Complaints

From: Clive Wilcox
Sent: 20 September 2010 21:44
To: feedback@flab-away.com
Subject: Faulty Item

To Whom It May Concern,

After spending twenty-seven minutes of my valuable time being told how important my call is and how it will be answered soon I am now emailing because I do not believe my call is important to you nor do I believe it will ever be answered.

I wish to complain about one of your products. At the suggestion of my wife, who insists that I should lose some weight, I purchased the Flab-Away VibroBelt Fat Vanisher last week and used it for the first, and only, time this evening. I put it around my waist as instructed and sat down to watch Morse in the belief that I would be somewhat thinner when it had finished.

Much to my horror, rather than gently massaging and toning the fat cells away, as claimed on the box and in your moronic television adverts, the VibroBelt gave me an electric shock that has made what little hair I have left stand on end, and what is more it blew the fuse in the television so I am now none the wiser as to whether Morse caught the murderer or not. I assume that he did.

However, I am requesting a full refund of my money for said device and I look forward to receiving it at your earliest convenience.

Yours sincerely,

Mr Clive E. Wilcox

From: Paul@flab-away.com
Sent: 21 September 2010 13.56
To: Clive Wilcox
Subject: Re:Faulty Item

Clive,

I can’t decide whether to laugh or vomit at the image of your fat wrinkly skin jiggling as you grapple with the VibroBelt.

I am sorry you lost twenty-seven minutes of your valuable time. I am sure you would have done something ever so worthwhile with it. Or perhaps you would have wasted those twenty seven minutes moaning and bitching about nothing like all you fat old farts do. Maybe you could have gone for a walk or done a few sit-ups to lose some weight.

Up yours fatty,

Paul

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Dear Mr Wilcox,

Thank you for your email regarding the Flab-Away VibroBelt Fat Vanisher. We do our utmost to bring you the finest products and we are very sorry that on this occasion you have not been fully satisfied. Please tell us your address and we will be happy to send you a replacement product.

Kind regards

Paul Fordham
Feedback Facilitator

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From: Clive Wilcox
Sent: 21 September 2010 16.02
To: feedback@flab-away.com
Subject: Re: Re: Faulty Item

Dear Mr Fordham,

I do not want a replacement product. I was not only not “fully satisfied”, I was also nearly killed. I want a full refund and an apology. If I do not receive this I will be escalating this issue to your superiors.

Yours sincerely,

Mr Clive E. Wilcox

From: Paul@flab-away.com
Sent: 22 September 2010 15.18
To: Clive Wilcox
Subject: Re:Re:Re: Faulty Item

Dear Blubberguts,

Do you know what it’s like working in a complaints department? The clue’s in the name. All you get is unhappy, angry people moaning on about exploding belts and trapping their body hair in the chest expander as if it’s the end of the bloody world. Get some perspective!

I can’t blame you for not wanting a replacement – they are shite. Downright dangerous to tell the truth. As you’ve discovered. But what do you expect? You get what you pay for. Why do you think you can’t get through on the phone? Because the lines are jammed with whiny buggers like you, bleating about defective exercise bikes or rowing machines catching fire. You are not the only one. In fact you got off lightly. Maybe in future you should try being less of a tight-assed cheapskate and splash the cash on a decent product.

By all means escalate this to my superiors. I know for a fact that they couldn’t give a rat’s ass about you or your problems. They love your money and nothing else.

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

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Dear Mr Wilcox,

I am very sorry that you are not happy with the way I dealt with your enquiry. However, if you read the Terms and Conditions that accompany your product you will see that Flab-Away do not offer refunds. I can however offer you a credit note that you will be able to put towards any product in the Flab-Away Fitness online catalogue.

I trust this will be satisfactory.

Kind Regards

Paul Fordham
Feedback Facilitator

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From: Clive Wilcox
Sent: 22 September 2010 16.49
To: feedback@flab-away.com
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re@ Faulty Item

Mr Fordham,

You are trying my patience. If I do not receive a full refund within one week of this missive, I will be instructing my solicitor to take proceedings further.

Yours sincerely,

Mr Clive E. Wilcox

From: Paul@flab-away.com
Sent: 22 September 2010 10.01
To: Clive Wilcox
Subject: Re:Re:Re: Faulty Item

Hello you old bastard,

So glad you’re back again. I do enjoy our little chats. It must be very frustrating for you to get through to someone like me who couldn’t care less about you or your problems working some piece of crap.

Maybe you should try having a bit more fun. Live a little. Do you play the lottery? I do. Have done for years. I worked out that I’ve spent over £500 on the lottery in my life. Always the same numbers as well. Wasted money you might say. But last night they came up. Every single one of the little beauties. On a triple rollover as well. Twenty-three million smackeroos. All mine.

You know the first thing I did when I got in this morning? I wrote my resignation letter. You may be pleased to know you got a mention. “I am so happy I won’t have to deal with any more twats like Mr Wilcox”.

So, now I must bid you farewell, my old friend. I’ll think of you when I’m sipping champagne on a yacht in the Caribbean surrounded by tanned lovelies with loose morals and a thing for the nouveau riche. I’ll think of you and I will laugh my ass off.

Yours sincerely

Paul

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