Grace Part Fifteen.
Soon after we got married and unable to consummate our marriage, I sat my new Husband down to tell him that I’d been abused as a child. He was shocked to say the least! I watched as his face changed from happy to sad to anger! Paul said, “Who is he?!” I was very scared to say, for I didn’t know how he’d react, or what he’d do. So I said, “You don’t know him,” The Minister who married us came to our home, with his Wife, for I still hadn’t said who my abuser was, I was terrified what would happen if I did, I felt like a caged animal. The Minister said, “He shouldn’t be protected, his acts should be brought to light.” I still hesitated, as the three of them sat there looking at me. Then with gentle persuasion, I told them it was my Uncle! He’d been at our wedding and made our wedding cake!
So, now he was coming to our home, on his own over a year after our wedding day! We were both angry for all the troubles his abuse had caused. I wasn’t sure what to expect, would I shout at him in pent up rage? Would I hit him? Would I tell him again what his filthy actions had done to me? And to Paul? What would Paul do? God only knows!
His kids, some who still lived at home, my Cousins, had asked him, I’d heard later from my Mum, wanted to know, “Why are you going to Grace’ home alone all that way on the bus?” But he didn’t tell them why?
Paul and I was waiting at the bus stop, well before he arrived. Then his bus pulled up, he got off a pathetic, looking figure. We said to him, “Hi,” then we proceeded to walk the twenty minutes to our home with him walking slowly behind us with his walking stick. We didn’t say another word to him, all the way there.
At home, Paul and I sat on the sofa and opposite us was a lone chair for him to sit on. His face didn’t give anything away, neither did ours. But then he said, “I have to get back for 8 o’clock, to take my tablets,” I said to him sternly, “We’re not here for you! We’re here for me!” I said, “How old was I when you first abused me?” He replied, “I don’t know, I can’t remember.” I said, “You DO know! And repeated, the question, but his reply was the same, then I said to Paul sitting next to me, “What do you think?” Looking straight at him, Paul said, “You DO know! You would know if Grace was this height or this height!” Showing like a two year old or a four year old.” He still said he, “Didn’t know.” So, that question was unanswered.
I then asked him, “Have you ever put an object inside my vagina?” He looked disgusted! And said, “No, I’d never do that, do you believe me?” I said, “I DON’T believe you!” Again he denied he had. There was actually a third question Martyn had asked me to ask him, but as I am writing all this from total memory, I just can’t remember what the third question was. Sad to say, all three questions were still unanswered!!!!
I sounded angry when I spoke to him, but to my horror I wasn’t! I’d waited a long time for revenge and here was my opportunity, but revenge was far from my mind, I simply wanted answers, he denied me that, I simply wanted to enjoy my Husband, he’d denied me that too, I simply wanted children, he’d denied me that. I wanted to be happy and not spend all my precious days off at one of the three counsellors. I wanted my private life to be that private, but it wasn’t. It did seem SO unfair. This Person had robbed me of so much. And he didn’t have the balls to own up!
Then there was a short silence as we just looked at him, he looked at us, I suppose fearful, I wanted SO much to hate him, for all of the hurt he’d caused me. He’d lived his life to the fullest, having many children and loved, respected by all who knew him. An upstanding member of the Community! Paul and I had recently learnt Makaton a basic form of sign language, so without saying a word Paul signed to me, “Shall we stop now?” I replied back to Paul in sign, “Yes, enough now, finish.” So, looking back at Uncle, I said, “We have finished all our questions now, would you like a cup of tea?” In a flash he fell onto his knees, from the chair and held on to both of us as we were still sat on the sofa opposite him, he cried and cried and asked us to, “Forgive me, I’m SO sorry.” Like one heartbeat, we both told him to, “Get up off the floor,” We helped him up, for he’s an old man, I said to him, “Everything is OK, have a cup of tea and go home.” I didn’t feel hate for him or anger, all that time he was with us, which did annoy me! The atmosphere, had completely changed in the room. He drank his cup of tea and we got him a taxi home.
My Mum told me later, he’d told his Wife (her Sister), before he’d left to come to ours, “I think they are going to kill me,” And he meant it!
After he’d gone, we tried and nothing happened. Because of him, I’d battled with love, hate and forgiveness. Had I really forgiven him? For I thought, If I had, we’d be able to consummate our marriage. The people over the months had, who now knew, had said, “You need to, “Forgive and forget.” What so they know! I’d say to a few, “So, If I forgive and FORGET do I allow him to baby sit my girl child?” Their silly answer was as silly as their advice to me, to forgive and forget, “No you can’t allow him to baby sit your girl child.” Then I’d reply, “So how can I forgive AND forget?” Sometimes I’d be SO angry, I’d think it was worth hating his guts and go to hell! But I didn’t want to go to hell, I wanted to go to Heaven. I know God knows all hearts, and minds, the real us, and later on a wise Person, said to me, “Forgiveness is a process, it takes time, it can’t always be done in one day, you will have good days and bad days, you do your part, and when you feel angry or hurt, try and forgive, for you still and always will belong to God. He knows all things. He loves you.” That made SO much sense to me, instead of all the wishy-washy, clichés.