but it was land
that had been in his family for years... and a house that they had
because of her ability to scrape and to make something out of
nothing...

During the week there was always an air of tension between Tanya and
Dave... if they had any communication at all... but then on weekends,
he'd be there at the house they both wanted... watching their daughter,
who they also both wanted. It only served to remind him of his dreams
and his own comfort levels. He resented her trying to take the only
things he cared about.

Dave had not seriously considered anything drastic, but he had
certainly pondered "what if" something were to happen to Tanya... how
much easier things would be for him...

*****

The National Weather Service had predicted an additional four inches of
snow on that night... and temperatures in the low 20's with winds from
the south in the mid-40's... The roads were very icy in patches already
and the falling snow and low visibility only made things worse. As she
neared the bluff where she would lose her cellular service, Tanya
prepared to hang up from her conversation with Joe so she could make
that hated call to Dave.

"I have to go," Tanya said, "but I will let you know I'm ok... as soon
as I can..."

"Thanks," Joe had replied, "I love you..."

"I love you too," she answered. It always made his heart leap and his
soul tingle... just the way she said those words...

"Be careful. Don't take any chances," Joe said, "Talk to you in a
while."

"OK," she stated, "See you..."

And the phone clicked and the connection was broken. Joe sat for a
moment, staring at the phone in his hand. He knew he was helpless now.
By the time he could redial the number, if he chose to, she'd have said
her quick piece to Dave and started the most treacherous part of her
night's journey. So Joe lightly kissed the mouthpiece of the
phone...

"I love you Tanya," he said. He could have sworn he heard her sweet
reply...

*****

The clouds obliterated all the moonlight; the whiteout became virtually
a blackout. Headlights were damn near useless and Tanya was navigating
the road as much by feel as by sight. She'd driven this same patch of
asphalt for nearly 20 years... she could probably do it with her eyes
closed. That would not be much different from the situation she was in,
unless she waited for the spring to thaw the ice and melt the
snow...

Tanya had long since pulled herself from her coat... the heat roared in
this car... and the sounds of Bob Seger rocked from her speakers. It
was "That Old Time Rock &; Roll" that helped to keep her sane on
this insane drive.

Suddenly a group of deer bolted across the road. It was not an uncommon
thing to happen and Tanya lightly tapped her brakes. To hit the brakes
hard would have put her into a skid and possibly a spin. Better to hit
the damned deer than to lose control of her car...

Regrettably it was Bambi who skidded... running at full bore into the
right front bumper of Tanya's vehicle. Whatever had spooked the herd
was irrelevant. The large patch of ice was. Hitting it with the car
slightly askew, the tires could no longer grip the cold pavement. The
car began to fishtail and Tanya wrestled with the wheel... almost
righting the slide... and then over-compensating.

Her car barreled into a snowdrift... slamming into it with a
bone-jarring thud. As the car buried itself, a fence post blasted
through the windshield on the passenger's side of the car. The frigid
winter's air made short work of the car's accumulated heat and old man
winter invaded Tanya's oasis of warmth.

For her part, Tanya was unaware of the cold. She had failed to put her
seatbelt all the way back on after pulling her jacket off... her lap
belt held her in place but her shoulder had been wriggled free of the
chest restraint. When the airbag had deployed, she was not in the
proper position and the force of the accident and the exploding air bag
and slammed Tanya's head against the driver's window with such force
the window had cracked and now resembled a spider's web. The blow had
knocked her cold... frigidly so as she slumped unconscious in the
blizzard fed snowdrift...

*****

Joe could feel it. He knew the feeling the moment it hit him... he'd
almost forgotten the magnitude of it. There had been times with Lyla
that he had "known" something was wrong. It had been so long... had he
but remembered that feeling before, he'd have not been so "irrational"
in his earlier fear... He sat and gripped the phone... he had to know
but he was sworn to not call when Dave might be there... It was alright
for Dave to be sleeping with the town slut, but if it appeared that
Tanya might have somebody else, things got ugly...

So Joe did all he could do at that moment. He prayed... more to the
spirits than to God... because he knew that his spirit was in such an
incredible place with Tanya... he hoped beyond hope that he could
"feel" her...

*****

"Dad," Mandy had nudged Dave, who had fallen asleep on the couch.

