Robocop - August 29 2002

19.02pm Well, I didnt set the alarm last night and woke up around
7.40am which left me no time at all to do anything online as I usually
do. I think it was cold this morning, it usually is now.

Yesterday (28) I woke up when I did, fed Longhair and Tabby, except
they are now really picky about their food. Longhair only eats his
biscuits now, and there is nothing different about the food. So I got
the train and messaged Erin as I like to do on the train. I had taken
the discman with me for the first time since I had bought it, and
listened to the new "Meet The Bellrays" album which dropped through the
letter box this morning (I had posted it from Reading on Sunday). It's
a bit like Hendrix in places, I like it.

Into work, and a lot of people noticed that I had returned with a tan
of some description. I had to explain that I hadn't been abroad, just
gone to the Reading Rock Festival at the weekend.

The morning dragged on interminably and I wasnt ringing Erin as she was
busy. At lunchtime in an attempt to cheer myself up I bought three new
CDs : Alkaline Trio, a punk compilation and the first New Found Glory
album, in HMV. It was quite warm outside. In Starbucks I had a panini
and latte, and Anne-Marie is leaving on Friday. I got back to the
office and back to work once more. I didnt have time to look at the
forums.

After a fairly slow afternoon I escaped and got the train home, and
listened to the Punk Compilation, which is mixed, some of its not bad
and other tracks are quite bad. There are a couple of good tracks. The
garden people have started hacking away the jungle in the back garden
so it looks a bit better now. I went online and found that I had no
email. I chatted with Erin briefly and then Kennedy rang her again, and
that was that. I think she was still talking to him when I went to
bed.

I had a long chat with another friend about things and he suggested
that maybe I should consider not ringing Erin so often. She was getting
concerned. Or so he said. This gets better and better. I sent him my
Reading Diary and he said that he didnt know I was married. Well, just
because I don't tell everyone I know that I am, I don't think it
matters. Anyway, despite not getting upset as such, I was still a bit
pissed off when I went to bed. My wife asked what was wrong, and said
that she hoped I wasn't going to get depressed again. I said no, and
nor would I stand in the garden at two am howling at the moon. Mainly
on account of the debris still lying around on the grass, which is
beginning to resemble the campsite at Reading.

Since I wasnt talking to Erin and so on, I had a look at another
bulletin board at www.nme.com where I have posted a few items. They
have 7,500 registered members. There is also a lot of bad language on
that board but nobody seems to mind. A lot of threads deal with basic
issues like "who was that girl I met at the ..... gig" and why the
bands that played at Reading were all the same (I think who ever posted
that had not left the Evening Session Tent for the whole three
days).

Times change, people change and things you assumed one way turn out
another. A nice end of the summer. Mixed signals? I dont think so, just
that we seemed to click. And maybe I read too much into that. It's like
the whole thing unwinding before my eyes, when all I want to do is chat
or at least have a conversation, like I do sometimes with people I
know, or meet in the street. Disconnect myself from certain albums that
I liked a lot like the Jimmy Eat World album which I don't play much
now, or the Velvet Underground which I havent played for quite a long
time. I still listen to Green Day because I can do that. And other
albums like the Alkaline Trio album which I kept playing all
evening.

You know, there is a song by Paul Weller on the second Jam album,
(another album I dont play) called "Tonight At Noon" and I didn't know
but a lot of the lines are lifted from "In The Midnight Hour" by Adrian
Henri, and also the title comes from another one of his poems called
"Tonight At Noon" as well. I am still floundering about to decide what
music I really like to play on the guitar. I expect I will figure it
out eventually, I usually do. It's little things like poems and
stories. I write these and I used to get a bit of feedback from Erin,
but not recently. I think the last time I had an email from her was
August 15th, which is two weeks ago. But that's okay because Erin has a
lot of stuff to sort out right now amongst other things, like Kennedy
and stuff like that.

I don't think I was wrong to fall in love but it does hurt when you are
told that actually they are not too sure about you. Who I am, and what
I am like. There is a lot of emotional shit flying about. Nobody really
needs it but it happens.

ALONE IN THE CROWD
------------------
Alone in the crowd
I wanted to go home
Because you were
Not there with me

I was alone
Even if people were there
I wanted to cry
I do not know why
It was a song I think

Alone in the crowd
I thought of you
Imagined you beside me
So I wasn't alone
Anymore

I keep doing this, lighting two cigarettes at the same time.

I did have a chat with my wife about having kids and she said that in
addition to the responsibility everything would change and anything I
did at present would stop. I dont think I'll bother to have kids, I
mean what's the point? I am too old anyway. Plus I owe twenty grand in
addition to the mortgage which doesnt help things either. I mean when
the kids grow up and come in late and tell me I am shit and that I
listen to shit and I am no hip geek or whatever the phrase is then, I
wonder if I take away their plug in access for a while that would sober
them up. I dare say I will change my mind in time but right now I don't
want kids.

Life is shite with occasional flashes of fun. I am a Type 5.