E...Ambivalence

I stood in front of my closet not knowing what to wear until
the

phone rang.

"We're going to Peking today," the voice on the other line
informed

me. "Everyone's gonna be there."

I went back to my closet. Peking meant Chinese food and loud
music.

That made everything easier. This required a skirt and loose
hair.

With my high heels and heavy eyeliner that brought out the

greenness of my eyes, I was ready. I stepped out of the car and
into

the outdoor restaurant swarming with beautiful teenagers and
their

pretense.

Last year, before I had lost so much weight and died my hair, I

wouldn't have been caught dead at a place like this. That was

because I wasn't accepted there, but I convinced myself it was

because I was supercilious to the purposeless people that went

there.

Back then I had more emotion. On Thursday nights I would write

something I was proud of and dream about being a reporter or

winning a Pulitzer. Now I aimlessly look pretty and go to a
party.

Now it is just too hard to turn my back on the invitation to the

popularity I tried to convince myself I didn't care about. I didn't
mind

being my own best friend and solely filling myself with self worth,
but

now that I have people who think I'm worth something it's easier
to

believe them.

But now my writing is becoming empty as there shallowness rubs
off

on me. Maybe next Thursday I'll stay home and read a good book or

study so I can get into a good college and become the writer I've

wanted my whole life to become. But then, when I go to school on

Sunday, I'll be spending my time with my book.

I don't have the strength to believe in myself like I did last year. So
I'll

be going out next Thursday. I have to impress them, because

everything I do is being monitored by people who judge me
cruelly,

and they are the closest thing I have to friends.

On Thursday night, I'll put on my makeup and become another face

with no emotion in a reflectionless world where a bad hair day is
the

only disturbance.

But on Friday morning, I'll write about my struggle to get over
this

ambivalence.