E...Ambivalence
By hobazz
- 727 reads
I stood in front of my closet not knowing what to wear until
the
phone rang.
"We're going to Peking today," the voice on the other line
informed
me. "Everyone's gonna be there."
I went back to my closet. Peking meant Chinese food and loud
music.
That made everything easier. This required a skirt and loose
hair.
With my high heels and heavy eyeliner that brought out the
greenness of my eyes, I was ready. I stepped out of the car and
into
the outdoor restaurant swarming with beautiful teenagers and
their
pretense.
Last year, before I had lost so much weight and died my hair, I
wouldn't have been caught dead at a place like this. That was
because I wasn't accepted there, but I convinced myself it was
because I was supercilious to the purposeless people that went
there.
Back then I had more emotion. On Thursday nights I would write
something I was proud of and dream about being a reporter or
winning a Pulitzer. Now I aimlessly look pretty and go to a
party.
Now it is just too hard to turn my back on the invitation to the
popularity I tried to convince myself I didn't care about. I didn't
mind
being my own best friend and solely filling myself with self worth,
but
now that I have people who think I'm worth something it's easier
to
believe them.
But now my writing is becoming empty as there shallowness rubs
off
on me. Maybe next Thursday I'll stay home and read a good book or
study so I can get into a good college and become the writer I've
wanted my whole life to become. But then, when I go to school on
Sunday, I'll be spending my time with my book.
I don't have the strength to believe in myself like I did last year. So
I'll
be going out next Thursday. I have to impress them, because
everything I do is being monitored by people who judge me
cruelly,
and they are the closest thing I have to friends.
On Thursday night, I'll put on my makeup and become another face
with no emotion in a reflectionless world where a bad hair day is
the
only disturbance.
But on Friday morning, I'll write about my struggle to get over
this
ambivalence.
- Log in to post comments