"Huh?" he had said, "I'm awake..."

"Dad," she continued, "It's been forty minutes... Mom should have been
here in twenty..."

"OK," he smiled, "I'll go look for her."

"I'll come with you," Mandy had started to put on her coat.

"No Baby girl," he said, "you need to be here in case she shows up...
I'll run up and down the road and look for her and if I don't find her,
I'll come back..."

"OK," Mandy smiled nervously, "Daddy... do you think she's OK?"

"I'm sure she is," Dave winked at her, "Her car runs good and she's got
a full tank of gas and good tires... and she's a good driver..."

*****

Dave put on his boots and his heaviest coat and gloves to protect
against the cold. He sloshed thorough the snow to his pick-up truck,
started the engine, lit a cigarette, and idled the truck out of the
driveway...

Steering his truck slowly down the deserted road, he drove and peered
back and forth across the highway. If she'd run off the road she'd be
hard to spot; her car was as white as the snow. But if he knew her,
she'd be standing beside it; probably kicking the shit out of it, and
he could take her back home and get the car later.

It was so small he almost missed it. The glow of the vehicle's tail
lamps shining through the snowdrift that had already piled up against
the back end of the stranded vehicle. Dave eased past the vehicle and
put on his emergency flashers as he glided the pick-up as far to the
edge of the road as he could...

He set the parking brake, turned the collar of his coat back up, and
climbed from the vehicle. The wind immediately cut through him. He
realized that in this weather even Tanya wouldn't stand around kicking
the car. She was probably sitting inside, muttering about the car and
the snow... and even how long it took him to get here... He forced his
way through the snow to the drivers' door of the car and he shone his
flashlight through the window...

*****

The phone was useless... he had promised to be calm... to treat no news
as good news... even though he knew how futile that was in this
instance. God damn it, why had he not already come out there? He should
be there... if not to be the one she called, to follow her from a
distance when she made that drive...

Of course, he knew how she would react to him following her... and
rightly so... but still, he'd feel a hell of a lot better knowing she
was OK...

As he pondered these things, Joe found a strange exhaustion settle on
him. He could not keep his eyes open... this was another thing he
remembered from certain episodes with Lyla... being just too tired and
weak to do anything that he thought he should be doing...

So, with the phone in one hand and Tanya's picture in the other, he
fell fast asleep snug and warm on his bed...

"I love you Baby," he heard himself muttering. It was not uncommon for
him to talk in his sleep... or in his semi-sleep... to her...

*****

The beam from Dave's flashlight penetrated into the car. Tanya sat
behind the wheel of the car, slumped against the cracked window. A
slight trickle of blood had caked itself in her short blonde hair and
was drying on the window as well... Inside the car snow was piling up
through the broken windshield... and Tanya was shivering in her
unconscious state... and turning blue...

"Damn girl," Dave said, "We need to get you out of here before you
die..."

At the moment he said it, the possibility hit him. This was the perfect
chance... Opportunity was pounding on his front door. All he had to do
was to walk away and say he didn't find her. The snow would completely
cover the car shortly and Tanya would probably be dead from exposure
inside of half an hour. The piling snow would hide any evidence that he
had been there...

The cowboy pondered her helplessness. It wasn't the noble thing to do;
even if they couldn't get along he could never hurt her... it wasn't in
his nature... But was this hurting her? Wasn't this just taking an
opportunity? To simply deny that he had found her? It was really no
different than if Mandy had fallen asleep and not woke him up...

And so, one man's irrational fear became another's irrational plan...
and to help insure that this hasty plan worked out, Dave looked once
more up and down the empty road... and then tapped the shattered window
with the handle of his flashlight until the webbed glass fell into
tiny, safety rounded pieces inside the car... He could see the rise and
fall of his wife's breasts and the vapor of her breath as she breathed
in and out... Reason wrestled within him... the need to do the right
thing versus this golden opportunity to secure his daughter and his
ancestral property... and he reached inside the car, lightly brushed
Tanya's face with his gloved hand... and then turned off the switch
that had kept the car's tail-lights on...

"Goodbye old girl," he said as he turned and headed back for the warmth
of his truck... and to drive home to his daughter and break the news to
her that he hadn't found her mother...

