The Start Of Another Day: Chapter I

Preface:

     This book is something I have been planning to write for quite a while now; it dives into what I consider now the essence of my philosophy of life and goes through my personal development throughout one very tumultuous year. I advise you to keep an open mind whilst reading this book, the views expressed here might seem quite atypical to certain people; more importantly, feel free to disagree with any of the statements made in the following paragraphs, since as you’ll come to know after reading this book, I think that is inevitable and quite frankly a relief for any author writing these sorts of works, because then, it would mean that you are actively thinking and analyzing the point of views expressed within this book while trying to understand how exactly our opinions differ. This book is by no means an absolute guide to life that will instantaneously make everything better for you, but instead a collection of practices and philosophies as well as some general thoughts and views about certain matters that have helped me out a lot. I’ve been wanting to share these  for quite a while as I’ve stated above, however, these views  aren’t for everyone and as you’ll understand better through reading this book, there is no miracle method that works for everyone as far as I know. This shouldn’t make the book any less amusing or interesting however, and I hope that you’ll come to enjoy reading it as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it. 

 

 

                  Prologue:

       The start of yet another day….. I wake up contemplating the mistakes I’ve made the days before and question my motives for waking up, but only for a minute, until I clear my head enough for me to head towards the bathroom, as I wash my face, I catch a glimpse of the outside. I am unsure whether the sight makes me feel better or worse but one thing is for sure, it shakes my mind into wakefulness.

-Have you heard what that pig of a Prime Minister said about Algeria?

As I walk downstairs I start hearing their words more clearly, which is quite unfortunate for me.

-I can’t believe that these westerners still think they’re better than us after all this time! They still think they can toy with us all they want, said a slightly angered voice.

I hear those words and wish for silence, I couldn’t care less about their political mumbling. As they see me coming downstairs, they pause for a moment, which reassures me, until they carry on talking that is.

-The old us and them rambling; this is really starting to wear me out, I think to myself.

As I head outside I let out a long sigh.

-I don’t hate my parents, nor do I hate this country, I pause for a moment before adding:

 -“you cannot bite the hand that feeds you“, I guess.

    I make my way to school and gaze at the run-down buildings that surround my neighborhood. They were all hideous buildings that were never completely built in the first place, you can only see bricks and iron rods poking out from the outside.

-It’s really strange how people can’t build their own houses properly yet still have the newest smartphones and clothes that are popular in France, I thought to myself.

In the middle of the Boulevard of L’Azouni I see two young men hurling curses at each other playfully, not a strange sight even considering how conservative our society is.

I finally arrive to school. I’m already in my seat when I see a couple of my classmates and salute them .My high school is considered a below average one  because of its very loose rule set, however, I’d much prefer staying in this high school over switching to the traditional super strict schools since they’re not all that better in terms of teaching anyways.

 I was never really a social guy until I reached sixteen yet I still wouldn’t consider myself an extrovert, most people view me as a kind and down to earth person, or at least that’s what they tell me so often, I only had a couple of friends I mostly spend my time with, friends that are fun to be around yet I wouldn’t say that I was really close to any of them.

Most public high schools in Algeria are almost entirely free of charge which explains why they have such worn down equipment and tools, even the teachers aren’t that great, in addition, this high school also had quite a depressing look to it.

   A couple of lectures passed by in the half run-down classroom that I’m used to and it is now twelve o’clock, time to head home to get my lunch. Once I got there, and to my surprise, I find mom and dad there talking or should I say arguing, honestly, I cannot even make the difference anymore. As I arrive my mom greets me and tells me that my plate is already on the table, as I sit down at the kitchen table my father greets me and starts acting a bit friendlier than usual, which is very displeasing for me, our usual conversations aren’t very long and we do not meet very often; he then starts asking me about the exams coming up and I answer him with a very monotonic tone, he then starts rambling again with my mom and, as usual, cuts her off  with a tongue snap followed by an angry speech whenever she disagrees with him :

-Tsk! I said that it was going to be a bad decision that is going to harm us intellectuals, we are doctors yet they treat us in the most horrible way possible in hospitals, and now they made it even worse, they’re pushing away everyone from the field of medicine.

