Murmuration - Chapter One (Part Three) - 1994

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Murmuration - Chapter One - Part Three

He stopped and looked around. It took the world a little time to realise, it took a little time for the world to catch up with him. He felt it spinning around him, disconnected from him before slowly they reconnected and found their equilibrium. Alien shook his head in confusion. Unable to remember what he was thinking about but remembering that it was something really fucking important. Alien felt the faint remnants of anger and upset but cannot connect his thoughts enough to remember what caused them. Without warning to himself or anybody else he turns and wanders down the beach.

 

Floating over the stones he pretended he was invisible. When he was younger he used to imagine that if he pretended hard enough he would actually turn invisible. A weird superpower that seemed to be possible for large chunks of the school. Often no one took any notice of him. Sometimes though when he really needed the power, it deserted him.

 

His eye was diverted by a small patch of empty sand. A wave of nostalgic happiness crashed over him as he found himself standing in the middle of the sand patch. The walk down the beach had detached Alien from the hypnotic tentacles of the music. Although he can still hear it. The dull thudding four four beat. He looked out across the water and fished a cigarette out of its crushed golden packet. 

 

“What do you think dad?” He said aloud to his own surprise. 

 

‘Where the fuck did that come from?’ he wondered. Then decided he might as well continue with this line of thinking.

 

“There is a great big world out there, dad,” he says, again out loud. Parroting his dad’s words back to him. 

 

The words sent rushes down his spine as the smile widened on his face.He lit up his fag and pulled hard. Remembering his dad's words on a visit to Hove beach.

 

The first time he heard this idea he certainly didn’t believe it. He was really little and thought it was a silly suggestion. His world consisted of him, his mum and his dad, his street, his school and very occasionally Brighton or to be perfectly correct, Hove. 

 

When he was older though, Alien’s horizons broadened to the pages of books and magazines. In those glossy pages, he explored far and distant lands. Places with endless fascinating landscapes and animals. 

 

But these places were abstract, unreal and not somewhere Alien ever expected to visit. 

 

On their many visits to the beach, his dad used to talk about stepping across the sea to . . .  somewhere, anywhere.  Alien never understood the concept. The idea of it was terrifying to him. How would he ever be able to get back, back to his mum and dad.

 

“Then you went and  . . .” he spoke softly to his dad, looking up at the black night sky randomly littered with patches of  dull stars.

 

‘It is always darkest just before dawn’ he thought to himself wistfully.

 

Still staring out to sea he slowly raised his hand to softly brush a tear from his eye. 

 

“You’re autistic you idiot. You don’t feel anything. You are a fucking alien robot.”

 

He dropped down onto his haunches and touched the cold, damp sand. Picking up a handful he let it run through his fingers. He laughed at the contrast between the scene in his head: dry white sand elegantly trickles through his hand. While the reality of a cold night on Shoreham beach. Stuck on his fingers were large clubs of wet light brown sand that wouldn’t move until he broke them with his fingertips.

 

Wistfully he glanced back at the party. It looked like an oasis of energetic light and pounding music in the dark desert of the night.

 

“I am part of that dad.” he says aloud, smiling. Wishing he could figure out how to rejoin it. 

 

His smile disappeared as he forlornly looed back down at the pebbles. 

 

“I was part of that,” he says, lost on his island.

 

Cut adrift. It all looks so far away to him now. It felt like the music that was so much a part of him earlier was now pushing him away, pushing him back to his past. It felt like there was a huge forcefield over the party keeping him out. It was the same forcefield that used to cover the playground at school. All the light, all the music, all the love was inside. 

 

He was like a negative, all darkness and shadowy white lines. 

 

Stuck outside. 

 

Back in his lonely childhood.

 

Trapped on the island he once shared with his dad. 

 

But he was alone.

 

He whispered softly “Dad.” Afraid to speak too loudly in case someone might find him.

 

Someone might find him here, standing outside the sweet shop with his face pressed against the glass. 

 

Was it a sweetshop or was it one of the birthday parties he was never invited to?

 

Back at the music Moony looked up from his groove and smiled at Charly as he caught her eye. He scanned their group and noticed that someone was missing. Concern instinctively took over and he flicked his eyes around him. Ever since school Moony had looked out for Alien. He knew why he was called Alien in the first place and understood that he needed a little extra help sometimes.

 

“Alien’s gone!” he shouted, as he turned away toward the beach to see if he could see him.

