In Dreams - June 25 2002

I had the weirdest dream last night, it was quite real and quite
weird. I was in a town near where I live, except the town was different
and I think it was later afternoon or early evening. I had been
broadcasting a show on the radio, as I had my own radio programme and I
had finished for the day and I went to the pub and in the pub somebody
told me to visit this girl who was also a radio presenter. So I went to
where she lived in these communal flats. And she was sorting out some
tapes for her show tomorrow. She had long light brown hair and was good
looking without being pretty. She was very fed up with things and I
said why dont we go out. And she said well whats the point. I said but
we have to go out to meet new people. She stood there in these jeans
and a white tshirt with a name on it. She looked very sad.
"Have you got any money, ice?" I said" Yeah i've got some money." "I
need a hit," she said. I sussed that she meant drugs. I looked at her.
"You dont need drugs to have a good time," I said," drugs will mess up
your life (although I didnt use exactly those words) lets go for a
drink." So she smiled, and we went for a drink. We had a lot to drink
and we came back to her flat, and she was drunk, I had to carry her to
her room. Some of her flatmates were in her room (i dont think there
were any locks) and I said to them to clear out, and snarled. Or
growled. They did so, and then I said "Come on baby" to the girl, and
we fell on the bed. And we started kissing, but she was like trying to
talk to me and I felt her tongue inside my mouth. And it seemd so
natural. I really fancied her as well. Because she was drunk and I was
worried about her, I said I'd stay the night. So I did. Then I woke up,
I was on the wrong side of the bed, and I felt around and realised I
was in bed with my wife, except we werent married, and she said "Now of
course if you're going to get married you cant keep doing this." And
then I heard this sound like a drill going off, and I woke up for real,
and I just lay there staring at the ceiling. I've heard the girl in my
dreams name before but I have never met her, even though in my dream I
had apparently met her once before. I tried to think of the girl in my
dream and tried to fall asleep to dream of her once more, but I didn't.
It was just one of those passing dreams you have that makes you wonder
why you dream the things you do.

Yesterday was better. I went to work and read a great short story by
John Wyndham. It's called "Chronoclasm" and has a bittersweet ending
that I didn't want to spoil by reading another. I guess its like a fine
wine, you drink a bottle but if you drink another you end up too drunk
to enjoy it.

They are clamping down on lateness. Someone got asked to leave and
another is on their final warning. I was furious. I was almost tempted
to be late to the point where they sacked me, and I could go off and be
a writer and not have to travel to London everyday. My wife works from
home, so why can't I, I thought. And it scared me, I was actually
thinking of the time that if they didn't pay another ?5,000 at payrise
time I would walk. But I wont, I have too many debts and a mortgage and
bills to pay. I dont really hate my job, its just something I have to
do to get money.

If I won the lottery and I won ?8,000,000, lets be generous, I could
donate some to the Cats Protection League, and then set up my own
business. I think I would go into media, like radio or publishing or
both. I would employ people I know and people who would be
useful.

At lunchtime I bought a coffee and a panini and they charged me 20p
less than usual, so maybe I am a regular now. I get a discount on my
lunch.

In the morning, I was on the train, and I was looking at the bright sky
and the buildings that stood in sharp relief, and it was very hot and
sunny. I wanted to be walking along the street not going to work.

Last night online I had a good chat with ...and the email works. I
wrote a poem while on the train going home about email. Then the
battery died, but before it did I had saved the file.

Big Brother: I was sorry that Kate broke her glasses, she looked very
upset (I wrote a poem about that too). I also wrote a new poem which is
about this guy who meets a girl, a beautiful witch, in his dream and
they have an adventure. There is a line in it where they kiss and he
feels her tongue inside his mouth, and I wonder if my weird dream was
in some way influenced by what I had written.

I am writing every day now, even if it is just this diary entry. I find
that by writing I can express what I feel about things and it acts as
an escape.

I think we need to write to see ourselves.

*I just checked my latest poem which has been graded as bad. Sobering
thought. *

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I had a look at this entry, and I noticed that I thought winning the
lottery would solve my problems - actually it wont, cause I wouldn't
have earned the money, it would be too easy to have everything handed
to me on a plate, I think. The dream is strange, why would anyone else
be interested in such a thing, I guess I put it up because it did have
an impact on me, but you know me, lots of things impact on me. The book
is worth buying if you can find it, by John Wyndham.

There was also something about a bottle of tomato sauce and an alarm
clock in the dream. They seemed to be very important to the girl.
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