-Yes that is what I meant to say, replies mom with a hint of incertitude, but I still disagree with increasing the prices in hospitals bec…

-Socialists never brought anything good to this country! How can you even say that! He said, obviously annoyed by her reply.

In moments like these I really wonder why they got married in the first place, mom stopped talking afterwards leaving him rambling even further on his own. I hurriedly finished my plate and washed it at the sink so that I could leave this place to go back to school, not because I was late of course, not that it would matter if I was anyway.

    As I cross the school’s courtyard I see two guys getting in each other’s faces, they were clearly ready to take it beyond just verbal fighting. Fights aren’t as common now that I’m in high school thankfully, however, the reasons behind those fights never stopped being insignificant to me. Of course the whole situation is diffused by the students themselves and not the administration.

   This afternoon we have a religious studies course. I don’t specifically hate the course nor the teacher herself; sometimes it is rather interesting learning more about religion, however, I’ve always thought that the teachers were really biased and lacked basic argumentation skills, I also found it to be quite absurd how these courses were mandatory for everyone.

    Ever since I discovered the internet when I was young, I was surrounded by western culture, more specifically American culture, which is why I’ve always scored very high on English tests, not that those test were a reliable index for determining your proficiency, they were as credible as a kid being amazed by some basic trick, that aside, being exposed to western culture gave me very liberal views compared to most of my friends, I try my best not judge them since I firmly believe that the circumstances we are constantly surrounded by are what makes us form our views and opinions. Taking that into consideration, I always felt that having a different outlook often leads to unhappiness.

    I arrive home, do my homework, and then lie on my bed and start looking at my phone, mostly using   YouTube. It’s eleven in the afternoon already and I decide to get ready to sleep. This was the end of an average day for me in a somewhat rural town in the capital of Algeria; tomorrow is going to be a start of another day and sometimes I loathe the fact that there are more to come …..   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter I:

Enmeshment

    As far as I can remember, I’ve never really gotten along with my family all that well, especially my father. Like any “average” Algerian family, ours suffers from a lack of communication between parents and children; whenever a younger person dares to share his or her thoughts on a certain issue when the parents have already made up their minds, not only are his statements generally not considered at all but sometimes they are even considered “blasphemous” just because they oppose his guardians’ views. Not only that, but the older population of Algerians seems to have a fundamentally different and more traditional outlook on ethicality and morality, and a whole different set of opinions on many aspects in life compared to the younger generations. Coming back to my family, I’ve always felt that my parents never really understood much whenever I voiced my thoughts on something and took it directly as if I was challenging  their authority whenever we disagreed on something: I remember this disagreement that happened between me and my father solely because of a haircut I wanted to try, where  he thought of it as if I was being insolent  for not wanting to cut my hair as he advised, He then proceeded to say I won’t be getting any financial support from him as long as I do not do as he pleases; now, I mainly recited this anecdote  for comical purposes, however, this is  somewhat of an indication as to how many of the elderly think in this country. Many conflicts occur in families over slight differences in opinions and threats are ensued shortly after that as a way of gaining control, or this is how I view it at least.

    I am the youngest member of the household. The difference of age between me and my younger sibling is five years, however, our family’s disconnection -unfortunately- isn’t only caused by the age gap between the members, but rather a difference in times and circumstances; my mother was born slightly after Algeria became an independent nation, as for my father, he was born in 1954, the same year the Algerian revolution started. Like most Algerian parents nowadays, they were born in an era of fear and poverty. Times were much harsher because of the French colonization between 1830 and 1962, as those times were harsher they were consequently much more different compared to our lives today, this difference in times created a culture of obedience and absolute respect that was already glorified by religion, a culture where the parent is always right and where fathers “ruled with iron fists” over their families.

