Farting for Britain

[Man in his late twenties, early thirties sits full screen facing
camera. He wears a white tracksuit top on which can clearly be seen the
British olympic emblem. Starts talking as if mid-way through an
interview]
Paul-Yes,well I think I first realised I had a talent for farting, well
ever since I could remember.My parents say I could fart before I could
walk,which actually I think most babies do but anyway I remember one
instance in my childhood,I must have been around seven or eight and me
and some of my childhood friends were playing with some matches we'd
found.By the way kids,you shouldn't play with matches, anyway we
started playing a game where we would hold the matches to our
em......backsides and then fart with the idea of seeing who could make
the loudest explosion.Well I remember I won every time.Every time.I
think it must have been around that time I realised that being able to
fart was a great way of impressing friends.
Interviewer - So you did have friends then.
Paul - Yes.Well,I had one,Charlie Grimthorpe.He was always giving me
new farting challenges like you know farting to music, farting upside
down...
Interviewer - So you were farting on a daily basis.
Paul - Oh yes,but I never really took it seriously until I started
secondary school where luckily for me they had just started an
afterschool farting class.
Interviewer - An afterschool farting class?
Paul - Yes.I have to say I owe a great credit to my afterschool farting
teacher,Derek Dimplestove.He,himself had an incredible natural talent
for farting, particulary the long duration fart and he quickly became
my mentor, showing me the importance of bad diet, lack of excercise
etc...
Interviewer - So from there........?
Paul - Well from there, It was Derek who came round to my house one day
and suggested to my parents that I could have a big future in farting
but for that I would have to start serious training.
Interviewer - That must have been a great shock for your parents.They
must have been em..........Estactic.
Paul - Yes,well I wouldn't say Estactic actually,more resigned to the
fact.After all by that time I was around fourteen,so they knew
already.
Interviewer - So you started going into training at quite a young age I
must say.Were you never scared of burning yourself out too young.
Paul - No, for obvious reasons I no longer play with matches.In fact my
father had to give up smoking on the advice of the fire brigade.By that
time I was training four or five hours a day,and most weekends.
Interviewer - It must have been hard for you, not leave you much time
for friends.
Paul - No that was hard I have to admit, watching all my mates going
out dancing, clubbing etc while I had to stay in most nights
farting.
Interviewer - But then again I suppose it was worth it in the end
because you ended getting a scholarship at one of the top farting
universities in America.
Paul - Thats right.I studied for my farting diploma at the University
of Wyoming and it was while I was in my first year there that I got
called up to the Scotland team for the Commonwealth games in
Jamaica.
Interviewer - Where you won a silver medal!
Paul - Yes.
Interviewer - An incredible achievement considering it was your first
major competition.
Paul - Well, I can tell you no-one was more surprised than myself but I
think God was on my side because two of my major competitors were
disqualified for taking banned substances.
Interviewer - Garlic.
Paul - That's right.
Interviewer - However that silver medal was the springboard for you
getting called up to the British olympic team where of course the whole
country now knows you won two gold medals,one in the long duration fart
and the other in the freestyle.
Paul - Well,you know I was over the moon when farting was finally
accepted as an olympic sport because it finally gave me the chance to
fart for Britain at an olympic level.
Interviewer - Well, you certainly did the country proud.
Paul - Thanks,but really I have to thank the lottery commission for all
thier help and of course my personal sponsors British Gas.
Interviewer - It really has been an incredible year for you.The gold
medals,sports personality of the year,Man of the year,your own chat
show and now the O.B.E.!
Paul - Yes,I'll tell you when I first got the letter saying I was being
considered for an O.B.E. I thought someone was playing a joke on me, I
really did.But there it was in black and white,for sevices to British
farting, I still don't think it's quite sunk in yet.
Interviewer - And what about these rumours you may be turning
professional?
Paul - To be truthful I still haven't decided. But I can confirm that
for the moment I will be keeping my amatuer status what with the
European championships in Zurich coming up and what with my sponsors
British Gas offering me a job.
Interviewer - So you'll be working for British Gas?
Paul - Yes and although I don't fancy having a pipe stuck up my arse
eight hours a day, I've had no better offers.
Interviewer - Well I think I can speak for the whole country when I
thank you for memories we'll never forget and there's just one more
surprise for you.......(Behind Derek, Michael aspel can be seen
creeping towards him with a big red book..............)