Grace Part Ten.
Paul decided as I clearly wasn't relaxed, that he would give me a nice back massage. I had never had a massage in my life, it just didn't appeal to me. We went to a beautiful shop I would describe it as a New Age shop. Paul asked the Assistant, “Which oils would you recommend for relaxation?” He bought all suggested and more. We already had candles and incense. So, that evening when it was still nice and early the single bed mattress was bought down from the spare room and covered beautifully, the curtains were closed, the weather was still hot, low relaxing music was on in the background. I tried to relax my mind and body and I did feel relaxed as everything was lovely and unhurried. Then while we were still downstairs, we tried but nothing happened.
Undeterred, Paul suggested the following evening I should try lager, that if I drank a whole glass that would definitely relax me enough for us to succeed. He’d bought a can of four, I'd never been drunk in my whole life! This did trouble and saddened me, that it had come to this, this wasn't how I fantasized married life to be!
The following evening we went back upstairs and I drank the horrible tasting substance, it was disgusting, but it was for a good cause. I quickly began to feel light headed and not myself I felt not like me, but strange. I was not relaxed at all! Then suddenly to my horror Paul ran out the room crying! I was very drunk and tried to get off the bed to follow him, I managed to get off the bed and with great difficulty I went to the top of the stairs, I knew I'd not be able to get down the stairs without falling down the long flight of stairs, so, holding on as tight as I could I went back into bed and cried! How I hated myself. I wished I was somebody else, poor Paul.
The next day Paul explained why he'd left the bedroom distraught, he said, “When I was at university, I had an argument with one of the Students there, she said, ‘All men are capable of rape!’ I'd told her I disagreed with her that I'd never rape, yet last night I felt that I was trying to rape you!” I just felt wretched. And sadly all too soon it was time to go back to work! I had to put a ‘mask’ on and smile. Everyone at work and my place of Worship said, “You look wonderful, simply glowing,” How wrong they all were. At work I had to still be the funny me, it was hard to do that or I'd burst into tears and tell all, at first it was difficult, but I just got into work mode.
Then still a virgin, month or so after we got married, we went to the doctors, we told him what had happened, or rather what had not happened, he looked at me and said sternly and said, “Now come on, you need to stop this nonsense, you need to get on with it, do you want your Husband to leave you!!!?” I then looked at the floor, in shame and real fear, and bit on my bottom lip, I held everything in until I got home not saying a word, I went upstairs and knelt by our bed and cried my eyes out! I’d never cried SO much in my life! Paul quickly came upstairs, and knelt beside me, putting both his arms around me he said, “I'll never leave you, he had no right to say such cruel words!” He stayed with me a while then he went downstairs, I stayed on my knees a bit longer and prayed for God's help.
Nothing changed so we went back to the doctor, a different one this time, a female doctor, for Paul had said, “Lets ask for a low dose of diazepam,” This troubled me, one cause I'd never taken such medication and two to take medication daily when I wasn't sick! That can’t be good for me. But needs, must. The doctor was happy to give me 2mg, one for the morning and the same amount at night, but it did nothing. I felt like I was losing all hope and faith. We both still prayed that all would soon turn out well for us.
I remember one night I had an awful dream, it was about my beautiful mini Princess Diana ring, which meant so much to me and my special wedding band, it had looked normal, but when I touched it, it disintegrated like ash! It made me think my marriage was a sham, that I was worthless and that it wouldn't last! I told Paul my dream and he said, “When this is all over, I will put a small plaque up somewhere in the house, for how many days it took, no one else will know what the numbers mean, just us will know its meaning.”
One of my unmanned, virgin friends asked me one day when we'd met up for lunch, “So, what's sex like?” Her question had taken me of guard, but I still managed to say, “It was a bit painful at first, but it’s OK now.” I did feel bad lying to her, but what else could I say? She didn't delve further and we talked of other things.
About six months after we'd got married, we went back to the first doctor, as nothing had changed, we wanted some advice, he said, “You have Vaginismus!” Finally it was good to have a name, for I'd felt I was alone in the World with this and that no one had ever experienced anything like this before, he went on to briefly explain some of the causes. he said, “I will refer you to a counsellor, her name is Cheryl.”
When it was our next day of together we went on the train to the City, they have a massive library there, we searched and there was only one book on the subject, it was well worn, it seemed many had used it before us. This book was a Godsend! It was in parts reading about my life after I’d got married. Our problems were not solved but it was a step in the right direction.
In the book it mentions a Psycho Sex Therapist, so, we rang him up and asked him, “Can I come and have counselling from you?” He replied, “Come over and have a chat first and I will see if I am suitable for your needs.” As we both worked full time, we chose a day when we were both off and went to his beautiful home. After chatting with us, he agreed and said, “I can provide you with counselling.” I said, “Is there hope, will we be able to consummate our marriage?” Martyn replied, “Yes there is hope, you will consummate your marriage.” Paul asked Martyn, “Have you had other couples like us who went on to have a fulfilled sex life?” Again Martyn replied, “Yes, and more serious than yourselves, for they came to me after many many years, then they had success.” I thought I wouldn't be able to cope with many years of this! He certainly filled us with hope, his fee was £20 an hour, we booked my first session before we left.
Our plight and fight was far from over, did we have enough fight left in us, would our marriage stand the test of time?