 

“Sorry man!” he muttered under his breath. Feeling guilty that he had taken his eye off him. He tried to calm the panic building up inside him.

 

As he stepped away from the group he slid his bright red duffle coat on hanging loose over his white Adidas t-shirt. His feet slipped from underneath him as he stepped on to the loose pebbles of the beach. Leaning forward a little to climb up the pebbles piled at the back of the beach he reached the top and felt like a mountaineer ascending the top of some alpine peak. He scanned the beach and saw his mate standing on a patch of sand staring out to sea. 

 

Moony slid down the mound of pebbles, controlled and graceful with the ease of a proper Birghtonian. Moony has been surfing down these pebbles all his life. 

 

Alien heard a familiar shushing sound around him. The unmistakable sound of Brighton beach. The waves constantly dragging pebbles this way and that. Shifting them across the beach between the groins. 

 

The sound was hypnotic and calming. 

 

Alien used to stand for hours watching the water and listening. Now he was hearing it in stereo. In front of him and behind . . .  behind?

 

He wondered if it was just the sound echoing through the night. Bouncing off the darkness.

 

Confusion rose inside him, he turned around to see that familiar red duffle coat. Moony loved that coat. Everyone told him he looked like a post box but he didn’t care. Here he was, sliding down the pebbles. Bright red against the night sky. The lights from the party bouncing off it in flashes. illuminating his bright white t-shirt. Making him look like one of those life preserver things you get on boats. Alien watched him hypnotised by his red and white life-preserving presence.

 

“AAAaaallliiiieeeeeennnn!” Came the cry from the letterbox.  “My fucking man, what are you doing out here?”

 

Alien wanted to explain. The words just would not come. His thoughts were fractured. It was half that he didn’t understand and half that he couldn’t remember what he was doing. All he could think of was boxes, beaches and . . . his dad.

 

Moony gets it.

 

“Man, we were worried about you” he kindly put his hand on his mate’s shoulder and turned back to the party, opening his mouth to speak . . .

 

“Why!?” Alien blurted out, way more aggressively than he intended.

 

 He pushes at his mate’s hand hard, not really wanting to move it from his shoulder. Alien’s feelings are spinning and turning. Churning and pounding him like the sea. He tried to hold the feeling but the mistrust dissipates before he can take hold of it.

 

Moony stood there . . .  somewhat stunned. This wasn’t like Alien. 

 

He was concerned but also a little proud . . . or impressed . . . or . . .  something. “Alien . . . mate . . .  was is going on here? I’m confused”

 

Alien’s eyes were full of rage and Moony can almost see the strength and anger moving through him.

 

Standing himself up straight to talk eye to eye, not something Alien does often. If ever. He paused.

 

“Wait!” Alien kind of yells . . . “Mooney . .  Steve.” his voice trailed off as he continued to search for his question. 

 

“Why . . .” he stumbled, although finding purchase on firmer ground 

 

“ . . . why are you in my life? 

 

Why are you my red and white life preserver? 

 

You have pulled me in . . . my . . . My dad tried for years. 

 

He chopped me . . .  and cut me . . . he made me . . . “ 

 

his eyes drift back out to sea. “ But you . . .?”

 

Moony stopped short, concern for his friend's words pushing his other emotions to one side 

 

“He did what . . . ?”

 

“No . . . not like that! I just mean like . . .  tried to make me . . . help me fit in.” Alien was starting to feel panic rising inside him. Frustration that he couldn’t make his friend understand. For a moment he felt like he did at school when he was about to lose it.

 

Moony took a deep breath, slowly took his hand off his mate’s shoulder and stepped away. He boldly stepped off the island and sat at the base of the pebble hill.

 

“What the fuck . . .  are you on about? He smiled kindly and patted the stones next to him. “Sit down”

 

Alien panicked, looking hesitantly at the coastline of his sandy island. Could he just step back off and into the world. He closed his eyes and stepped over to his mate. 

 

He made it.

 

He sat down next to Moony, took a deep breath and began again.

 

“I’m Alien right?”

 

“With you so far!” Moony laughed nervously.

 

“From another planet, Alien the outcast . . . a visitor from another planet.”

 

Moony looked down. trying to hide his look of guilt. He shook his head and offered “Look man, we are sorry . . .”

 

“It’s fine. . . It’s right. . . ” 

 

Alien says matter of factly 

 

“ . . . but why did you make friends with me?”

 

Moony looked over at his friend and suddenly understood. He had always been prepared for this conversation but still, right then it took him by surprise.

