A Tall Man With Sticky-out Ears, A Gammy Leg And A Black Eye Carrying A Mannequin And A Rubber Plant (Part Two)

© 2013 David Jasmin-Green

“Here goes then, kid. We've got maybe ten minutes until the fun starts, and this time there's no chance that you'll think I'm somehow pulling the wool over your eyes. This scenario is so improbable no one could possibly predict it unless they possess genuine psychic powers – even you'll grudgingly admit that.

You see that little lay-by over there by the ironmongers and the new sari shop where the parking meters are? There are six cars there, right? You see that old red Cortina estate? In a little while the owner will come back, a little old guy with a port wine stain on his face, and he'll jump in his car and drive off towards the Town Hall. From the other direction you'll see a battered mini the colour of diarrhoea approach and pull into the space, and it'll take the driver a while to park because he hasn't passed his test, the naughty boy.

The fellow will get out of his car, and you'll wonder how he fit in there because he'll be impossible tall, he'll look like a deformed stick insect in human clothing. One of the first things you'll notice about him is his ears, he'll have the biggest, most sticky out ears you've ever seen, and you'll also notice that he walks a bit oddly because he has a gammy leg. As he turns this way you'll see that he has a black eye, a proper shiner. He'll pull the seat forwards and begin to unload his cargo from the back seat. Wait for it, Raymond, you're going to love this - he'll pull out what looks like a mannequin just like they have in the department stores, but actually it's a very posh dressmaker's dummy, his aunt Tilly is moving into a flat just down the road and the dummy is wearing a half-finished project. Oh, and just before he trots off across the road with the dummy the man will pull a huge rubber plant from the back seat.”

“You can't know all this, Mrs. Madleigh. There has to be a catch, there has to be a trick to all this. Shit, it's like something out of a Derren Brown stage show.”

“Are you calling me a liar?”

“No, I'm -”

“Then shut up and watch. When our friend has delivered the mannequin and the rubber plant to his auntie's new flat he'll come loping back like a demented gibbon. He'll unload five cardboard boxes and stack them one on top of another. As he makes his way across the road he'll lose his balance, the top box will fall to the tarmac and burst open releasing a lovely white dove.....”

An old man with a birthmark on his face climbed into the Cortina and drove off towards the Town Hall. From the other direction came a shit coloured mini, and the rest of the drama unfolded exactly as the old lady predicted while Raymond watched in sheer fascination. The tall man with the black eye and the false leg loped off with a dressmaker's dummy and a huge rubber plant. A few minutes later he was back, and he unloaded five cardboard boxes that he piled in a precarious looking stack and crossed the road, barely able to see where he was going.

“Now comes the really interesting bit,” Mrs. Madleigh said. “This is when the idiot steps back into the road at entirely the wrong moment and gets flattened by a number fifty nine bus.”

“What?” Raymond said, but he couldn't take his eyes off the gangling man. He was almost across the road when the top box slipped off and tumbled to the ground, the poorly taped flaps bursting open as it hit the kerb and a white dove flapping out in a shower of feathers. The man looked flabbergasted, he took a step backwards and Raymond shouted 'No!' at the top of his voice, but it was too late. “You could have done something to stop that,” he spluttered. “What sort of monster are you?”

“No no, it was his destiny, and you can't change a person's destiny,” Mrs. Madleigh said, her voice sounding strange, sort of distant and tinny. When Raymond tore his eyes from the horrific scene outside and glanced across the table the old woman was gone.

“Is something the matter?” the waitress called from the counter.

“Yes, a man's just been hit by a bus outside.”

“My God, that's terrible!”

“Would you happen to know where Mrs. Maddison has gone?”

“I'm sorry, I don't know any Mrs. Maddison.”

“The old lady I've been talking to for the last half hour, I came in with her.”

“You came in alone, Sir, and you've been sitting alone.”