Hawthorn Revision to Chapter One Removed-Sent to Dry Cleaners...Wes
By Wes
Tue, 05 Feb 2013
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7 comments
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Comments
Is this the first
Is this the first chapter?
the opening is very mysterious and doesn't really hint at what the story is about. The characters are a bit stereotyped but the dialogue is all right except that we don't know what's going on.
Except for those oddly colored green eyes the man looked normal. But then again, he had no perception of how an eccentric middle aged professor should look.
this is confusing and not descriptive. I didn't know which person you were referring to? What is normal- describe his appearance. A mad professor is a steroetype as well- he needs to have a characteristcal personality.
you asked for feedback. I hope you weren't only expecting positive feedback and praise because I am trying to help you with my critique and as such it is subjective to the way I have read this piece.
This has been posted before and I'm sure I left a comment then too.
I'd simply focus on writing and not be too persistant about getting comments. It throws people off to be badgered about it constantly.
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The man seated across from
The man seated across from him, hands folded onto his lap, shifted position and stared hard at the Chancellor.[the man is too general. Let the reader know who is who right away.
Professor Maudlen seated across from him...
Except for those oddly colored green eyes the man looked normal. But then again, he had no perception of how an eccentric middle aged professor should look.
Highhat also picked up something I noticed here. If you change the first description to... the professor looked normal...that would help show who is in a sense speaking.
The problem is I don't know yet whose story this is. Who is narrating? And why?
There's lots to work with here.
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we don't start off with the
we don't start off with the perfect draft Wes, but with a lot of work (and some luck) we can get carve it out. Go to it.
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What you could do is just
What you could do is just write 'redraft' at the top if you want to. Or ' finished work' if that is what you mean.
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