Time Gentlemen!

 
What do you call a widower remarrying?
The triumph of hope over experience.
 
The institution of holy monotony.
 
When does a man stop wanking?
When his wife leaves him.
 
Elizabeth Taylor– “How many husbands have you had?
“You mean apart from my own?”
 
Mae West– “A hard man is good to find.”
 
What is Napoleon holding under his jacket?
 
“Did you ever smoke?
“No.
“I'm your man.”
 
“And the ear plugs and cotton wool stuffed up your nose grampa?”
“If there's one thing I hate more than the sound
of a woman screaming it's the smell of burning rubber.”
 
Why did Napoleon have Roman letters on his cap?
He would look ridiculous if they were french letters.
 
Woody Allen– “If sex is dirty then you're probably doing it right.”
 
What does the snail riding on the tortoise say? JeeeeeeeJJA!!