Hero

As she moves in to the sitting room, dragging the vacuum cleaner
behind her, she thinks about where he might be. It sticks on the door
frame and she kicks it from behind dislodging it and chipping the
paint, "bugger."

He sits in the mess hall
watching the other men slop out their trays and the next lot coming in.
The atmosphere, is good, people are joking and laughing. Someone pats
his back as they pass. He is still thinking about yesterday, what they
would have done if he hadn't come out.

She pulls
out a chair and Hoovers behind it, there is a rubber toy there left
from when the dog was still young enough to want to play. He doesn't
bother much now; his hips aren't up to it. Picking it up she spots a
post it note and picks it up. It says, I love to watch you walk. He had
written it for her a few months after the trouble started, when she had
complained that she didn't know why he stayed when he wouldn't let her
help. He had left her notes all over the house with reasons. At first
it touched her but then she wished he could say these things rather
than only writing them.

He is lying on his bunk
now, better to pretend to be asleep if he doesn't feel like talking.
There are a few guys playing cards on the table by the window, he can
hear them chatting, but not decipher what they are saying. He used to
love life in the station house, the camaraderie, but it makes him feel
tired now, listening to all the things which no one mentions. There is
a lady who comes round who you are supposed to talk to, but he doesn't.
She might tell his governor he isn't fit to work and that would really
screw things up.

In the hall way his wife realises
she has cleaned the same piece of carpet for five minutes. It never
used to feel like this when he was on duty. There was always a surety
he would be fine; she knew what she was marrying into. But then
thinking back to the day they married she only knew half the story back
then. She sits in the kitchen with her head on the table while the
kettle boils. Waiting.

Kenny's gov calls him into
the office. "You all right mate? Some of the guys are worried about
you. You were in there a long time yesterday, longer than necessary."
Ken smiles and nods "sorry sir, just checking it was clear." The govs
face looks calm but Ken sees a flicker of concern. He must stay
focused, stop them worrying. "We were sure it was clear and you were
told to come out." "I thought I heard something sir." The gov pats his
arm, "ok Ken just be a bit more careful in future, I won't have any
accidents on my watch." Ken leaves the office breathing deeply. It has
to be soon.

Elaine pours the water into the pot
and realises she is shaking, what is the matter with her? It can't just
be the watch. She has waited for him to come home a thousand times and
not felt like this. He was sweet this morning, the perfect partner, but
she sensed a surface gloss covering something deeper. It was itching
away at her just beyond reach; something was out of place somewhere.


The bell rings and everyone runs for their clothes
Kenny's heart is pounding, He checks his equipment and climbs into the
truck. Everyday for a month now he has been feeling like this every
call out. This is the only moment when he feels alright, he feels clear
and the crowded mess divides into separate thoughts and he can
concentrate. As the truck pulls around the corner he is straining to
see where they are going, but as they pull up outside he can see there
are no flames and his heart plummets. The weight falls onto his chest
and he feels the waves of panic washing back and forth. They all get
out and check the building but it was just a false alarm. It is hard to
move around he feels so tired, and the joking amongst the others hurts,
tears little strips off him. The heaviness is seeping in again and
tears fighting to get out.

In her little home
Elaine is kneeling on the floor of the bathroom, she had sat down to
clean the bottom of the sink but is having trouble finding the
motivation to get up now. She can't stop thinking, thinking about the
last few weeks with Kenny. He has been getting quieter and the black
spells have been lasting longer every time. Last time he was off for
four days he slept late then wandered around the house looking for
something, but when she asked him what he had lost he didn't seem able
to understand. She has begun thinking she should tell his governor,
Kenny would be furious, but it might be worth it if they can get him
help. He might be laid off though and she is afraid that might kill
him.
She gets up off the floor and perches on the end of the
bath, the restlessness is easing now, he will be home soon.


Kenny packs up his things and starts his trudge home the
weight is immense now, crushing him. It is another four days until he
is back on duty now. Four days to survive until he can try again. It
has to work next time, all he needs is a really big fire, possibly a
child trapped inside, he feels bad thinking that but comforts himself
that he will save the child. But somehow not save himself, that is what
they will say at his funeral; a hero's funeral, he saved so many but
couldn't save himself. Ironic as he will have saved him self at last.
They will drink to him and look after Elaine. She will have what she
deserves, another life with out him and no shame; the widow of a hero.
It helps planning it, eases the pain somewhere inside him, nothing
stops that pain, but this takes the edge off it.


As he reaches the door she is there waiting, she hugs him
hard as if she knew today he might not come back, but she can't do. He
smiles at her and takes her hand as they go inside. "Hello love did you
have a nice day," she smiles at him but feeling the answer pushes it
back down, "yes thanks and you?"
"Oh not bad, you know just a
normal sort of day."