I think its important for me to share this because its a bad thing to experience about. And while I'm writing this, I feel its a therapy for my heart too.
This feeling of not good enough on something is very toxic, especially to yourself. I've hated it since I know how much energy it took from me. But I couldn't help feeling it while I overthink recently.
Not because I always overthink stuffs but because this past relationship had me insecure about my future partner and the journey we will be going through.
I've been thinking that "Do I have to change anything about myself, since its fine for some people to curse to their partner, even when they fight?" Because from what I understand, we should have been highlighted and aware of our partners' feelings; to feel loved, protected and warm.
I was expected to supress my dissapointment and sadness when my ex is a bad tempered person. He would say abusive things like, I'm a b**** and etc which made me feel like I'm the worst person that has ever exist. Of course, he would say sorry sometimes and I forgave him. It happens a lot, too often. I defended him because I push myself to make sure that I did my best to make things better. I think it got so bad that I couldn't experience him to be mad at me because I get traumatised.
He also complained to me sometimes about me having an imperfect family. I don't always have my dad and my mum stands on her own feet. She also experienced far more worst relationship with my dad that she has a bit of trust issue with my ex. He complains about it to me and URGE me to change my family. And that my family should be more flexible and open so anytime if he wants to come to my house to sleepover or have a simple visit, he will get treated properly but ofcourse, my mum is very strict about this. You don't simply own me easily. I'm precious.
But his ways of doing all these got me feeling that my family is not good enough, I'm not doing good enough that I am expected to do things better or I have to take all the blame and be responsible for it. I am the cause of why things went wrong.
I feel like it affected me so much that everytime I think about having a husband in the future will be hard. And thinking about it made me cry so so hard. Because I feel like it takes a lot for the man to accept me and my family.
Eventhough my family is considered 'abnormal', but I still do think that I have my own definition of happy family, and I'm proud of my mom and my brothers though my father is excluded.
I feel very bad for the man that is going to marry me because he wouldn't get to experience father-in-law-and-son-in-law moments. I feel that I am responsible for this.
Knowing that someone I loved hated it made me feel like my definition of happy family is the worst definition ever. And having to hold that we should appreciate and offer fonds to our partner is the most unrealistic thoughts.
Of course, I am aware that there are weaknesses but I don't think it is an excuse for us to treat our partner that way..... or am I wrong?
Above all, I am so grateful that I am reminded I deserve so much better than these treatments by my bestfriends and my mom.
I do have a little faith that the right man will eventually arrive. But before this happen, I guess I need to recover from this.
If you have any thoughts about this, please feel free to share it with me. Thank you in advance!
Lots of love,