Mr Chan

My girlfriend persuaded me to take her to a Jonathan Li concert. She warned me he was old school, but informed me that he is a very talented singer songwriter. Two $200 tickets to the Hong Kong Coliseum were purchased.

As we approached the venue, we both noticed that the concert goers were either balding, pot-bellied men (myself included), women who looked like your Chinese Auntie & fat, spotty younger women. Realising that she was probably the youngest & best looking girl there, my girlfriend proudly exclaimed: 'Look at them all! I must be a real music lover.'

At this point, I laughed & called her a 'wally'.

On entry, we were directed to pretty much some of the worst seats in the house. The cheap seats were sold out when I booked, so I had to opt for the mid-ranged seats. We spent a few minutes speculating as to where the cheap seats could possibly be & settled on the area where you'd have to crank your neck at a 45 degree angle to catch any of the action on stage.

Next, we gazed around at the fellow concert goers. My girlfriend was soon gutted as a family of 4 entered & sat in the seats in-front of us, as this meant that her 'youngest title' had now been lost to an 8 year-old. There was 'an Auntie' sitting next to us, who seemed to be having problems with one particular light shining in our general direction from the stage. She was in a constant battle of defending her eyelids from the light with her hand.

The concert started & Jonathan Li came & sat on a stool & started playing an acoustic guitar with a back-up band consisting of about 20 people. The songs were alright, but I would have preferred them if he had kept them to an acoustic version. His voice was quite grainy & quite good & he's obviously a talented bloke.

I looked on over to 'Auntie', who was now sporting shades & noticed her ruffling through her handbag. She pulled out some tissues, ripped one in half & proceeded to stuff each half in her left & right ears.

An old woman, dressed like a twenty-year old came on stage & did a duet with Jonathan Li ' she didn't do the songs justice. Her voice just wasn't strong enough for some of the required notes, but then again ' who am I to complain ' my voice is much akin to a sloth being eaten alive by an anaconda. Both her & Jonathan got 1 bunch of flowers each from various oddities in the crowd.

Next came a 'boy/girl' type creature. When he/she came on stage, I thought he/she was a man, but then he/she opened his/her mouth & out came this wonderful womans voice. It was really peculiar. I started paying a lot more attention to this person & noticed that there were no breasts, so it definitely had to be a man. The crowd loved him/her though & gave him/her/it around 20 bunches of flowers.

I glanced at 'Auntie' through the corner of my eye & noticed that the poor thing must be cold, as she had now not only had the shades on & tissue paper in her ears, but was also sporting a scarf.

A rather large bouffant man came on stage & did a couple of duets with Jonathan. He was quite good & at least had a man's voice. Unfortunately, the poor blighter only received one bunch of flowers from the crowd & scampered off stage with a flick of his quiff.

A stage-hand was helping Jonathan put a guitar on, when Jonathan proudly announced that the stage hand was infact Jacky Chan's son. Informing the crowd that he is teaching the boy to play guitar, he prompted Chan Junior to sing a couple of tunes on his own. And to be quite honest, these were very good tunes. They were a little bit funky, so I personally feel that Jonathan is doing the Chan family proud.

I noticed that the over-sixties were slowly making their way out of the concert as it was now 10.30pm. It must be past their bedtime ' especially seeing as the concert was on a Monday night. Looking over to our friend, we noticed that she had now flung off her glasses, scarf & ear plugs & was enjoying the concert so much that she was tapping her foot.

This only lasted about 10 minutes though, as she realised the time herself & scurried away home.

As the concert was drawing to a close, there was a big roar from the crowd. Jacky Chan had made an entrance onto the stage.

He gibbered for about 5 minutes ' swaying & apologising to the crowd for being drunk. He told everyone that he was entertaining a number of Japanese friends & had drunk a little too much booze.

Both he & Jonathan sprung into action with a song, until Jacky cut it short by shouting at the drummer to shut up. He then told the drummer that 'I AM JACKY CHAN ' WHO ARE YOU? ' YOU ONLY PLAY WHEN I TELL YOU TO PLAY'.

With that the crowd booed.

Jacky then turned to the crowd & told them to shut up.

The drummer started the next song ' Jacky told him to shut up.

Jacky gibbered.

The drummer started the next song ' Jacky told him to shut up.

Jacky gibbered.

This continued for about 10 minutes until the crowd started shouting for Jacky Chan to get off the stage, with which he again told them to shut up.

Jonathan Li, sensing a rampage of some sorts, decided enough was enough & walked off stage. This was noticed by Jacky Chan, who ran over to him, pleaded with him not to leave the stage, then allowed the drummer to start the next song, which they both sang together.

After the song, it still took another 5 minutes for Jacky to actually leave, but it left me chuckling & my girlfriend fuming.

By now, the near capacity crowd, was now down to approximately 40% capacity.

Jonathan rounded off his set with a couple of solo numbers & walked off stage, waiting for the obligatory shouts of 'Encore'.

Unfortunately, the 40% had dwindled to about 25% by the time he triumphantly re-entered the stage.

And by the time he ended the last track of the night, the 25% had gone down to the band, Jacky Chan, me & my girlfriend.