No Future - September 09 2002

06.46 am I am a bit pissed off at present. I have been spending some
time on another chat room and last night for reasons which I have yet
to fully understand, some idiot stole my chat room nick and started
posting all kinds of shit, making me look a twat. Must be some kind of
record as I have only been posting in that chat since last Monday. When
I went to bed I was still furious, and you know what, I was lying there
thinking what is the fucking point about anything? I mean I go to work,
and thats just to earn money so I pay off debts (or increase them) and
fool myself I am having a good time. Friends are precious to me. If I
do try to make new friends I don't want to lose them the next minute.
Life is shite enough as it is.

I am 40 in three weeks time and I have achieved fuck all with my life.
I am not even sure I can see the point anymore, it's all bullshit
anyway. I am listening to music and playing guitar and writing when I
can, and yet, I still havent achieved anything worthwhile. I am not
even sure I want to stay in my job, but I have to because that's why
people work, to get money to pay for the things that make them happy.
Maybe I should throw the whole thing in, I am not needed, whatever I do
can be done by somebody else anyway, I am not essential.

Maybe I have become like George Bailey, a person superfluous to the
scheme of things, give me a reason to be valued again. I just cant take
the pain I feel at times. I get depressed and the world seems so
fucking dark. I cannot go on in the knowledge that I will never be
hugged or kissed again. I tell myself I do matter to others. I like to
think so anyway.

Yesterday (08) I woke up at 8.00 am and fed the cats as usual. They
dived straight into the food and appeared to like what I had put out
for them.

Then I went online and posted my journal and sorted out some emails.
Then I played guitar for a bit before I had a bath, then I went over to
my Mum and Dads and fed their cat.

My wife and I drove into Leigh, and we had a coffee in Vie, then went
in Woolworths where I bought two cartoon videos, a copy of Ronin and a
copy of The Good, the Bad and The Ugly. Then we had lunch in Irma's
where I smashed a wineglass and everyone stared. I left a big tip to
cover the cost of the glass then we drove home. I went online and did
emails and then went in the NME chat, which is this new chatroom I have
found.

Everything was fine if a little slow till someone stole my nick and
that pissed me off, I havent felt fury like that since I was slashed to
bits on another bulletin board in February this year. And there wasnt
anything I could do except see this other person take my nick and say
all the bollocks they were saying. Very nice thing to do just before I
have to log off. I got my nick back at the end but I wonder how many
other people in that room believe that it wasnt me.

I also chatted to D for a while, and I messaged Erin twice. And got a
reply. Sometimes I think I am great and I am not, I am shite. I may
appear to be laughing but underneath I am sad. Desperately looking for
something real to believe in, to believe in myself. I am falling, there
is nobody there to catch me.

No future.