    As you can probably see, there is a major communication problem between the youth and the elderly of this society: this communication barrier is due to some of the elderly judging anything unusual as unacceptable and against what a society should strive for, which is understandable because the fear of the unknown that is ingrained in us humans as an instinct.

 

 

    This disconnection causes some parents to have a toxic relationship with their children, a relationship where children are constantly shamed over arguably insignificant reasons ever since they were young, simply because their parents do not fully understand them. Children are also constantly threatened to either be beaten if they’re young, or by other means as they start to grow up which creates this area of insecurity for the children as they feel that they should be completely obedient and try their best to please their parents not out of affection, but out of fear. This obedience starts feeling more and more like shackles that become heavier as the individual grows up; Sometimes it feels as if in our culture, from the moment of your birth, you are a slave to your progenitors, and so, you must be infinitely grateful for the life they gave you, in more concrete terms, you are born with an immensely great debt that you can never repay. The conclusion I came up with as to why these parents have this pre-fixed idea of their child’s absolute obedience is that some parents do not have real motives behind deciding to have children in the first place, that is because they were ultimately only “going with the flow” as I’d like to call it and succumbing to the pressure of everyone telling them to have kids because of religious obligation, or because they were pressured by their parents’ desire to have grandchildren, so they end up with children even though they were not ready to have them. These are not the only reasons however; sometimes parents decide to have children mainly to have a male offspring because of traditional beliefs, which leads them sometimes to have many “undesirable” daughters that will not be treated like they should be which is something that happens quite frequently. Sometimes the reasons behind having kids can be even more centered on the parents’ profit, which is what we can see often in families living in the rural sides of the country, where parents often choose to have as many kids as possible, hoping that one day those same kids they mistreated will be their salvation from poverty.

    Another problem that seems to be occurring quite often, and  that a lot of people have suffered from at a young age is violent environments; I’ve personally always viewed violence as an easy way out for people out of a frustrating or difficult situation, since instead of dealing with it  in a way that treats the causes of that issue, such as a kid misbehaving for example, they just “treat the symptoms” in a way that benefits them short-term, that would be  preventing that child from expressing his feelings in the last example, and that leads to them not having to deal with his emotions at the cost of his well-being. Violence creates a stress filled environment for  children since they always feel the need to behave perfectly instead of being themselves; this repression creates self-confidence issues and sometimes anger issues later on,  which is something  Algeria’s youth has been dealing with for quite a while.

      This all leads us to the main problem in Algerian families, which is enmeshment; it is defined in psychology as the diffusion of personal boundaries between a group of people that leads to a loss of autonomous development. What I did not mention earlier is that some of these parents genuinely believe that what they are doing is for their children’s sake, and most of the time, they do care deeply about  them, however, this becomes harmful when that care becomes an obsession that gives birth to manipulation and a desire to control every action of your child, depriving him of his free will and thus harming his development overall; this manipulation is an act that some parents commit because they fail to control their own emotions and the discomfort of having their own children disagree with them, it is sometimes an indication of emotional instability, In other words, This type of parent cares more about his mental comfort than his child’s well-being, which is of course up for debate.

     Enmeshment however isn’t a phenomenon that occurs exclusively in families, it can be in any sort of relationship between people where one of the members is overly dependent on the other: whether be it emotional dependence, or any other sort of dependence. That dependence –especially if it was an emotional one- causes the dependent individual to cross any barriers and go into the personal space of the other person just so that he or she could satisfy his or her needs. The underlying issue here besides being overly dependent is disregarding the other’s judgement about something and only caring about how you feel instead, in addition to doing what you desire without taking their feelings into consideration. This forceful behavior can only be dealt with by imposing a distance between the two of you and forcing the other to respect your boundaries, that can be easier said than done however, since it sometimes requires a lot of courage especially when you need that other person’s financial support or any services he provides at the cost of your mental stability.