AFTER MADNESS - CH 1 : 2 - I Don't Like Crowds.

Being insane was a lot easier in that I never had time to wonder what to do. I was far too impulsive and so much was happening when I was mad that I barely had time to think. At least, I thought it was happening...

I want to go back to where I belong with people I understand. I want to live in a tiny house not a flat; I want to have a dog and grow vegetables...

******

After the woman was killed I spent my life terrified of 'upstairs' and of the dark and what was hiding in the dark. I felt those big hands on my back - waist to shoulder - for my whole existence, every time I stood at the top of the stairs. I KNEW someone was going to push me down, especially if the toilet was flushing...

I thought I'd seen the Devil and that babies could fly. I remembered flying, I REMEMBERED IT!! Of course when I started to go through it with my psychologist, Eugene, he hit the salient nail on the head - photographs; of course.

I told Eugene, "I was sat on the knee of a blowsy woman with dyed blonde hair and an off the shoulder 'Gypsy' blouse." We were sitting at a piano and I was enjoying plonking on the keys. I was about one year to eighteen months old and wore a white dress made up of frills. There were several men by the piano and suddenly the atmosphere changed. The light also changed. Then I just see 'snapshots', 'flashes'.

"Perhaps it WAS flashes," said Eugene, "Photographic flashes."
I knew he was right. I saw the three men at the piano frozen in time with their steins held aloft. One of them wore a hat with a feather in it, very Alpine looking. I still remember his face. I remember the feeling of menace that pervaded the room.

***

My very first memory in life was from when I was a babe in arms; I was wrapped in a blanket and held close in the arms of someone who loved me very much. My next memory was of a lovely garden with brick paths along which I was toddling with great delight. I knew I had not been walking long and was joyful at my ability. I sensed a woman who loved me very much and was proud of my achievement hovering behind me in case I fell. I tottered around the house corner and saw, along the path, a handsome man in shirt and trousers. He was sitting on the patio-door steps with one of his legs out stiffly in front of him. He was extremely pleased with my progress and proud of my achievements. I toddled towards him, laughing.

My next memory was of the man lying on a sofa in a large conservatory near to some double doors to the house. I was sitting on the sofa with the man and we were playing a game. He was telling me there was a rat in the coal shed and it had red eyes and was very scary and it was COMIING!!! He then pretended to save us from it with his walking stick, banging it along the back of the sofa and along the arm. It was very exciting and lots of fun.

One other small memory I have is of sitting on a thick rug by a christmas tree, opening presents. There were two older, grey-haired people there and the beautifully decorated tree. I felt happy and loved...