The big Empty

When I was a young boy , I asked my Dad where do we go when we die. Boet He said we don’t go anywhere. Its’ all Black. Nothing but Black. The End …Fini… Nada….. Boet this is it!!! You are alive and must live everyday knowing that there is nothing else out there. No God, No Super-Being, No Creator, No Benevolent Being who will take you in his arms and comfort you………………………… This is it!!!!!!
I watched my Father die from afar. Years of Lion Lager and Texan plains finally putting paid to his liver function. I watched a man, proud and strong, intelligent, witty and the epitome of responsibility, retreat into himself, becoming lost in a world of make-believe, a world where none but the insane dare to tread, a place deep and dark where the lines between good and evil blur. A place where the lines between right and wrong are erased. A place where the horror of war becomes a source of endless amusement, where bloodshed and pain are no longer shocking. A place where the sight of Tom and Jerry brings tears to your eyes and Mickey mouse strikes fear in the very core of your existence. I saw my Dad disappear, another taking his place. A man who had no home, could not remember anything of the past twenty years. A man who had no wife, no son. A man who remembered what a toilet is used for yet a man who could not figure out the intricacies of the toilet lid. My Dad the Engineer, the Queen Scout , the Royal Navy Sparky, the Ballroom dancer. The other man a child, innocent in his thoughts, unpredictable in his actions. A man devoid of rational thought, yet childlike in his demeanor. Child-like and hyperactive.
Eventually my Mom had no option but to place Dad in a special home, least he burn down the house or electrocute himself while trying to make coffee with the toaster. My Dad had aged twenty years. Permanent Brain damage spouted the Doctors. Life must go on.
I watched my Father die from afar. I heard it in my Mothers’ voice on the phone. I lived the details and daily visits through my Moms agony. I felt the hopelessness in her heart. I sensed the big Empty waiting in the eaves. This was not the big Empty my Dad told me about. There was no power switch, no big shutdown, no reboot. This was a malevolent entity standing by my Fathers’ side. This monster wanted my Non Believer Father. This creature was patient. It had all the time in the world. My Dad was not a man of God and now had a brain of mush which could never be persuaded that maybe, just maybe the “faith” we place in our God is real. Maybe the belief that God is our creator and Jesus is our Savior would have helped him.
My mother prayed from nearby, I prayed from afar and somewhere God did listen. My Father slowly regained brain function, and while Dad was still out to lunch my Father had returned. He could now ambulate around the halls of the home. He could talk and argue, laugh and joke. He was somewhat irrational in his thought processes and had accumulated an impressive collection of socks. Unfortunately most of them belonged to fellow patients. He was willing to defend his loot which was stored in a chest of drawers. He never noticed that the staff would return some of the socks to their rightful owners daily, and assumed that a sock thief was on the loose. He would go on a foray after lights out looking for the culprits (anyone with a pair of socks) and of course replenish his sock supply.
Eventually I returned to Joburg to help take Dad home. He was still not perfect but hell…. He was my Dad again. I sat on the stoep with him that last night and we talked candidly about many things. He told me about his time in the home, describing it as a child would remember growing up. Some things were fuzzy and others stood out. We never spoke of the Big Empty. I could sense that he was not willing to discuss it and I felt too uncomfortable to bring it up. I saw in his eyes that he had seen the end. He saw the entity and he knew then that there must be a counter to that malevolence. Be it a God or some other being. The Big Black no longer fit into his beliefs. I could not say with any conviction that he had made peace with his Maker yet I think he did. In those terrible days between periods of lucidity, he had examined his way forward. He knew which path to take. He had decided. In years gone by I had seen the same cold steely determination in his eyes after he had made a decision. He knew the way forward but he would not tell. No he could not tell. Who would believe him?
I hugged my bony diminutive Dad and returned to my family far far away. My emotions ran the gauntlet from guilt to relief, from love to anger at the unfairness of it all, sadness with the reminder that all life is fleeting. Yet joy was supreme. My Dad was still with us. Diminished maybe, but still my Dad.
I received a call from my Mom a year later. They had moved to Natal in the interim. My Dad had fallen and was in hospital. It did not look good. I made ready to leave, to be with him, but he died in the early hours. He had moved on to that other place. He had gone quickly. No suffering. No arguments. We were not by his side, yet he was not alone. The book was closed. Still the story remains. He is in our lives every day. Our memories and actions will always be enriched by his life.
I saw my Father die from afar. Has he gone to the big Black, the big Empty? I don’t think so. I feel he is out there. In that special place we all dream of. That place where our family awaits us one day. That place where we will finally learn the true answer to all our questions. I see him sitting there, Beer mug in hand, Texan plain behind his ear. I see him flirting with all the girls. Boet I really miss you.
No the big empty does not exist. This I know in my heart. This I know in the very core of my being. Life without a future or a direction is so meaningless. If the Big Empty was indeed the way, then there would be no need for life, no reason. Continuity remains with us every day. The evidence is all around us. Would we be able to live if we knew that at the end, this life would have been meaningless? Take comfort that, no matter what your belief, the Beast is there waiting in the wings. It cannot touch you unless you choose to ignore it. It cannot take you away from the path. Take comfort that there is indeed a Beast, least you fade into the Big Empty, where nothing exists. A place where souls cease to be. Take comfort that God will send an emissary to guide you along the path when your time comes.
One day my father will watch me die from afar.
I know!! ……………………I will see him there.

Allan Southern 22-08-2008