George And the Dragon (Part Three)

© 2013 David Jasmin-Green

There was what George assumed to be a fire burning at the back of the cavern quite a distance away with tiny human figures moving back and forth in the glow, but the rest of the interior was very dark and it took his eyes a while to adapt to the gloom. Eventually he realised how big the cave was, you could have fit a few dozen cathedrals in there and still had room to spare. He couldn't see the dragon, though, just a huge mountain of rock towards one side. “'Ang about, that can't be right,” he mumbled, because one end of the rock started to move.....

A massive horned head reared up, and he saw the red glow of a pair of monstrous eyes. The dragon's head was as big as an Arctic lorry, George would have thought if there was such a thing as Arctic lorries at the time, which of course there wasn't. “Christy,” he said. “You're bloody 'uge! The biggest creature I ever saw was farmer 'Arrison's prize bull, but your 'ead's bigger than 'e was - I never thought that any living thing could be so ginormous!”

“Yes, I am rather large even by dragon standards,” the dragon said. “My name is Una, pleased to meet you, George. There's a pile of dead branches in the middle of the cave that I'm about to set ablaze so that you can see more clearly, so don't be alarmed.” The dragon opened her mouth, which was as wide as a couple of barn doors, and emitted a searing tongue of flame that ignited the branches.

“Blimey!” George said. “You're a beauty! I never expected dragons to be so colourful.” Una was a bright pink with little ripples of sky blue and red and yellow and purple, and her dinner plate sized eyes were a rich leaf green.

“Thank you very much, sir, you're a gentleman. My skin naturally changes to the hue of my surroundings, which is why I was more or less the same uniform pale grey of the cavern walls until I decided to change colour for your enjoyment.”

“Can I ask you a question?” George said.

“Of course you can.”

“Why on Earth 'ave you got twenty odd princesses 'ere? And 'ow come they don't sneak out and do a runner while you're asleep?”

“I collect princesses because that's what dragons do, but don't bother asking where the hoard of treasure is that dragons are supposed to guard, because that's pure myth. You might as well ask a bear why it shits in the woods, ask a monkey why it's puzzled by Monkey puzzle trees, ask a politician why he habitually lies through his teeth or ask the sun why it shines. Dragons have always abducted princesses, ever since the beginning of time, that's just the way it is. Some dragons just take the odd one or two, some collect many. The reason that the ladies don't run away, believe it or not, is because they like it here..... Girls, come and introduce yourselves to our guest.”

“Hi, my name is George Piggles,” George said as the women approached him.

“I am Princess Portia of Poshville, and you're clearly not good enough for me,” the first in a long line of princesses said.

“I am Princess Akasha of Thrax, hello George,” a beautiful black skinned woman with a voice as soft as silk said – George had never seen a black person before.

“I am Princess Chi of the People's Republic of Xantang,” a pretty oriental girl said (George had never seen an oriental person before either).

“I am Princess Helga of Krautland,” a six foot two, twenty five stone behemoth grunted.

“I am Princess Flower, of Hippyland – you're far out, man, maybe we can share a joint and some magic mushrooms later.”

“I am Princess Running Deer of the Okeweege tribe in a country called America that hasn't been discovered by white men yet.”

“I am Princess Consuela of Ingerland,” said a tall, slim beauty with a mane of black shiny hair.

“You're..... You're beautiful!” George said, and that was that – though he courteously smiled and shook the hands of the other princesses he didn't hear their voices or see their faces, because he had fallen head over heels in love.

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The princesses made George a lovely cup of tea and a full Ingerlish breakfast, which he wolfed down in no time. They had all the home comforts in their neat corner of the cave; they had plush bedrooms hewn out of the rock, a huge sitting and entertainment room with half a dozen Playstations and a massive TV, a posh kitchen in an alcove with a fancy gas range stove, a microwave, a pasta maker and a food mixer amongst other delightful things. George failed to recognise most of the goodies because they hadn't been invented yet, but Una was a magic dragon, and in her enchanted domain anything was possible.

“Look, I can see you've got a nice place here girls,” George said after he had eaten, “but surely it's not the same as being at home. Why do you all stay here?”

“Actually it's more peaceful here than at home,” Consuela said. “Being a princess isn't as wonderful as you might think, George. Our fathers never tire of trying to marry us off to random princes, most of them complete knob-ends, and we're sick to death of it. I'd be happy enough to marry a nice, honest man like you, mind.”

“Really?” George said. “But I'm a common peasant, I live in a tatty little cottage with me old mam, and I ain't got any money. And I'm fat.....”

“That doesn't matter, silly,” Consuela said, batting her eyelids. “You're a little overweight because of your poor diet, no doubt, but we'll get you a personal trainer who'll soon knock you into shape. I'm fucking loaded, matey, I have enough money to last us a zillion years, and once you deliver me safely back to the palace you'll be given a huge pile of gold as a reward and offered my hand in marriage.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot. 'Ang on, the king's decree clearly stated that 'e wanted the dragon's 'ead as well as you being returned safely 'ome. I can't kill a nice dragon like Una, and even if I did, 'ow would we transport 'er 'uge 'ead back to the palace in old London town? Anyway, I still 'ave to talk Una into letting me take you away, and I don't know 'ow she's gonna react to that idea.”

“Stop talking about my severed head,” Una interrupted. “The very thought makes me wince. If Consuela wishes to return home and marry you she's perfectly free to do so. I'll give you a lift under the cover of darkness if you like, but you can't have my lovely noggin - I'm sorry, but I'm using it. I'm preggers, by the way, and come spring I'll be laying a huge clutch of eggs, and then I won't have time to look after these lovely princesses. Why don't you take them all back to their homelands and gather an absolute fortune in rewards? I'm sure their parents will be so glad to have them home safely they'll stop trying to force them to marry inappropriate suitors.”

“That's a fabulous idea!” the princesses all squealed at once.

“As for what you're going to say when you return without my head, George, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you could claim that after you plunged your lance into my fiendish heart I fell over a cliff into an impassible gorge during my death throes.”

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With the help of Una George delivered the princesses home one by one. The kings of all the kingdoms they visited believed the unlikely story, because everybody loves a hero - and by the time Una flew to the palace in old London town the sharp spines along her back had twenty two bulging treasure chests bound to them.

“My beautiful daughter!” King Algernon said when the palace guards roused him at four in the morning and brought in his daughter and her saviour. “I'm so happy I could cry - I thought I'd never see you again.....”

George and Consuela related the story they had perfected during their travels. After a long battle, they said, George single-handedly slew the dragon with his lance, and after he delivered the death blow the monster tumbled down the steep side of the mountain and fell into a deep, ice-covered lake where it was impossible to retrieve its head. The treasure, they said, was stacked at the back of the dragon's cave, and they had paid a merchant to transport it to old London town in his cart.

Just a few weeks later King Algernon, who was a tired old man, abdicated and George and Consuela were married and crowned King and Queen of Ingerland. It goes without saying, of course, that they lived happily ever after and had lots of beautiful children. George and Consuela ruled fairly, they overturned the nations vicious legal system and introduced a set of just laws that would remain unchanged until the devil invented the Conservative Party. George even forgave his mother, because her actions, though not exactly loving, had brought him tremendous happiness and unprecedented wealth.