 

“Because you are into the same music as me. Because you . . . we . . . mate . . .” 

 

Unusually for Moony he was tripping over his words and thoughts and couldn’t get himself together. 

 

“Can I give you a hug?”

 

Alien was taken aback by this as usually Moony just grabs him and hugs him, slaps him, punches him or whatever. Never any warning.

 

“Alien . . . ” he said reading his response, “My mum told me that I should ask. She said people like  . . . people with . . . she said that you might not like physical contact” He looked down and apologises again.

 

Alien leant over and hesitantly hugged his mate. It took Moons by surprise even though he had asked for it. The two friends held the hug, lost in each other, lost in the warmth and lost in the moment. 

 

“It is more the unexpectedness of a sudden hug that gets me” Alien says quietly to his friend.

 

Nodding enthusiastically, Moony says “of course . . .  what is bothering you, man?”

 

“I just don’t know why you are friends with me?”

 

“Why do any friends become friends?” Moony smiles”  I was interested in your music. You remember when I found your tapes?  Then I was interested in your guitar playing. Because it is incredible. Then it was just because you are . .  well . . . you’re cool. Different . .  but  . . .  cool . . .  like refreshing. No one sees the world like you.”

 

He pulled two cigarettes out of the sparkling golden box in his bright red coat and put them both in his mouth. He lit them and got them started.  Puffing huge clouds of smoke out into the night sky. Alien was hypnotised by this before taking one of the cigarettes off of his friend.

 

Pulling hard on it Alien smiles “Thanks.”

 

“If I am honest though it’s not all about you. I was getting fed up with hanging out with Whitey and that. It’s not like I don’t realise that he is an arsehole. I did, and quite often he would pick on anyone around, including his mates if no one else is around. Often . . .  well . . . often . . . it was me.” Moony looked down, hurt by the memory and hurt by the fact that he had made others feel like he did.

 

“Really?” Alien looked up confused but smiling sympathetically “ I can’t imagine anyone picking on you . . . “

 

“Whitey is a fucking psycho! He’s fucked up. His dad picks on him and he  . . .  well he just takes it out on the world . . . whoever is around. The added bonus of always fighting is that you can explain away new bruises.”

 

“Fuck!” Alien let out a huge cloud of smoke. “I never knew.”

 

“Thing is though, you can only make allowances for so long. I started hanging out with Jools more and then realised that there was more to life. Realised that without Whitey and the others, my life was better. My life was . . .  well . . . more positive . . . “ he looked back over at the party and smiled.

 

“I just, I never knew” Alien stammered “ I never expected people to be like . . .  well . . . like this.” He followed Moony’s gaze back the party and smiled.

 

“Maybe this is it, man. Maybe people don’t really give a shit. You are you and I am me. We can all just be what we want to be.”

 

This was the sort of quasi-intellectual bollocks that Moons excelled at. This especially sounded like it made sense but really it was nonsense.

 

Alien kept nodding, kind of lost in his new understanding of his mate. 

 

His concentration was broken by the others arriving.

 

The five friends sat on the stone and looked across the pebbled beach. They were together now, connected in a way that youth across the country was experiencing. These were the fucking days my friend and the five of them were going to live them. Charly lent over and rested her head on Moony’s shoulder and sighed as he wrapped a warming arm around her. As they gazed into the distance still nodding to the music pounding behind them they started to notice the distant pebbles glistening a kind of deep orange colour. Alien went to tell the others and then dismissed it as a kind of trippy effect from the drugs and the lack of sleep.

 

Then Katie lifted her hand and smiled 

 

“Look at that man. The sun is rising and spreading sparkles over the beach.” 

 

Just at that moment the DJ switched the beat and started spinning The Sun Rising By the Beloved. Suddenly the atmosphere changed and as the friends watched the orange light spread across the beach and the rough sea of the English Channel they stood and started to dance. Arms aloft as if praying to the sun god for a new pure morning. The sun was pushing more insistently up into the darkness. A halo of deep orange surrounding it, so deep yet still kind of dull. Around it though everything started to light up. Light glinting off everything, finding a shine from even this the dullest sea in the world. So often it was brown and churning, unwelcoming and hostile to all. Now though it shined like the oceans in the magazines that Alien used to read and dream of visiting. There were better places in the world to watch the sun rise but right now Alien, Moony, Jon, Katie and Charly were exactly where they wanted to be.

 

The centre of the world and nowhere better.