MAD MUM &; DAD

"MAD MUM AND DAD"

I thought that you'd might like, to read all about,
My Mum and Dad, they are quite mad I don't doubt,
My friends' mums don't act anything like my own mother,
I'm beginning to wonder - is there is another?
I don't think there is one, but it doesn't matter,
I like my Mum being as mad as a hatter,

My Dad is the same as well, he does daft things,
My friends Dads' will take them to play on the swings,
But my Dad? Oh no, he thinks it more fun,
To knock on somebody's front door and then run,
And quite a few times Mr Gibbons the grump,
Has threatened to give me a "good kick up the rump"

My Mum says Dads' always behaved in this way,
She told me the story of their wedding day,
Whilst Mum had her hair done and made herself stunning,
My Dad's little prank was at last up and running,
He'd gathered the children up into the pews,
And armed them with their ammunition to use,

Then, as Mum walked the down the aisle to get wed,
Ten thousand tomatoes were thrown at her head!
But still they got married, my Mum wasn't mad,
She just vowed to later get even with Dad.
And they have lived life like this from that day on,
Are happy to plot doing cruel things for fun,

My Dad very often tells poor Mum a lie
He says "By Gum Love -You make cracking good pie!"
Then throws it to our dog when Mum isn't looking,
And still as he does he says "That is good cooking"
Mum does it too though, she fibs to my Dad,
And tells him she hasn't done things that she had,
"I've told you dear, I do not use your Mach 4"
She said once, as Dad's face leaked blood on the floor,

I've seen how competitive Mum and Dad are,
And its no exception when they're in the car,
They each say the other is not fit to drive,
And I wonder how long I'm going to survive,

Mum says "SLOW DOWN - YOU'RE DRIVING TOO FAST!"
But Dad says "Did you actually see what just passed?"
"It was in fact a very occupied hearse",
And overtook me whilst it was in reverse"

Mum, I admit, does drive terribly slow,
She drives me to school if there's one flake of snow,
And even though school is just three doors away,
she drives with such care that it takes her all day.

Don't think Mum is shy though - because she is not,
She once hid herself in my Dads big plant pot,
It sits behind Dad's desk, its there for display,
But it would do something quite different today,
Mum hid inside the plant, watching the door,
And just as it opened she let out a "RRRROOARR!!"!
She shook the leaves furiously and roared on like mad!
Until that is, she saw - it wasn't Dad,

It was, my Dad's boss, he calls everyone "Sonny"
And he did not think it the slightest bit funny,
He asked that security "remove this mad trout!",
Who picked up my poor Mum and then threw her out.
My Dad had cried laughing, when he was told more,
That mum had been in there for hours before,
She'd crouched like a jungle cat inside that tub,
Preparing her roar like a brave lion cub

One time, for the school fete, Mum said she would make,
A large and deliciously yummy big cake,
Of course when my Dad heard what Mum would be doing,
He set about ensuring Mum's total ruin,

When Mum proudly took the cake into my school,
The Parents and Teachers had started to drool,
They all said, " Oooh now then, this does look good!"
Then took a huge bite of the disgusting mud,
Which of course Dad had ever so carefully made,
A replica cake with his old garden spade.

My parents do these things as if they are sane,
Mum once locked Dad out all night in the rain,
So he put on all of my Mum's underwear,
And picked her up after her work's Christmas Fair,
Mum of course got him the following morning,
She tipped manure in his mouth whilst he was yawning,

I wonder if they will be doing this still,
When they are a hundred and over the hill?
They will, of this I could not be more certain,
I can just see my Mum covered up with a curtain,
Pretending that she has come back as a ghost,
After paying the nurses to tell Dad she's toast.

I have to admit though, they are really fun,
The pranks they pull, get funnier each time they're done,
I wonder if one day when I am much older,
I'll think it is funny to watch my wife smoulder?
After setting her nice cosy bed socks alight,
Like Dad did to Mum's bed socks sometime last night!

Copyright 2004 Charlotte Webster
All Rights Reserved