My Dinosaur Era Chapter 4 *Rewrite*

 

ginny had known for a few weeks about jane

not when she brought us together

then, she saw how lonely we both were

decided to create a union

she knew that it was the correct thing to do

the moment she saw my face at her door

you looked so sad and so did she, she said

 

I knew you could only be happier together

 

jane had told her that her main regret was never getting married

ginny told her

 

marry timmy

 

why would he want to marry me now?

 

because he loves you and he wants you to be happy

 

ok but how can I tell him? it’s all so difficult

 

I will tell him

 

and that is how it happened

 

when I went back to jane’s flat

she was there, by the door

hovering, ready for me as I entered

 

oh timmy

 

she threw her arms around me

I could smell wine on her breath

 

I thought you didn’t like it

 

I don’t but I found some in the cupboard and I wanted to try

 

why didn’t you tell me that you were going to die?

 

how do you tell someone that? someone you love this deeply

 

yes, I suppose that is difficult, I love you too

 

we finished the wine 

started to watch peep show

she had never seen it

me on my sixth rewatch

 

isn’t that the oscar woman?

 

olivia colman

 

oh yes, oh my, is she in this?

 

she is, she is in it a lot

 

the sadness that should have prevailed could not breathe in the room with us

we choked it with our simple kindnesses to each other

every biscuit proffered

each wiggle of our fingers

all the minutes of us

pushed grief into the corners

 

in the morning I made coffee

the skyscraper machine

whirred, steamed, spat it out

I took it to her in bed

it was raining and the corner of sea that I could see was grey

a seagull swooped past the window

it eyed me for a beat

swooped back away

back into the dullness

 

as I put the coffee down on the bedside table

there it was

the sadness that we had shooed away last night

I looked at her ear and imagined it as ashes

scattered from the pier

I slid back into the bed

kissed her on the cheek

I sprawled myself over her

covering her

protecting her

listening for the sickness inside

 

tears came

one bounced into her closed eye

momentarily balancing on her lashes

 

timmy, you musn’t cry

 

eyes still closed

that tear still teetering

I tried to pull it back in

 

I retract that cry

give it back to me

 

she put her hand on my chest

drawing circles in the hair

eyes opened slowly

 

we don’t have the time for tears my love

 

I know

 

I think dying people are meant to do all the things they wanted to do before they die

like a bucket list

 

like make a wish kids? do you want to go to disneyland?

 

she laughed

 

yes, yes, just like that but no, not disneyland

 

you wished you could get married 

 

I know

 

what else do you want to do?

 

eat biscuits with you, watch peep show with you

 

that’s what we do anyway

 

also, I want to have a kfc bucket because I have never had one and they look lovely

 

they’re not

 

oh

 

I mean, they are but they are also not

 

she looked disappointed

like I’d told her about father christmas

 

but we should have one, the really big one that is meant for twelve people

 

ok, let’s do that

 

we shall

 

but I mainly want to get married to you

 

ginny was on the case

she had already been to see someone

about getting an emergency marriage license

 

do you think we should kiss?

 

now?

 

yes

 

yes, we should

 

we kissed that morning for the first time

 

we had a ridiculously proportioned KFC bucket, each

 

we were married a week later

 

made it to season seven of peep show

before she became too ill to take it all in

 

she died five weeks later

her last biscuit was a bourbon

her favourite

though she did adore garibaldis as a treat

 

I didn’t cry at her funeral

at least till I got back home

ginny sat with me for a couple of days

making us both vodka milkshakes

we finished off peep show

I never had KFC again

 

I stayed in the flat for another month

she’d inherited it and now it was being passed further along the chain

being sold, her estate split between some family and a few charities

 

she left me something too

 

I walked down the stairs to the outer hallway

looking up at the banisters above me

I  realised that I was leaving our love here

an artefact for future generations to discover