*****

Time and space have no meaning to the spirit realm. The astral selves
of Joe and Tanya made romance and love so much during the night that it
was no surprise that their physical selves each seemed to only sleep
halfway... and had such an incredible closeness... because despite the
miles, they spent every night together... in a sense...

But tonight was different. There was no frolic... no embracing... no
magnificent love. There was sorrow. Tanya was going to die this
night... and her spirit and that of the man who she loved so
desperately stood and watched... helpless to do anything to prevent
it.

Like the physical realm, laws bind the spirit realm. The spirits are
allowed to commune and to guide their fleshly selves... but they were
not afforded the right to interfere on their own in the lives of their
counterparts... or their loved ones...

Tanya's body was nearing the point of death... her breathing was
becoming more labored. The astral form of Tanya clung to her
counterpart and wept... Fate had brought them together... both the
physical and the astral beings knew that... their love and their
passion was too dynamic... and to have it end like this...

"I love you," the astral Joe whispered...

*****

"I love you," the physical Joe whispered...

*****

"Everything is going to be fine," the astral Joe said as he brushed the
"hair" from his lover's face...

*****

"Everything is going to be fine," the physical Joe whispered as he
found himself rubbing the bed next to him... as if to perhaps brush
Tanya's hair from her face...

*****

Though it was forbidden, the astral form of Tanya's lover chose to act.
He knew full well that Tanya was not supposed to die this night... the
sheer fact that Dave had found her... that every facet of the car had
stopped at the point of impact except for those glowing tail-lamps
shouted at fate's decision that Tanya should live...

Though it was the greatest of strains; Joe's spirit willed himself to
become tangible... to gain solidity enough to interact with the
physical... it was not something he could do well... or for long... but
he knew that there were two things he needed to do...

Defying the laws of both nature and the spirit realm, he breathed a
holy and pure warmth onto Tanya's prone form. The blue began to fade
from her face and her shivering slowed as Joe's semi-solid mouth
pressed tightly against hers... forcing her lips apart as he breathed
from the dimension of dreams into her physical being...

"I will not let you die," Joe said to both incarnations of
Tanya...

Then as his hands began to solidify, Joe turned the switch back on...
and the tail lamps again glowed dimly beneath the snow. It was not much
of a sign, but it was restoring order to what Fate had planned...

Joe's next order of business was to reach across Tanya and pull the
sweatshirt that she had tossed on the seat to him... it was one
promoting a landmark from his hometown that Joe had sent her... She had
worn it earlier and had gotten too warm in it and had removed it. Joe
slowly and painfully moved to pull the shirt over Tanya's head and onto
her body and arms...

*****

"You're all right baby," the physical Joe muttered in his sleep,
"You're going to be all right..."

*****

"You're all right baby," the spirit man said to both women... "You're
going to be all right..."

And as he finished those words, both he and "Tanya" saw the headlights
coming up the road...

*****

(A short time before...)

"I have to go," Tanya said, "but I will let you know I'm ok... as soon
as I can..."

"Thanks," Joe had replied, "I love you..."

"I love you too," she answered. It always made his heart leap and his
soul tingle... just the way she said those words...

"Be careful. Don't take any chances," Joe said, "Talk to you in a
while."

"OK," she stated, "See you..."

And the phone clicked and the connection was broken...

Slowing her cars momentum to a crawl, Tonya punched the numbers into
the phone...

"Hello," Mandy had answered.

"Hey sweetie," Tanya had replied, "I'm about to start up the hill...
give me 20 minutes or so and I'll be home..."

"OK," Mandy had said, "Be careful. Don't take any chances."

As Tanya terminated that call... her mind was reeling. Joe was always
saying stuff like that, but her daughter? No way was that normal for
Mandy...

"All right Joe," she smiled as she pressed another set of numbers,
"We'll play it your way tonight..."

*****

Eric Seals drove slowly up the road, peering through the slight
snowfall looking for any sign of his sister's car. It was very strange
that Tanya should call him and ask for anything; she had always been
very independent. He knew in his heart that tonight was special...
something was different... and when he had called her house just after
Dave left... and found that she had not made it... Eric had thrown on
his clothes and driven as fast as he dared to this lonely stretch of
highway...

