Hawthorn Revision to Chapter One Removed-Sent to Dry Cleaners...Wes

By Wes

Tue, 05 Feb 2013
  • 1955 reads
7 comments
 

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Certificate U
Hawthorn Realm - Needs editing - 10 - 2019
Fantasy

Comments

Submitted by Highhat on
Is this the first chapter? the opening is very mysterious and doesn't really hint at what the story is about. The characters are a bit stereotyped but the dialogue is all right except that we don't know what's going on. Except for those oddly colored green eyes the man looked normal. But then again, he had no perception of how an eccentric middle aged professor should look. this is confusing and not descriptive. I didn't know which person you were referring to? What is normal- describe his appearance. A mad professor is a steroetype as well- he needs to have a characteristcal personality. you asked for feedback. I hope you weren't only expecting positive feedback and praise because I am trying to help you with my critique and as such it is subjective to the way I have read this piece. This has been posted before and I'm sure I left a comment then too. I'd simply focus on writing and not be too persistant about getting comments. It throws people off to be badgered about it constantly.

Submitted by celticman on
The man seated across from him, hands folded onto his lap, shifted position and stared hard at the Chancellor.[the man is too general. Let the reader know who is who right away. Professor Maudlen seated across from him... Except for those oddly colored green eyes the man looked normal. But then again, he had no perception of how an eccentric middle aged professor should look. Highhat also picked up something I noticed here. If you change the first description to... the professor looked normal...that would help show who is in a sense speaking. The problem is I don't know yet whose story this is. Who is narrating? And why? There's lots to work with here.

 

Submitted by Wes on
Highhat First thanks for the feed back. Yes it is posted again.Not trying to be sarcastic but I was under the impression that's how this works. Write get comments and critiques,take whats relevant to you and your story act on it, then re-post with the changes and see what flies. Positive feed back only, maybe for some but for me, no that wouldn't fly. If I put something out there then I want honest opinion/observation/critique. I can't fix it if I don't know its broken. You write: persistent about getting comments. It throws people off to be badgered about it constantly.Well admittedly I do get antsy, but I don't think I've ever badgered.Unless you count subtle pokes like this posts title. I've spoken to a few people,and been told for one core groups form and two essentially there's no telling how many people will read and leave comments,some just read and go nothing personal. Quid pro quo works to a small extent (So I'm told and led to believe) that's just the way it is. So that's how I'll leave it.At least if I'm getting reads then like I was told you must be doing something right.And I'll continue to comment on others.Come what may. Both you and celticman picked up on the same thing so I need to take a serious look and rewrite/revise/clarify that part. That raises a question. Do I just correct the post through edit and not say anything? Send e-mails to the commenter alerting them to the change. Re-post the story? How best to proceed?....Wes

 

Submitted by Wes on
Thanks for the feed back celticman. I'm going to review what you and Highhat picked up on. Change is inevitable...Wes

 

Submitted by celticman on
we don't start off with the perfect draft Wes, but with a lot of work (and some luck) we can get carve it out. Go to it.

 

Submitted by Highhat on
What you could do is just write 'redraft' at the top if you want to. Or ' finished work' if that is what you mean.

Submitted by Wes on
Thanks Highhat. That works.