Non, je ne regrette rien! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 4)

The story so far (read from the start at 'Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  An unfortunate problem with a tranquiliser left Archibald comatose but he regained consciousness in time for take-off.  Regrettably, a conversation about the certainty of death and taxes (or possibly taxis) resulted in Josiah shouting "We're all going to die" at the exact moment the engines powered down, with predictable results:

Oddly enough, the only row of seats not affected by the general air of panic, was that occupied by Detectives Wood and Stone.  People shouting out weird and threatening things being something of a standard background noise for most U.K. policemen.  In fact, their conversation was following entirely different lines.

"So, this bloke we're collecting" mused D.S. Stone, "is he some sort of transvestite or something?"

D.I. Wood looked up from his in-flight magazine, with some surprise.  His last recollection of Frankie Knight was of a shaven-headed maniac dragging four burly policemen, who had been trying to restrain him, around a cell.  He seemed an unlikely cross-dresser on the face of it.  A mental image of Frankie in stockings and suspenders flitted through his mind and he shook his head to dispel it.

"Why do you ask that?”

"Well, I thought, you know, what with his nickname" D.S. Stone struggled to explain, "Frank 'Nightie' Night.  I thought maybe he had a thing for women’s' lingerie."

"It's not 'nightie', as in something frilly and see-through, Stone" D.I. Wood explained, with some exasperation, "he's called 'Nighty' Knight because of his habit of knocking out anyone who gets in his way."

"One of them ironic nicknames then, is it?"

"Yeah, that's about the size of it" D.I. Wood agreed, "hopefully the Spanish lads will have him nicely restrained for the flight home.  Trust me, we don't want him getting boisterous."

"How long's he been on the run?"

"Five years now.  Never actually went inside.  He jumped out of the dock when he was being sentenced and hasn't stopped running since.  If he hadn't been stupid enough to post that video of himself on 'You Tube' singing 'Born To Run' at his local karaoke bar, we’d still be looking for him now.  Mind you," D.I. Wood confided, "he's never been what you might call a criminal mastermind.  We nicked him in the first place because he'd linked his Facebook page to his mobile phone, so it always showed his location."

Their conversation was abruptly halted by the sounds of a commotion to the rear and the sudden appearance of a rather flustered Senior Cabin Steward.

"The captain has asked me to have a discreet word with you" She whispered, "he believes that you may be serving police officers, is that correct?"

"Absolutely, ma'am, how may we help you?" D.I. Wood visibly preened in the attention, much to D.S. Stone’s disgust.

"We seem to have something of an ongoing situation, and we wondered if you could possibly help us?"

"What's the problem?" D.I. Wood asked, snapping his magazine shut, reluctantly.

"We have two gentlemen in the galley and we would very much appreciate it if you would have a word with them"

Wood and Stone followed her down the aisle and back to the galley area.  As they parted the curtain, Wood took one look at the two men sitting glumly amid the snack preparations and cried "Oh, stone the flaming crows, not you two again!"

****

“Wow!” Archibald exclaimed, looking around, “you just wait ‘til I tell me mam that I’ve been to Paris!”  His eyes sparkled with excitement.

"We are not, in any real sense, in Paris, Archibald.  We are in the Arrivals Hall of Charles de Gaulle airport!”  Josiah snapped.

“Well, yeah, I s’pose you’re right” Archibald conceded, “I guess it could be anywhere really, ‘cept the signs are all in foreign”

 "In fact,” Josiah said, warming to his theme, “if the pilot's contingency plan hadn't stipulated that he should land at the nearest airport, we wouldn't be here at all!    Where we should be is in Alicante, and why we are not is beyond my comprehension, although I feel sure that you are somehow responsible"

"I think that's a bit unfair, Mr. O.!" Archibald sniffed, "I was just minding my own business, listening to the music.  I thought they said it was what you'd shouted out that they'd taken the dead hump about"

"That may be the prima facie casus belli, Archibald, but, in my defence, I was merely reiterating the essence of what you had already…oh, what's the point!" Josiah conceded, miserably, "I think I might be better employed in pursuing our options for onward travel.  Stay here and keep an eye on our luggage, Archibald, I will ring Ms. Knight, again, and return forthwith"

Josiah retrieved his mobile phone from his hand luggage and pottered off to embark on, yet another, difficult conversation.

****

At the other end of the Arrivals Hall, two more English passengers were having a frank and earnest discussion.