Still, it was going to take a miracle for Eric to spot the car. White
on white, and the wind had all but obscured the dimly lit taillights
with a large snowdrift...

Across the road, the herd of deer had reassembled. The one that had
originally slammed into Tanya's car thrashed wildly on the ground
still... trying gamely to stand on a shattered leg... it let out a
painful sound each time it slipped and fell again...

The cougar made a charge at the injured animal as Eric's truck drew
near. The rest of the herd bolted and ran out directly in front of
Tanya's brother's truck. He slammed on the brakes; his speed slow
enough to allow him to control his vehicle. The deer darted across the
road and one of them slammed into something... Eric watched in awe as a
snowdrift dropped low from the impact to expose a pair of dimly lit
taillights...

Climbing from his vehicle, he hurried across the street... A short
distance from him the cougar had ripped the throat of the injured deer
and was dragging its carcass away, leaving a trail of dark blood across
the pure-white of the snow...

Leaning down inside her car, he saw that Tanya was breathing... and
seemed to be quite warm despite being out cold in a car filling with
snow... When Eric unbuckled her seatbelt and began to drag her from the
car, her eyes opened slightly.

"Joe," she muttered, "is that you?"

*****

2500 miles away, Joe bolted upright in bed. An overwhelming sense of
peace settled on him. He knew Tanya was OK... he sat on the edge of his
bed and wept tears of relief... knowing that this peace was as
irrational as the fear had been...

Joe shook his head to clear the cobwebs... and to try to make sense of
the situation he found himself in. He felt an incredible need to see
his beloved... face to face...

*****

"Did you see him Eric?" Tanya muttered. Her brother steered the truck
back the way he had come. He was taking Tanya to the hospital to be
checked out. He could not believe she had not frozen to death... but
she appeared to be none the worse for wear save for what he felt was a
possible concussion...

"No," Eric answered, "Mandy said her Dad got back home and hadn't found
you... and went back out to look some more..."

"No, not Dave," Tanya slurred, "Joe... did you see Joe?"

"Joe who... who are you talking about?

"The man I love," Tanya mumbled as she began to drift to sleep
again...

"No you don't," Eric said as he patted he cheek, "No sleep; not until
we get you checked out..."

*****

The phone startled Joe when it rang. It was Chaundra, the girl who was
Tanya's best friend and was one of the very few who knew that there was
such an incredible relationship taking place so far across the
country...

"Joe," she said, "You need to get out here."

"I'm at the airport already," Joe told her, "and my flight leaves in
less than an hour..."

"Tanya's brother thinks it's a miracle that she's alive."

"Tanya's pretty much a miracle herself... tell her I'll be there later
today..."

*****

Joe entered the hospital room with Chaundra. Nobody thought a lot about
it when Tanya asked her parents and Dave to leave her for a few
minutes. Tanya's mother eyed Chaundra and Joe as she went by. Dave
didn't make eye contact with anybody. Inside his chest, Joe's spirit
self-wanted to pound Dave for what he had tried to allow. But he could
tell by the look in the man's eyes that Tanya's soon-to-be-ex would
carry the guilt of what he had tried to do with him... like a cancer
eating at his very soul... for the rest of his life...

As the room became empty save for the three, Joe leaned over Tanya's
bed and kissed her lightly on the mouth...

"Just like last night," Tanya said as the kiss ended...

"What?" Chaundra asked.

"Joe was there last night... I saw him..." Tanya said...

"Tanya, he just flew in."

"He was there... he kept me safe... warmed me up.."

"I'm always with you... and you with me Baby," Joe smiled as he brushed
Tanya's hair from her face...

"I know..." she replied, "And sometimes more tangible than
others..."

"True," Joe smiled as he held her hand, "and last night those dreams
seemed so incredibly real."

"Yeah," Tanya said, "and you know I did what you asked..."

"I do," Joe answered, "and I'm glad."

"Can you believe I saw you?" Tanya smiled weakly as she sat up in the
bed.

"Baby, I can believe anything," Joe replied as he looked deep into his
lover's gorgeous eyes, "Because I woke up in bed in Florida... with my
clothes covered in snow..."

(End)

? 2002 Paul Mellette