Sarah

The cat didn’t like my new girlfriend. He’d spring up from his chair whenever Sarah entered the room, then dash away into a Sarah-free part of the universe.

It wasn’t anything she’d done. Right from the start he’d taken against her, before she’d so much as had a chance to shake his paw.

The hamster didn’t like her either. It would hide deep inside its nest whenever Sarah was around, pretending to be asleep.

Even the dog didn’t like her, and the dog likes everyone. Whenever Sarah arrived at the door he would bark as if the house were under attack and snarl if she ever tried to pat him.

The chickens stopped laying eggs on the day Sarah first visited. The local foxes didn’t like her either and the foxes and hens joined forces, signing a joint petition calling for me to leave her for ‘somebody less repulsive’.

All my friends signed the petition too. In fact, I’m slightly suspicious about the signatures from the foxes and chickens. Whatever the truth, not one of my friends liked Sarah.

My family loathed her. My parents moved house without telling me their new address, changing their name to Mr and Mrs Dupont and pretending to be French Canadians. “It’s to make sure that we can never be associated with her,” my father told me, the day they announced they would never see me again.

God doesn’t like Sarah either. He appeared to me in a vision. “What on Earth are you doing?” he said. “I know I gave you free will, but honestly, there are limits.”

The Devil was of a similar mind. “I don’t usually agree with Himself,” he told me, in another vision, “but on Sarah he’s got it bang on. You should leave her. Listen to your cat for once.”

Which is why Sarah and I decided to leave this universe.

We’ve found a little place in the 6th Dimension. I’m looking forward to it. Of course, Sarah has already warned me that everyone in the 6th dimension is dead set against me. Even her six-dimensional hamster hates me, but I’m sure everything will work out fine.