Seeking Silence

Seeking Silence

"Damn!" I cursed, "Why does he always get it before me?" I asked my
friends. They shrugged, and I was left fuming. I sat alone in the
air-conditioned library, letting its neutral tones wash over me, and I
calmed, but not before making that eternal promise. Tomorrow.

It was an ongoing competition; he was the main competitor, though he
never knew. I would try to match his smarts, to beat him. When I did, I
would dance. When he cried, I laughed. Cruel, I know, but I know better
now.

That was a year ago, and I still shake my head when I think of it. It
was so wrong- and I hate myself. This story is about the moment I knew
I was wrong- and discovered a new me and an easier way to live.

*

Ok. You're probably completely confused by that opening paragraph. I
can't tell you my name, too personal- but I can tell you about
me.

I have blonde hair, blue eyes and I'm intelligent, smart, clever,
intellectual, whatever. So, there was this boy, again no names, and I
was constantly trying to beat his excellence. He wasn't particularly
smarter than me, but he always got more attention than me. And I would
try to beat his score, no matter how high. I hated him. But now I
don't. This is a story about why.

*

I hated him in Year 8. That was last year. When I came back after the
summer holidays to be greeted by Year 9, everything changed.

You know when you're on a roller coaster, climbing ever so slowly up a
steep hill, dreading the top, though you can't see it? Well, I came
back to school with that feeling of impending doom. True, I am known as
a drama queen, but this was real.

At first, it didn't hit me that something was wrong. My two best
friends, PERSON A and B, and friend-whom-I
avoided-as-if-my-life-depended-on-it, C, and me would go around in a
gang, happy. That's when it all fell apart.

I didn't like C- she was bitchy and moany. A and B were my favourite
friends, and I argued lots with C about who A's best friend was, C or
me.

Turns out I picked the wrong team, and started ignoring C. When A and
me went up town, I'd leave her out, and later say we didn't go. I can't
believe how cruel I was.

But after arguments with B over A, both B and A started ignoring me and
C, and me and Nicky started to realise how stupid we'd been.

I'd always thought C had been talking about me behind my back, but it
turned out that A and B were just waiting for an excuse to drop
me.

Now C and me are best friends, and A and B steer clear.

Ok. So I went completely off the tangent there, right? Wrong.

That's an important part of this story, and this is why.

*

A and B aren't that smart, and think of me as a know-it-all. (No
offence guys!) And they made me believe it was funny to laugh at
know-it-alls. How stupid?.

That's how the flame of hatred I had for the smart boy started. But
when Nicky and me talked about it one day, I realised.

Me: I used to think I hated that person, but I feel sorry for
him.
C: Yeah, I mean he gets picked on loads.

Later that night I down and thought about him, then about me. When I'd
seen him crying after being called names, I'd felt sorry for him, and a
sense of familiarity, but I'd pushed it away. I've been picked on- and
it felt horrible.

I realised he wasn't a superior being- nor was I allowed to mock him,
or hate him. I had no reason to. We were both in the same boat.

The significance of this moment has changed my life. I don't hate him
anymore, and feel hatred towards people who pick on smarter
people.

There's a lot of inequality and unfairness in the classroom, teachers,
who tend to help the people who don't care about school, and don't know
what the question was because they were talking, ignore smart
people.

And what's worst is that those people get into top sets because
teachers think deep down they have a yearning to learn? maybe it's some
other reason, but I doubt it.

Ok. I've ranted and raved, and bored the socks off you. I'm sorry. You
can all laugh now. I'm past caring. That was the moment that changed my
life.