"I told you I didn't want to fly, didn't I?  But would you listen…?"  Amber seethed

"I really don't see how I can be to blame for this situation, dear?" Lawrence protested, "and I must say that I think it was a complete over-reaction to insist on leaving the 'plane"

"Over-reaction!" Amber shrieked, to the consternation of those meeting and greeting their loved ones nearby.  "They were threatening to kill us all, Lawrence!"  She hissed.

"Well, I didn't think so and neither did the police.  Anyway, they took the men off the 'plane, so what sense does it make for us to get off as well?"

"There's no need to shout, Lawrence.” Amber snapped, “anyway, you don't know what they might have done with the 'plane, do you?" She added, darkly.

"What do we do now?" Lawrence whined.

"If it was left to me, Lawrence, we would be on the next ferry back to Dover, and home" Amber's bottom lip trembled a little with the emotion of it all.

"But it's our holiday, sweetheart" Lawrence pleaded, "we've booked and paid for it all.  I was looking forward to it"

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Lawrence!" Amber snapped, and folded her arms, "I'm not going on another 'plane, and that's that."

"I'll go and see what the options are" Lawrence shuffled away, miserably.

****

Samantha Knight sat behind Josiah’s desk, eased off her high heels and massaged her temples.  On the whole, she had come to the conclusion that she was not cut out for management.  Frankly, she didn’t know how Josiah did it and still remained, for the most part, calm?  It seemed to her it was a constant balancing act between two groups, the clients and the staff, with each persistently moaning about the other.

The office phone started to ring and she was tempted to ignore it and just enjoy a few minutes of tranquillity, but devotion to duty won the day and she picked it up.

“Josiah!” She said, with surprise, “whatever are you doing ringing me?” She glanced at her watch, “You can’t be in Alicante yet, you only took off an hour ago!”

Her brow furrowed further as she listened to the answer.  She reached for the remote control for the office T.V. and flicked the set onto the 24-hour News Channel.  Above the tickertape, describing a suspected aircraft hijacking, was a picture of a ‘plane sitting on a runway, with a line of passengers disembarking.

“Oh my God, Josiah!  Are you and Archibald ok?” Her heart was racing but she tried to stay calm.

As she listened further, the look of panic gave way to one of incredulity.

“Hold on!  Just what do you mean when you say, it might be your fault?”

****

In the Arrivals Hall of Charles de Gaulle airport, Josiah sighed and made an effort to explain.

“It seems that some of the passengers may have misconstrued something I said in reply to Archibald” He replied, miserably, “Hmmm?  Oh, well it was something to the effect that ‘we’re all going to die’” Josiah held the phone some way from his ear, as the volume at the other end reached something of a crescendo.  When the tirade finally subsided, he said, “well, I think that is a little unfair, my dear.  It was obviously not my intention to cause this unfortunate occurrence.  We have, subsequently, spoken to both the U.K. and French police and they are entirely satisfied that there was no ill intent”

He stood, watching the comings and goings of the aircraft, as he listened further to his fiancée.  One, in particular, caught his eye as it arced into the sky.

“Well, yes, in a perfect world we would be back on the ‘plane, as you suggest.  Unfortunately, the captain will not allow us to return.  As a matter of fact, I have just watched our ‘plane take off as it resumes its journey.” Ms. Knight clearly had a good deal to say on that topic. “Well, yes, ideally, we would catch an alternative flight, however” Josiah took a deep breath, “it would appear that no other airline will allow us to board”

The tirade resumed, with added vigour.  When it finally subsided,

“I was exceptionally grateful for your kind endeavours in prevailing upon Mr. Dunleavy, the proprietor of the aircraft, to allow us to board in the first place, in such exceptional circumstances, and, no, I would not expect you to call in any more favours.”  Josiah waited as his fiancée said her piece, “As you rightly say,” he responded, “you have done more than enough in that regard, however, I rather hoped that you might look into the possibility of an alternative mode of transport?”

There was a brief muttering and the call was terminated.

Josiah reflected that, when they said that the course of true love never ran smoothly, they could not possibly have dreamed of something like this!  However, he felt that there came a time in every relationship when one or other of the participants had to make a stand, and this…this was his time.  Appositely, the words of the Edith Piaf classic came to mind, he tightened his lips, jutted out his chin and marched back toward Archibald. 

Non,” he said to himself ”je ne regrette rien!”

Well, possibly…

Read the next episode - Stiffed!